Animal House

1. At Depauw University in Indiana, 23 girls who are overweight and/or not so pretty by sorority standards were summarily tossed out of the Delta Zeta sorority. Know as "The Doghouse", the sorority hopes to change it's image. They are renaming it the "Ku Klux Kuties" as the final stage of the image change.

Greek Board president, Peter Gozinya of Eata Pisa Pi fraternity, said , "It's about time. Looks are everything to us here in Indiana". Gozinya, also chairman of the campus "Romney for President " club, continued, " They once all came to one of our parties and it lowered the 'looks' index by 10 points. We can't have that!". The 23 expelled members are now said to be forming thier own sorority ... and plan to have their float, tentatively called "The Deathmobile", in this year's Greek parade through town.

Tammy Pon (left), Delta Zeta president said, "It's not like we have like hard feelings. Like good luck with their float. I hope they like win first prize, actually I like hope they win 2nd prize because good looking girls should win first prize".

2. At The Denver Zoo a few days ago, a jaguar killed it's 27 year old keeper when she entered it's cage alone. The jaguar was the nicer of two owned by the zoo in La Paz , Bolivia which had sent the cat to Denver. It's name was "Jorge" or "George" and it was named for George W. Bush. It's much meaner brother was so mean that La Paz keepers named it "Osama".

Zookeepers described "Jorge" as "nice but really ,really stupid". His last words, just before they killed him, were "We must stay the course in Iraq because we're winning". The zookeepers said as they removed the carcass, "See what we mean!".
In Jorge's cage, zookeepers found electronic equipment which they believe he was using to monitor the howls and barks of other Denver zoo animals, brush clearing equipment, and a half read copy of a book entitled, "My Pet Goat" which, in this case, was a cookbook.
In La Paz, over 5,000 zookeepers searched the fiberglass fake cave in Osama's cage, but cannot find him anywhere. "We have no idea where he is.", said head zookeeper Jose Ken Usee. Meanwhile a disgruntled , fired keeper, Al Jezeera, said he has a tape of the missing animal.

A case of MITT-staken identity

Mitt "aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I ?" Romney, is running radio ads, many on Boston radio (which seeps into New Hampshire) saying how he turned the state of Massachusetts around. He's so freaking stupid, we hear them here in Tax-achusetts and ,FYI, he left the state with a billion dollar deficit.

It reminds me of comedian Pat Paulsen's phony campaign in 1968 where no matter what city he was in, he started his speech by saying "this is the most beautiful city I've ever been to" as though nobody heard it before.

The Boston Globe obtained a document , published on today's front page, which lists the Romney campaign's perception of how to procede with the phony bastard's campaign. It should be on Comedy Central.

His campaign and yours truly are finally on the same page concerning him because it says that the negatives he must overcome are 1) he's a phony, 2) he's a political opportunist, 3) he's not a war leader and 4) he's a rapacious Republican businessman. I believe he's decided on the continued use of number 1) in order to overcome 2), 3) and 4).


According to the document, the best "bogeymen" for him to run against (please sit before reading in case you fall over laughing) are:

1) France ...enjoy your Liberty fries, Mitt. If that don't work, don't eat any Danish or English muffins either.

Mitt, are those the French Alps or good old American Alps behind you? Inquiring minds want to know!

2)Taxes ....remember the billion dollar deficit, please
3)Massachusetts .......where he's lived for forty years and was it's Governor until 6 weeks ago. 4)Hollywood values.....from the folks who gave us "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" and "Finding Nemo"
5) Moral relativism ...... my morals say don't be a phony, Mitt. You're right, we have different standards.
6)Hilary Clinton ...... Jesus, Mitt, what if she doesn't get the nomination? Barack Obama and John Edwards thank you!
7)Jihadism..... You're really out on a limb and here I thought you had no balls. Most of the other candidates are for it.


But he's an Honorable man and I've decided to be a good guy and write him his first speech. " Elect me because I'm a man of high morals unlike Hilary Clinton who is a man without morals. She's actually been to France and has eaten what I consider to be their pro-Jihadism toast at breakfast many times, even when in the USA. Unlike our current president who is from Taxes, I'm from , yuccch, Massachusetts which I hope to leave as soon as I become your president and get their liberal stink off of me. Thank you and God bless the United States of America except for Hollywood which has no moral relativism, but I am good looking enough to be a movie star there if only they'd call .... because really I am good looking, aren't I".

Bush challenges Gore's Oscar victory

While it may look like former Veep and actual winner of the 2000 presidential election Al Gore won an Oscar last night for his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth", it'll be up to the US Supreme Court to make the final decision.

The suspense is due to The Republican National Committee challenging the Price Waterhouse balloting and saying that there were hanging chads on the ballots .... and that George W. Bush's documentary, "A Convenient Truth. I really am a freaking idiot" was the actual winner.

Bush's film got little play. It is the animated story of a man and his pet goat who, with little money in his pocket, manages to have a credit card bill of 47 trillion dollars in just six years. The alternate title was "Supersize me", but that was already taken. Those who saw it at a White House screening said, "if you don't like this movie you must hate America."

Current Vice President and Lord of the Underworld, Dick Cheney said, "It was even better than the 2nd to last movie I saw ,in 1962 before I decided to take over the world, about the Catholic church in Italy, The Nuns of Gavarone.

But it wasn't as good as 'Triumph of the Will' which I saw right after and
that's my all time favorite. That one plays almost like a documentary".







Price Waterhouse has apoligized for the problem stating in a press release, "That's the last freaking time we use the Miami office to count anything".

Two Blind Mice in Australia

According to Reuters, noted rifleman , Lord of the Underworld,and US Vice President Dick Cheney said while visiting Sydney (no, not his gay lover, but the city in Australia) that "the United States and its allies (of which I believe the only one left is Togo) must not allow Iran to become a nuclear power and raised concerns about Tehran's actions and "inflammatory rhetoric".

He then went on to call Ahmadinejihad's mother a 'ho and also said that "she wears combat boots". Cheney then asked Ahmadinejihad to literally hold his tongue with his fingers while saying "My father works in a ship yard".

Considering that Bush and Cheney's foreign policy towards Iran was built on the philosophy of Moe from The Three Stooges ........ and that all President Bush does is goad the Iranians with his mouth,..... Cheney has some nerve.

Wait, come to think of it.....the arrogant bastard with the permanent sneer does have some nerve. For example, he had enough nerve to get five deferments during Vietnam because he had "other priorities", the top one being "I must stay the fuck out of Vietnam". Cheney's mom really should have slapped him more when he was a kid.

But note he gave this speech in Australia and the sound of one hand clapping after Cheney's speech was that of Oz Prime Minister John Howard, a guy who makes George W. Bush seem like a thinker on the level of Descartes.

Howard opened his trap a week ago and said about Barack Obama's presidential candidacy "I think that will just encourage those who want to completely destabilise and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and a victory for the terrorists to hang on and hope for an Obama victory…If I were running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory not only for Obama but also for the Democrats.”

To which Obama answered " I would also note that we have close to 140,000 troops in Iraq, and my understanding is Mr Howard has deployed 1400, so if he is … to fight the good fight in Iraq, I would suggest that he calls up another 20,000 Australians and sends them to Iraq. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”




PM Howard holds up exact number of extra troops he plans to send to Iraq to help his buddy, President Bush


Noting the similarity between the styles of 'John Howard' and 'Moe of the Stooges', MassPube Genealogical Research has discovered that Moe's last name was "Howard" too and that there's a common gene between them.......which goes a long way to explaining why the PM talks so tough.


If Obama is elected , I bet PM Howard is the first one to make a fist with his right hand, hit it with his left, swing it over his head and bop Al Qaeda in Iraq on the noggin with it.....then he'll poke them in both eyes with two fingers. That'll show 'em.

But, I have respect for Howard and Cheney. They are honorable men. So are they all...all honorable men.

Follow the Money

The Associated Press reported two days ago that "a New York man accused of trying to help terrorists in Afghanistan has donated some $15,000 to the House Republicans' campaign committee over three years.......Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari pleaded not guilty Friday in U.S. District Court in Manhattan to charges that include terrorism financing, material support of terrorism and money laundering.


ID photo of Mr. Ibn Ali Alishtari gives him patron's access to Congress as a thank you from Republican Congressional Committee.

The article continued, "From April 2002 until August 2004, the man also known as "Michael Mixon" gave donations ranging from $500 to $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Committee...."

Wow, talk about covering your ass no matter who wins the war on terror. This guy's the king.

I can understand why they took the money without double checking.

A name like "Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari" shouldn't bring up any questions at all. They probably let him through airport security while TSA did a full body search on the two blind, elderly nuns.

One must note that he was also known as "Michael Mixon", which rhymes with "Nixon" and Tricky Dick was a Republican president. "I swear to God. I thought he said 'Nixon', said Hugh G. Reckshun, of the Republican Congressional Committee.

President Nixon shown in one of his glory moments as President

Mr. Reckshun than asked for a full investigation into whether the Democrats were given any funding under the name "Michael Moosevelt".

In other news, Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton let loose on one another as a major former supporter of the Clintons, Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari, damn , I mean David Geffen (of Hollywood fame) switched his allegiance to Senator Obama and called the Clintons "practiced liars".

Senator Clinton demanded that Obama condemn Geffen. Obama's first retort was ,"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you". She then said, "yeah...well, your mother's a whore".

They then started grappling physically until a teacher broke it up and gave both a detention.

In detention hall, she continued her demands and Obama said," Yeah, right, sure. After carefully considering your request, I'll take the money".

Words continued to fly on both sides and to settle it,they've decided to go to Weehawken, NJ and duel it out with pistols in the spirit of Burr and Hamilton.

And the election isn't until 2008 ! Plenty of time to reload.

Together We Can....redecorate my office

Massachusetts is known for having idiots for Governors. After all, we gave the world Mike Dukakis. We are currently giving you Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I" Romney. So look out world, Deval Patrick, our current Governor, could be on his way. You're welcome. .....
and here's your first warning!

Democrat Deval's slogan when he was running was "Together we can". He was easily elected because nobody bothered to ask "Together we can.......what?"

Now we know. The answer is "redecorate his office".

He recently spent $27,000.00 of taxpayer money to redecorate his office in a basically bankrupt state that's a billion dollars short this year, $10,000.00 of which was for new damask drapes.

My God,Deval..... I can only imagine the horror of looking at your view of Boston Common through the old drapes. But to be fair, these were special damask drapes....made from damask of Zorro. Maybe that explains the cost!

He then had me buy him a new $47,000.00 top of the line Cadillac as his new state vehicle saying , so help me, that the heater in his Crown Victoria wasn't working.

He also arranged that we all get together and hire a scheduling assistant for his wife at $72,000.00 a year. Turns out she's a family friend , to boot. Mrs. Patrick, have you ever heard of Outlook? How about this....do it yourself, like I do.

above...Concerned citizen submits scheduling idea for Mrs. Patrick that would save the state $71,990.00 this year alone.

After his record setting speed spending spree.....he did all this in his first six weeks in office.....the local press came down on him like a boot on a cockroach and he has agreed to pay for the redecorating and $538.00 a month for the Caddy out of his own pockets...which are quite deep, by the way. He's currently building a 24 room house in The Berkshires, our mountains in the west of the state.

He decided to do this after spending a weekend (for which I'm sure he charged us overtime) with his agency directors and asked them to cut spending to get rid of the billion dollar deficit.

He said, after conferring with his Secretary of Conscience, a Mr. Cricket, "I realize that in good conscience I cannot ask the agencies to make these choices without being willing to make them myself".

Deval, cut the shit. Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you compare cuts in state spending that affect the citzenry with your freaking office decor. The only reason you decided to pay for it yourself is because you find yourself in the middle of a negative media storm.

I have no respect for these political bullshit artists at all. I love the fact we have to stand when they enter the room and call them "The Honorable". Last I heard they work for us. They should stand when we walk in the room.....and stop spending my money on this crapola. I shouldn't have to tell you that....just ask any cricket!

The King and his Court

Surprising as this may be, the babe to the left is NOT carrying Tom Brady's baby. She is Maria Consuela Araujo who just resigned as the foreign minister of the nation of Colombia.

She was forced out by President Alvaro Uribe since her brother, father and cousin are currently under investigation for being too tied to paramilitaries and also to some kidnapping. Sensing there might be a problem keeping her on, Mr. Uribe decided the time might be right to let her go.

In her resignation speech, she said she was planning to start dating Tom Brady this weekend.

Just in case you think she's a fluke, on the left is yet another former foreign minister of Colombia , Maria Emma Mej.
Ahem



How about some better looking cabinet members, President Bush. That'd make me like you better, but I'd miss your stupidity. I really would.

Yesterday, on Presidents Day, Bush made his first visit to Mount Vernon, George Washington's home , approximately a ten minute drive from The White House. His joke was ,"I feel right at home here. After all this is the home of the first George W. ( wait for laughter) I thank President Washington for welcoming us today."

Isn't that a riot! He's following John Kerry at open mike night at the DC Comedy Club.

First of all, he probably doesn't know that President Washington has passed away, so his thank you is meaningless. And Washington certainly wouldn't be so welcoming if he were alive.

People in those post -revolutionary days wanted Washington to be King. He turned that down. This one would jump at it since despots rarely obey a consitution...


Washington wouldn't be so welcoming on another matter either. George Washington advised the country to "avoid foreign entanglements" in his famous farewell address.

Should the current President ever come to Blue State Massachusetts, John Quincy Adams wouldn't be so welcoming either. John Quincy Adams wrote that the US "goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy."

Just do us a favor, George. Get a babe into your cabinet and shut up about everything else!

Men in the News

Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I " Romney, Republican candidate for President and former Governor of Massachusetts is now a full fledged member of the NRA. But 'hypo-MITT' , as in 'hypocrite', just joined in August after being chock full of ideas about gun control legislation when he ran for Governor in liberal Massachusetts. His spokesman said it doesn't matter when you join as long as long as you join. Yes , it does. He's full of crap as he panders to the right. Mitt's full of shit.....as usual.

Mitt Romney shows us the length of his new BB gun during a recent press conference

Former Hitler Youth Pope Bendadick was railing, just like its his business to morally lead the universe, last week about the new civil rights legislation in Italy that would recognize relations for homosexual couples. Note that Mr. Morality hasn't spoken out about the sex abuse scandals here in the US. Isn't that an odd view of morality? All you need to know about the priesthood is Jack Nicholson's scene in The Departed when he confronts two priests in a restaurant, later calling them "annointed pederasts". Bendadick said "Divorce and free unions are on the rise,meanwhile adultery is viewed with unjustifiiable tolerance.". Clean up your own back yard first, you purple shoed putz, before you come railing after us.

For third year running, Bendadick takes first prize on Vatican City "Funny Hat Day

Is there a man among us who doesn't believe that Tom Brady should be listed here?

Tom Brady, according to news reports, is the dad of the now pregnant actress Bridgit Moynihan's baby. She was his girlfriend for years and she's three months preggars. Sadly they broke up a few months ago, like about a week after he literally withdrew from her, I would guess. He took the breakup bad, waiting almost a day to start dating the Brazilian supermodel, Gisele Bundchen.
Let me state, if I had those two beauties on my mind, I would have lost to the Colts too. What Colts? Bridgit wants kids and she couldn't have found a better gene pool , so I wish her well. But considering he had sex with those two in the last three months, he definitely deserves being a Man in the News.

YOU MAKE THE CALL

It's been a PUNderful life

Many of you have asked my background.....here's a little of my resume:

I owned a profitable book printing business in Bangkok but had to close down when I lost the Thai that binds.

I was the love slave of an all female rock group, but couldn't get past first bass.

For years I was long-time pastry tester at a bakery, then was promoted to management and, believe, me it was worth the extra weight.

I opened a soft ice cream stand , but after a while, I got dis-custard with it.

I managed a landfill, but left because I was always feeling down in the dumps.

I ran a fertilizer business, but after a while got tired of everybody poo-poo'ing it.

MORE NEXT WEEK BECAUSE . AS I SAID, ITS A PUN-DERFUL LIFE

NB-Gay

NBA All-Star Tim Hardaway must have been worried that he'd be the chosen one to literally take the 'hard-away' from former fellow player, and now out-of-the-closet Gay man, John Amaechi.

Mr. Amaechi wrote a book about being a gay man in the NBA entitled "Man in the Middle" which ain't a bad name for a gay porno flick, come to think of it.

On a Miami radio station, Hardaway, an African American, said," You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I'm homophobic."

He continued , just in case we didn't get his point, " I don't like it. It shouldn't be in this world or in the United States".

Let me clarify...he doesn't like gay people! But, at least, he thought out his comments. When I asked him what world it should be on, his answer was ,"Uranus!"

So much for his pre-game prayer with the Reverend Ted Haggard, his scheduled speech next week at the Rock Hudson Film Retrospective and his gig as a spokesperson for Vaseline.

Yesterday Mr. Hardaway was banished from this week's NBA All Star game in Las Vegas. In the spirit of Vegas, the sports book was giving odds that NBA Commissioner David Stern would toss him and if you put some money down, you did all right! The new book is 'what time do you think his flight leaves". That's 7-1 for Saturday morning.

Mr. Stern handled it well. He had all the All Stars line up and said, "OK, all you All Stars playing this weekend, take one step forward. Not so fast there, Hardaway."

Mr. Hardaway did apologise by saying, "As an African American,I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause and I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feeling and reactions."

Maybe it's me, but why do I have the feeling he didn't write that! Amazing how he learned that right after he said the hate speech.

In the meantime, I suggest he check his mail. I'm sure there'll be a "Welcome to the Club" letter from Mel Gibson!

Night of the Long Noses

The US and Britain are now ranked last according to a UN survey of child welfare in 21 wealthy countries. Hearing that, the Bush administration passed an Executive Order re-naming "No Child Left behind" to "Every Child Left Behind" and declared it a success similar to the one in Iraq.

Another "Mission Accomplished".

An assistant secretary of HHS said, " ...the comparison to these other countries becomes meaningless " because the survey is flawed. He continued that the study used different standards of measurement than we do since "we eliminated all the bad stuff in ours".

Yesterday it was reported that the "new information " on Iran supplying arms to Iraq "insurgents" is two years old. More Bush-shit spouting from the long-nosers in the administration since they're presenting it as brand new. Check the transmission before you buy a used tank from these guys.

The helicopter crash in Iraq that killed a Marine captain from my town last week was called an engine malfunction until tape emerged from Al Jezeera showing it was shot down; tape they saw before they declared it an engine malfunction . A Bush official, Polly Graff, Assistant Secretary of Horseshit stated "Well, they use a different standard in their tapes than we do in ours. We see it as an engine malfunction since the engine did stop just after it got hit by the rocket.

And in major news the Presidential retreat formerly called Camp David is changing it's name to "Pleasure Island" Remember your Pinocchio...." The segment from Pleasure Island is, like much of Pinocchio, a tale of morality. The boys who are taken to the island go voluntarily with the promise of fun and unlimited freedom. While on the island, the children are encouraged to commit acts of vandalism, fight, drink alcohol, smoke cigars, and gamble - all things that good little boys are not supposed to do.
The transformation into a donkey is not instantaneous. When boys arrive on the island, they remain human for some time before showing any signs of change. The first indication is braying replacing the boy's normal laughter, followed by the growth of donkey ears and a tail. The head, and extremities come next, after which the boy is then forced into a quadrupedal stance. The final notable change is losing the ability to speak. Before the donkeys leave Pleasure Island, they are checked to make sure they have lost their ability to vocalize, which signifies they are fully transformed.

If Tony Snow starts braying...start praying! HEE HAW

Massachusetts Escapees Have Much in Common

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt "Aren't I good looking. No, really , aren't I" Romney announced for president yesterday ..... in Michigan. Huh?

Well, he grew up there because his dad, George, was both Governor of the state and President of American Motors , the company which gave us the long dead Nash Rambler , the Rambler.....and the Gremlin.

The headline of today's Globe said "Invoking American dream, Romney begins run". Now there's an unusual and controversial platform.

A sidebar story said, "On big day, Mass. gets little note" . In fact I think the only mention was when he said, "Yeah, if I have to, I'll kiss the Catholic's ass and go to mass".

He actually said, "American families are made stronger when children have a mother and a father, healthcare is within everyone's reach, schools are good and taxes are low. This was the agenda I pursued in Massachusetts and it's the agenda I plan to pursue if I'm elected your president".

He forgot to say that none of that happened here in, ahem,"Tax-achusetts", while he was governor. He stunk as governor. By the way, he's lived in blue state Massachusetts most of the last 40 years, but why admit it?

But he is good looking.....no ,really, he is.


Another famed resident of Massachusetts was in the news yesterday. "Little Joe", the Franklin Park Zoo's resident gorilla was put back on display yesterday in a new cage ... after he escaped from the last one (obviously built by the same folks who built The Big Dig) in 2003, injuring a little girl, an 18 year old young lady and rampaging through a neighborhood before he was tranquilized and captured.

I now must quote today's Globe:" Joe ...strode into the cage, eyed the people..and then ran 30 feet to slam his 400 pound frame against the glass....Zoo officials said Joe's antics were normal and a clear sign that the animal is glad to be back onstage"......could I make this up?...."He's so happy", said one the gorilla's keepers,"It's a sign of happiness".

Mitt and Little Joe.....They were both so happy here that they'll both do anything to get the hell out of here..and,FYI, be careful because they're both great at slinging shit! .

Caught napping

On December 12th, in Cactus, Texas, which is right next to Armadillo Turds and Go Cowboys, Texas, about 600 miles north of the border, hundreds of immigration officers came into town, in full riot gear, raided the Swift and Co. meat packing plant and six other firms where they arrested 1282 people who they claim were illegal immigrants. If you're interested in moving to Cactus ,Texas, now's the time ....real estate is really , really cheap.

They pretty much emptied the town. At Swift, the work is described as "hard, stinky,dirty and dangerous". My bet is that few Jewish families are encouraging their first born to look into this as a profession. In the meantime, before ground is broken for the synagogue, the town is pretty much dead in the water since 75% of the residents were illegal immigrants, being paid about $11.50 an hour to work in the slaughterhouse.

Yep, that worked! Well, actually it created a whole new poltical environment giving the dis-enfranchised of Cactus an opportunity for political clout!

The new mayor, Bill the Bull (left), the town's first bovine mayor, introduced the new city council last week, a council made up entirely of cows, now that they're the only ones left in town. In their first "moo-ve", they passed a resolution which said how happy they were that immigration finally cracked down on the illegals.

We can learn from our neighbors to the south because it seems that Speedy Gonzales was right all along! A study of Greek men who took regular 30 minute midday naps were almost 40% less likely to die of a heart attack than those who didn't nap.

Few American employers will take this seriously. Even if mine did, I'd probably miss it because the meeting to talk about it would , more than likely, interupt my nap. Most American companies are just too stupid to make a change like this. However, there is one who isn't so stupid. At a company called Yarde Metals in Southington, CT, they have a nap room and last week they added a full body massage chair that incorporates aroma-therapy and motion .... and it can simulate the sounds of a babbling brook or the beach. That wouldn't work for me. I need one with fart noises and stench. When I nap, thats what I do.

You've come a long way, Baby! Have we?

My beautiful , talented and outspoken Dixie Chicks won five Grammy's last night. How about that! I like the Chicks and liked them long before they made headlines by speaking out against President "Mission Accomplished".

I met the Chicks once at a radio industry convention. They're genuinely nice ladies, really nice, but when Natalie Maines, their lead singer, said her piece about President Bush a couple of years ago, saying that she was embarassed to be from the same state the imbecile comes from, they were castigated for it. Their CD's were banned on "good ol' boy' country stations and Ms. Maines received death threats from the folks who just love America, but hate everything it's supposed to stand for like ,oh what's that thing called, of yeah, "Free Speech".

The Chicks won every category they were nominated in. Congrats, girls. The Chicks may have to speak out again.

See, we're now hearing that supposedly Iran is sending arms to Iraq. We've even got footage of it. They showed us holes in tanks on CNN and the military is convinced they're Iranian holes.
"Obvious Iranian Hole" or "Hole in Bush's head" ...you decide !

The military and this administration have been 100% wrong on every fact and every rationale , they've presented , as in "weapons of mass destruction" which, FYI, weren't there ....and that this war was a "slam dunk".

I'd be a tidge careful in order that , speaking of music, "we won't get fooled again"

I remind you of The Gulf of Tonkin resolution," the made-up-by- Lyndon Johnson and the military" attack on a US ship which provided the rationale for the The Vietnam War and which "50,000 dead, hundreds of thousands wounded and Lord knows how many Vietnamese killed and maimed" later, turned out to be BULLSHIT.

Let's see...... how does Bush make us think the war is worth a surge ,etc....get our other 'enemy' involved. He counts on a short memory, like his.

George Santayana once wrote, "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it".
I betcha' Bush thinks Santayana is the Mexican general who killed Davy Crockett.

WEEK'S TOP NEWS:Toot, toot tootsie, Goodbye!

In Abington, Massachusetts, a woman is suing the town for the cost of dental work after she took a Tootsie Roll from a candy dish in the town clerk's office and broke her tooth.She wants between $4,000 and $5,000.00! She didn't work there...she was simply getting a dog license. The town is waiting for the insurance company review, but, in the spirit of rebellion, is still offering candy to visitors.

I always hated Tootsie Rolls. They remind me of a turd. In fact when we were kids the fun was putting half of one into your mouth and pretending you were crapping it out. For the totally stupid, candy should come with warnings, like for a Jawbreaker, "Might break your jaw".

Tootsie Rolls have always been hard to chew and should also come with this warning,"Turd shaped bar can cause dental and possibly anal damage if used improperly".

Speaking of long brown things, anal damage and hard to chew , in Colorado, the Reverend Ted Haggard (shown practicing, left) was declared "100% heterosexual" by a review committee from his "Church of the Rectal Lubricant" after he was found to be schtupping his male masseuse, so says his male masseuse who you'd think would know.
Reverend Ted claimed he was doing "sociological research, just like I do each day at my favorite website, "Lactating Lesbian Pygmies. com".

The committee spokesman, Juan the pool boy, reported back that the Reverend, known for his anti-homosexual tirades, is clear of the disease of homosexuality. Praise Jesus! Reverend Ted celebrated by going to see "Spartacus" and then to a Bette Midler concert.

Speaking of mountain highs, we go from Colorado to the village of Viganella, Italy which installed a giant mirror on a local mountaintop to reflect sunlight down to the village in the valley far below, which sounds like the theme from "Billy Jack".

The poor , pale citizenry wasn't getting any sun so, they put this thing up for the cost of about $130,000.00 0r 330 billion lira The designer , Tom Swift Jr. said it should work about as well as "my Electronic Earth Digging Machine". Viganella's mayor, Callamea Irresponsible commented, "Datsa some some spicy mirror dey got upa there. I gets to worka it wid a remote control and right now, I got it aimed at Mamallia Pendulosa's house and me and de boys can see her in de bedaroom from here".

That is all!

Nothing vs. Something....Anna Nicole and Jennifer Harris

Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !

It was all over TV even pre-empting a story about crime in New Orleans on CNN after that freaking moron Larry King had spent an hour talking about the same thing after God knows how many other hours they spent.

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a rat's ass or understand what the hooplah is about. Welcome to celebrity crazed America, 2007!

Did I mention that Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday!

So did Jennifer Harris, from the town I live in, who was a combat Marine...a Captain in the air wing of the Marines.

Anna Nicole Smith simply become famous for doing nothing. She had big boobs, looked like Jayne Mansfield, was a cover girl for Playboy, Playmate of the Year, married some 89 year old 'old fart' worth gaziillions and when he died, she became more famous for chasing his money in a case that went to The Supreme Court.
She also hosted a reality show called "The Anna Nicole Show" which showed her walking around LA with her poodle, put on weight enough to match her tits, then lost it as she worked as a spokesperson for "Trim Spa" diet supplement and is now being sued in a class action suit claiming that the pills were ineffective, had a baby just recently and nobody's quite sure who Dada is , and then croaked spectacularly yesterday in Hollywood , Flori-duh at age 39 at The Hard Rock Casino.


That's a lot of horseshit to cram into one paper bag in 39 years. And that's all it is is horseshit. I was amazed the MADE FOR TV wasn't showing by 10 pm last night.Such an important life!!!!!!
So let me give you a real one!


Jennifer Harris died at age 28. In high school, she played the flute in the high school band. She graduated 5th in her class. She went into and graduated from Annapolis. She then went into The Marines and joined The Purple Foxes, the famous Marine helicopter squadron. She was aboard one of the giant CH-46 Sea Knight helicopters when it crashed Wednesday near Baghdad.This was her third tour in that brutal waste of everything in "Mess-o-Potamia", to quote John Stuart.... aka Iraq. She was just reassigned to Washington DC and due to come home for good next week!

The big news is Anna Nicole Nothing. You decide! What in hell is wrong with us?

Animal Update: Lobsters of the world UNITE

Remember Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in the lobster scene from "Annie Hall" where he freaked out and couldn't put the live lobster in the pot ... and it got away to behind the refrigerator where she killed it with a broom handle.

Here in New England, it is tradition for far tougher folks than me and Woody to go out lobstering , bring back traps filled with them, sell them to stores which then sell them to you from usually crowded tanks, all this while the lobster is still alive.

This is also tradition: You bring the live lobster home, your kids adopt it as a pet, the women leave the room cause its so freaking ugly as it crawls around, people get squeamish (especially non-New Englanders)that you're going to kill it by boiling it in water .....and then you toss Louie in, upside down and head first.

Then everybody comes to the table and doesn't give a shit anymore that the lobster was alive ten minutes ago, rips the thing apart, puts it's meat in drawn butter and say it is delicious because it's so fresh.



A year ago, Whole Foods Supermarkets placed a ban on selling live lobsters because the chain is "animal compassionable". They aren't compassionable when they sell you the damn thing to eat which is why, hell-ooooo, they're selling it to you.

In an announcement yesterday, it turns out that Little Bay Lobster Company in New Hampshire has the cure.......they can now transport the lobsters individually in little lobster condos to minimize their contact with other lobsters and humans. This pleased Whole Foods executives so much that they're trying it at their one Maine store.

In their other 191 stores, the ban still exists because, I kid you not, longer journeys are "harmful to the lobster's well being".

Post condo- life, post Whole Foods "lobster well-being" illustrated above!

Though they'll sell you the lobster live at their Portland, Maine store, they also are happy to use the "Crusta-Stun" which kills it immediately shooting 110 volts into the lobster. This process came not from New England, but from Flori-duh where it was called the "Bundy-Stun", though, frankly, I would have been more than happy to dump Ted into a pot of boiling water.

PETA is as happy as they can possibly be which isn't happy at all...ever. They aren't alone. The pro-Lobster "Crustacean Nation , an association made up entirely of lobsters, is not thrilled with the results either.
A spokes-lobster (above) said on a smuggled-out, underground video-tape from the tank in Portland, "It sounds good, but there's a dark side. Little Bay Lobster Company sold me one of their condos with an ocean view. What a ripoff. I could only see the ocean until the truck drove away from it. Next thing you know, I'm in a tank in Portland , Maine with a bunch of liberal idiots looking inside.....and the condo isn't worth half of what I paid for it. And then they took out this big gun with a cord, switched it to ON for my well being and......." His interview ended abruptly.