Sunday, December 31, 2006

Balls to the Walls for 2007

Here's a book recommendation for you as the New Year begins,"The Life and Times of The Thunderbolt Kid" by one of The MassPube's favorite authors, Bill Bryson; his memoir of growing up in the 1950's in Des Moines.


The MassPube grew up in the 1950's too and , even though I lived basically on a kibbutz in West Philadelphia, it was just like growing up as a nice Gentile boy in Des Moines. The book was laugh out loud funny. It put me into a nostalgic mood as 2007 begins.

I told my 19 year old son to read it. He said , as he was instant messaging, that he doubted he would find it funny and that basically it would be simply the written word of the dialog between myself and my oldest friends from the old neighborhood when we get together. I wonder what his memories will be.

As a group, I assume they'll talk about the days when video games weren't holographic and then head into their 'orgasmatron" for relief from the boredom.

Since I grew up on on a city street in a row house and our parents actually didn't give a shit what we were doing all day, we managed to make every part of the city landscape, including junk, into a ball game using nothing more than a pinky ball ( and when it died, we'd break it in half and play something called "Half Ball" which was baseball with half a ball, the undescended testicle of city sports.

But if we had a whole ball, we'd play.....

Awning ball (nobody has an awning anymore) where you throw the ball on the awning, it rolled back and you hit it back onto the awning with the palm of your hand,

Wall ball where you threw the rubber wall against the bricks of the house and depending on how far it went, that's how many bases your runner went unless it was caught.

Step ball same as wall ball, but ingeniously we used the three front steps as opposed to the wall since Louis Bonder missed the wall and broke somebody's storm door window,

Curb ball ...see how we're working our way out into the street....same as wall ball and curb ball except now we're in the street and throwing the ball against the curb hoping to hit the point of the curb, sending the ball further.

Wire ball which consisted of the throwing the ball straight up, hitting the electric wires and if you didn't catch it, the amount of bounces moved the "runner" forward

and then , the king of them all....

BOXBALL, fully in the street , a parody of baseball where the bases might consist of "third base is the headlight of the Cohen's new Ford".

The equipment for all these games is pictured below:


Now games which simulate sports cost $45.00.

FYI... Our 'Orgasmatron" back then used the same equipment as pictured above, minus the ball. Primitive, but it worked.

Oh well, on to 07. Let's see how we can screw up the future together! HAPPY NEW YEAR !







Friday, December 29, 2006

The anti-Christ wishes you Happy New Year


Should Old aquantance be forgot
And never brought to mind
He ate two pillows off the couch
And one Venetian blind

That's a joke song from the old TV show starring William Bendix called "The Life of Riley" when his neighbor Gillis reported back to Riley in song "code" ....... all because Riley was keeping an illegal goat for a friend and hid it at Gillis' house while the landlord visited.
I never forgot it and it's always the first thing that comes to mind on New Year's Eve.

A New Year dawns for us all. Seems good wishes never work, do they.

Last year we wished everybody good health for the New Year and five friends got cancer in 2006. We toasted success and I lost my job as did my talented friend Bill in the next town while my other friend Bill in Denver never even got one to lose.

So, off to another TV show...
in the spirit of
Seinfeld's George Costanza's
"do the opposite" lifestyle
where everything worked out for him.....


I wish you a year filled with diseases...elephantiasis, berry berry, polio, bird flu.Hell, start with "anal itch" and work your way through "zygotes in your pancreas",etc.

And I wish you an unsucessful year too. I hope you lose your job , your bank closes, you finally get that job at Enron, lose your pension and social security goes bankrupt.

I hope the $500 million dollar winning lottery ticket is you and your wife's birthday numbers and that's the week you forgot to buy one.

I hope your car warranty expires the day before the engine blows.

I hope on your next vacation, you're the one with a full body cavity search from the TSA, while Mustapha, reciting the death prayer from The Koran, is waved through.

I hope you hire legal immigrants as landscapers and they charge you double for a worse job.

I hope there's a orderly's strike when you go in to the hospital for your colostomy.

I hope you get that 4 hour erection from Viagra, the one they're always warning about, and your bubble explodes.

I hope Bush gets his wish and sends more troops into Iraq as a "surge" , the last surge he had being the one where his brain leaked out his ass.

Here's a great quote to end 2006 with, from an Austrian writer named Karl Kraus,"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they believe they are as clever as he".

Kind of a stupid way to wish you a Happy 07, isn't it?

Glad you enjoyed my cleverness!











Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Gerry Ford 1913-2006

Gerry Ford, best remembered for Chevy Chase's bumbling impression of him, died yesterday at the age of 93. The MassPube always liked Gerry Ford cause he was the right man at the right time. He was a good guy and a good president.

Of course, Richard Nixon, the psychopath, was an easy act to follow. Had Bobo the Wonder Llama been named President after Nixon, he would have done a better job than Nixon too.




BETTER THAN NIXON TOO




Unlike Nixon, Ford was a man of integrity and had something few politicians had then or have today......balls!

Ford went from the frying pan to the fire when he pardoned Richard Nixon after Watergate which, at the time, was considered the reason Ford never won the presidency. Nowadays, everybody realizes he was dead on right. For this, he lost the 1976 election.

Chou En Lai, the former Premier of China said it best with his answer, when asked about the historical effect of the French Revolution, "Too soon to tell". (Actually Chou said "Too soon to terr", but The MassPube has translated it for those of you who don't speak Chinese.) You simply can't judge the impact of events too soon after they happen.

Ford did the right thing. He put the mess behind us, took the heat for the sake of moving on and wound up never being elected to the Presidency. Daniel Webster once said , "I'd rather be right than President" and it didn't work out for him either.

But it did work out for this schmuck..President W praised Ford today for "his quiet integrity, common sense and kind instincts." after Tony Snow wrote that for him and told him to just read off the paper.

Bush credited Ford with helping to heal the nation and restoring confidence in the presidency.He then added, "common sense, did ya ever?" and was slapped in the mouth by Tony Snow who didn't write that. ...then Bush left the podium and went on about his day, dividing the country and lessening confidence in the presidency.

Chou En Lai answered, when asked about the impact of the Bush administration," I arleady know the answel. He's a fleakin' molon. He sclews up evelything. Rold herp us arr"!




Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Morning

We haven't even opened the presents yet but I know, after reading the paper, that if I awake before 5 am tomorrow ,I can save $17.99 on a "Elite Maximatic Power Dynamic Juice Extractor" at Macy's.

Why enjoy the holiday today? This is all I can think about!

I wish I knew what a "Elite Maximatic Power Dynamic Juice Extractor" was, but I can't wait to save $17.99. It sounds like something out of
1. the film "A Christmas Story"
2.The Bat-cave...or
3. perhaps something a Palestinian could mis-read and use on the West Bank , "a 'Jews' Extractor".

In other holiday "News of the Jews", 'The Coalition on the Environment and Jewish Life' has requested synagogues across the country use energy saving flourescent bulbs in their big menorahs. In keeping with the holiday, they can last 8 times as long as regular bulbs.

The coalition's next job will be to ask Moses not to turn his staff into a snake again as the introduction of strange wildife can be destructive to the environment.


.

Could holiday time be worse....sure can !

You think your job blows, Nouri Daoud of Baghdad sells Christmas trees on a corner in Baghdad. Talk about an open job market. For the few Christians still in Baghdad, he's their man. And, from what I can tell, he's lucky he still has the head for it. Business is down slightly since Moslem lunatics will kill anybody they see buying a Christmas tree. He's down to selling 3-10 a day.

Other Christmas jobs might include a place on the Catholic League's Nativity Scene Vandalism Squad.....the job is to take reports of and track Nativity Scene vandalism nationwide. For example in Chicago, 32 plastic Baby Jesus dolls were stolen and lined up against some lady's fence. What else would you do with them.... they are hard to fence.

Merry Christmas and to all, a great bargain tomorrow!

Friday, December 22, 2006

"Father of all Turkmens" passes on


One of The MassPube's favorite lunatics sadly passed away two days ago. His name is Saparmurad A. Niyazov and he was the President of Turkmenistan, the oil and gas rich former Soviet republic. This is a guy who gave himself the title , according to the LA Times, of "Father of all Turkmens", not realizing he had pluralized a plural when he did it.

One of his favorite things to do as "Father of all Turkmens" was to lay down on a serving plate on Thanksgiving in the middle of the dining room table and tuck his arms up against his shoulders , stick parsley up his ass, and wait to be carved as a sacrifice to other "turks" who bit the bullet that day, as he completely misunderstood the holiday. He encouraged all male countrymen to do the same at risk of imprisonment.

President Niazov is pictured a month before his untimely death

During his reign, Niazov encouraged a personality cult. He commissioned statues and paintings of himself. His name was given to farms, a port and even a meteorite.

He ruled with an iron hand , so in his honor, I too will pluralize plurals for this obits. He changed the Turkmenistans calendar to only reflects days he thoughts were importants and ruled the country with an iron hands. His rotating statues on the downtown Ashgabat Central Squares was on tops of the "Arch of Neutrality" as they followed the suns each days, arms outraised, so the light always shined on his face.

The opposition hated him and swear to singularize everything now that he's gone. Speaking for thousand who were against the dictator, Darumrapas Vozayin, said ,"All of me hope to change his evil way."

Gas rich Turkmenistan is only ahead of The MassPube in terms of natural gas production worldwide.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

HOMOSEXUAL PENGUINS MEET CHARLOTTE

There's a new children's picture book called "and Tango makes three". It's about a baby penguin that was raised by two male penguins at The Central Park Zoo.

It's like "Two and Half Men ", the TV series, except the cast is mulatto.

But the book is a true story. And so is this.....

The Charlotte NC school superintendent has banned the book because of it's homosexual and anti-family overtones. He did this in response to a letter from Republican county chairman Bill James who said ,"I am opposed to any book that promotes a homosexual lifestyle".

I guess the Reverend Ted Haggard of Colorado would have said the same thing. And he is a man of Gawd.

In a move that clearly shows why public schools suck nationwide, the school superintendent immediately banned the book from the school libraries. He did this after looking down and realizing, "My God it's true, I don't have any balls and the money's good!"

Now to be fair, a famous scientist who Mr. James knows said , after studying the penguins in the book, that.....
1) they were overly neat,
2)squawked with a lisp,
3) had an entire collection of Bette Midler on Broadway and
4) took baths together.

The same scientist, Dr. Mandy Boats, also believes there's still a sign of life in Terry Schiavo.

He would have loved last year's very popular movie called "March of the Penguins" about male and female penguins breeding and raising their young in Antarctica. It was decent photography but idiotic narration. They described the penguins instincts as "love".

Hello.....Penguins don't love their young. They may look like they do, but they don't, since love is a human emotion and their brains are the size of a squirrel's left testicle. They're just busy trying to preserve the species and applying to be county Republican chairman in Charlotte.

Yucch on "anthropromorphism" , the art of giving human characteristics to animals. Except in the case of my dog, it's pretty damn dumb to do.

Meanwhile the opposite, ascribing animal characteristics to humans, is perfectly all right, as in "The Superintendent of Schools in Charlotte North Carolina is a horse's ass."

Proof below

Charlotte School Superintendent, latest photo, really

Mr. James, you freakin' idiot, the penguins aren't gay, they're just trying to preserve the species. But I understand your traditional marraige foundations. Now shut up, go home and beat the shit out of your wife.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

It's a BALL BUSTER of a video game


MassPube Video Gaming
gives you a chance to show you have manly cujones. as we announce a new type of video wargame...........

"REAL BALLS"
for all the idiots who think that playing a game that mimics a war is just what it's like to be in one.

See, in a real war, limbs are flying all over the place and guys are bleeding and screaming around you. In the "just like real" video world, they aren't.

But MassPube Video Gaming is different

Here's how it works.......Not only is the game hooked to your TV and your electric socket, you also put two electric shock pads on your balls...............and every time you get shot in the game, a 200 volt electric charge goes through your nutsy-wutsies. You'll scream just like you're in a real war.

But wait, there's more:

It also comes with a second set of testicle shock pads hooked up to your balls from your team members controllers , so every time one of their thumbs hits the wrong button and exposes you to danger, a 50 volt shock goes through your nuts, not his. You'll really learn what friendship is all about.

True, no limbs are flying but it's a chance to learn just a little about what a real war might be like if pain were inflicted.....just like real, but in the comfort of your own living room.

And, if your order before Christmas...ANY CHRISTMAS.... you'll receive a 10% discount on our special Game Chair


Give MassPube Video Gaming a GO






Friday, December 15, 2006

Senate Democrats announce "Weekend at Bernies 4" starring Senator Tim Johnson

Senator Tim Johnson (D-SD) had emergency brain surgery this week due to a birth defect which caused cranial bleeding. The MassPube wishes him well, but politics are affected

Depending on the prognosis, he may be NOT be able to perform his Senate duties. This could result in a sharing of Senate power if the Republican Governor of South Dakota should appoint a Republican to fill his seat. Hence, with a 50-50 senate, the tie breaking vote would belong to ................




President of the Senate, VP Dick Cheney . last seen wearing Prada.




But the Democrats are smarter than that and MassPube Poltical Intelligence Inc. reports that they are ready to announce their well thought out "Not To Worry" plan with their production of

Weekend at Bernies 4"

in which Mr. Johnson , though unable to move, would attend every Senate session and would be set up with wires to be pulled by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), for arm raising votes. His voice would be done by Senator John Kerry (D-MA) who loves a good joke and has gotten his South Dakota accent down to "almost perfect".

"I laughed my ahz off at the first three movies as did so many othehs" said Senator Ted Kennedy, "and if they could fool all those wise ahz Noo Yawkers on the beach, I figuhed we could do it too and so I endohse this plahn".

President Bush , hearing of the plan, said, "You mean Bernie wasn't dead? I thought that was the joke".

Mr Johnson's first arrival en'scene will be covered by Joan Rivers!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Holocaust Revealed as Fraud at Iranian Conference of Lunatics



Ah, The Iranian Conference on the Holocaust.

People from 58 countries showed up for the great event, sponsored by Holocaust denier President Mahmoud "Heshey" Ahmadinejad who just wanted really smart folks to openly discuss the matter.

The event was almost called off since most of this intelligentsia had a conflict with another important conference "The Richard Simmons Conference on La-Z Boy Usage" only a week before. Most attendees however made it in on time

Among the first day's speakers was Professor David Duke, former Ku Klux Klansman of Louisiana who pissed off the group by refusing to pay retail for having his sheets cleaned. "If the Jews don't ,why should I?", he questioned.

He is currently listed as a professor at Mayp University of Ukraine, but I am told that he is not on tenure track. You probably know the famous cheer they invented:
Two Bits, Four bits
Six bits, a ruble
All for Mayp University of Ukraine
Stand up or you're in truble

Taregh Ahmed from the Al-Tajdid Social and Cultural Society (BEANO every Saturday night) led a panel discussion entitled "Holocaust, the Achilles heel of a primordial Jewish Trojan". The panel never got past the first question , "What the fuck are we talking about?". Mr. Ahmed is from Bahrain and obviously one d0esn't need one to be a citizen of that fair land.

At the David Duke sponsored cocktail party afterwards entitled "The Anti Israel Kill all the Jews and Eat them" Hootenanny and Louisiana Hoedown, the highlight was a song parody by the Professor himself entitled, "If I only had a Bahrain", after which he was beheaded for never bringing the 'ho down ", hence disappointing all.

David Duke points to former body part before minor mis-communication ends in beheading..............................



Saturday, December 9, 2006

"Mahatma Gandhi" lunches with The MassPube

I had lunch with my friend Berger on Saturday. Having never heard of it before, he ordered a Harpoon UFO beer. What came was a bright yellow,bubbly liquid in a glass. Hmm, where have we seen bright yellow, bubbly liquid before.........hmmmmmmm.

He kiddingly asked for a straw since it looked like lemonade as well . I suggested he go over to Leahy Clinic around the corner and get a catheter instead. Now we're on a roll. "It seems to have a firm head", said Berger. "Test it", I said, "and find out if the horse died from diabetes before you drink it."


Turns out it was quite tasty, according to Berger. In fact he ordered a second one. I had a sip....it was excellent. Strangely though, after lunch, he asked for a ride to the airport as he had an undeniable urge to fly to India to free them from British rule.

That's because Gandhi , the Mahatma, liberator of India, drank his own urine daily and Berger somehow now firmly believed he could do it again. Ah, the power of suggestion. Last I heard he has opened a convenience store in Mumbai.

According to medical professionals, there is no purer drink than tinkle.............. providing what you drink is urine, as opposed to mine.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Presentee-ism: the "anti-MassPube" approach to work!

Yes, it's the opposite of "absenteeism"....

it's called "PRESENTEE-ISM"......

....and it's driving employers and fellow workers nuts.

It's when sick employees come in to work sick, spreading their various diseases around the workplace infecting anyone near their cube or anyone breathing the same air that they are expelling their fetid germs out into.

All it takes is one virus laden fool to come in....thinking that his/her job is so important that he/she couldn't possibly stay home and ..... WHAMMO..... the whole joint is infected, causing massive sick days amongst the formerly healthy.

Let me set you straight...if you were killed by a runaway steam roller this afternoon, they'd have another suit in your place tomorrow. Don't go in to work.

The MassPube used to be like that. I'd come in sick. Eventually they named a lake after me, Lake Stupid.




Aerial View, Lake Stupid


These days, The MassPube does everything in his power not to go in to work. Frankly, if I have a hangnail, I'm taking the day off to recuperate from the ordeal.

Anal itch, same thing...that's a sick day!

The MassPube stands against "Presentee-ism". I hope you stand with me. If not, I'm sure there are plenty of lakes nearby!

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

American Idol Worship

With all the hype about the new season of AMERICAN IDOL on TV, The MassPube has to admit he has only seen ten minutes of the show total. But what a ten minutes as witnessed by this article written in May 2006:

Your MassPube accidentally watched the very last few minutes of American Idol ( a show we had never seen before), tuning in as the eventual winner 'sang ' a duet with the eventual runner up, a well dressed, large boobed redhead, a woman who had a voice that probably had male howler monkeys becoming erect in zoos from Albany to Bakersfield.

Then, after the host bragged that more people voted for these pandering buttholes than for any American presidential election (think about that. We should all be so proud), he announced that, with 65 million Americans voting, the redhead with the boobs lost .....and that the grey haired, boob-less, mis-shapen dork had won.

Though the description is close, it wasn't The MassPube, .....
...........but rather a guy named Taylor Hicks, obviously having named himself after his former occupation since he's from Alabama:


"So what do you do at the Mens Wearhouse in Birmingham?"
"I tailor hicks".


As The MassPube and MassPubette lay in bed aghast, he than 'sang' (with a voice that if George Orwell had known about it, he would have included it as one of the tortures in '1984") a song called ,so help me,"Did I make you proud ".
I wanted to answer ,"No, you make me sick"
Accompanied by about 30 Black Gospel singers wearing church gowns, they thankfully drowned most of him out as they gyrated and clapped in a frenzy just as though Jesus himself had come down from heaven to ask us all, "What, I'm only away for 2000 years and this inane overhyped horseshit causes wild adulation and news coverage?" .

Yes, dear Lord, it does. Please help us.

The arrival of Jesus was not covered by the news.Taylor appeared on 11 morning shows the next day.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

The MassPube commutes to work

As the Subaru in front of me stopped at a light, the driver's door opened. The driver sticks his head out, points his face to the ground and lets loose a wad of spit big enough to breed carp. I swear this guy hadn't swallowed in a year. How pleasant the morning commute is!

I'm never in a hurry since all I'm doing is going to work and who in their right mind wants to get there quicker. So I take the time to notice things and The MassPube has noticed that the most dangerous thing on the road isn't car phone usage.


It is Dunkin' Donuts.




Not the place. Lord knows I love Dunkin' Donuts, but the drivers heading in and out. I pass six Dunkin' Donuts on my 19 mile commute to work. In New England, this is a low percentage, so I guess I'm lucky. Here, they're like Sherman tanks to which we don't apply " miles per gallon", but rather "gallons per mile".

Go five miles without a Dunkin' Donuts sign and starvation lurks around the corner. It's no wonder that the Donner party started around here in Newburyport, MA and wound up eating their friends in California. No New Englander could go that long without one and shouldn't be expected to. You become crazed and, trust me, the guy in the next wagon does start to look like a butter crunch donut!

For about half of the people in front of me, it's a last minute screeching decision to turn into the parking lot of the next Dunkin' Donuts.

For the other half, the decision is made about 1/4 mile before the turn and we approach slowly ...very very slowly... before the turn is made. How slow? If you look hard , you can actually see people evolving in the car behind you.

The only thing worse than the folks going into Dunkin' Donuts are those coming out. Now armed with a burning hot liquid on their lap, their attention diverted to protecting "mamacita" from third degree burns, they pull out with wild abandon, then slow to a crawl as they apply balm to the affected pubic areas.

Beware the Dunkin' Donuts fiends.

But in the meantime, I'll have a burning hot latte and a cinnamon stick to go while I'm shifting gears, changing the CD and talking on the phone. After all, ya gotta' eat!

Sunday, December 3, 2006

A Poopy Mess on "Meet the Press"

How does Tim Russert keep his suit clean with all the bullshit flying out his guest's mouths on Meet the Press???

The only thing the public didn't see coming out of Bush National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley's mouth were actual bull turds when he was interviewed on Sunday. You'd think he's mouth-broken. He's not. The actual mouth pooping was edited out!

The mess scraped from Russert's suit after cleanup.
Mr. Hadley gargled for two hours after interview.




They must have Russert duct taped to his chair. How he didn't get up, walk over and slap the self righteous son of a bitch is beyond me.

Basically Hadley said YES he wrote the memo last week which stated that Iraqi Prime Minister el Maliki is , to paraphrase," an incompetent douchebag incapable of running the country", but NO he didn't really think el Maliki was an incompetent douchebag incapable of running the country ...... nor does the President who, when presented with the memo, asked,"What country?".


The memo from Mr Hadley, as interpreted by Mr. Hadley , was simply the product of a guy listing, well, what might be ................ kinda like Ebeneezer Scrooge meeting the Christmas Ghost of the Future ,"Are these images of what will be or what might be?".



Mr. Hadley (left) discusses "what might be" with his Boss


Mr. Hadley explained his writing of the memo as "I had some free time during a day when the nation was secure and needed no advice , and wrote it as a humorous reading interlude for the President last week to give him a respite from My Pet Goat"

As it turns out, Hadley's boss, President Bush, paid no attention at all to the memo anyway. Just goes to show you how seriously Hadley is taken by the incompetent douchebag he works for...if he worked for an incompetent douchebag.