Do you smoke after intercourse?

"I don't know. I never looked."

...... and it's none of your business anyway!

Admittedly, The MassPube smokes cigarettes. I smoke for four reasons:

1) it's healthy
2) it's inexpensive
3) it's convenient and
4) people respect you when you do it.

If any of these change, I'll quit.

Regarding smoking, this week in Masachusetts, a lawsuit was filed by a worker at Scott's lawn care company who was fired for smoking, not at work, but rather just for smoking...off the job....in the evening.

His blood test, given by the company, showed a high level of nicotine in his system. He was never accused of smoking on the job. He claims the higher level of nicotine came from his chewing of Nicorette, the raw sewage flavored, nicotine enhanced gum that helps people quit the foul weed.

Scott's , a manufacturer of chemicals and herbicides in the lawn products business, claims they believe in employee wellness and that they don't want to carry the healthcare costs involved with smokers, forgetting that the age of indentured servitude is over and what employees do at home is really not their business , especially when dealing with a legal substance.

MassPube Corporate Spying LLC has discovered that Scott's has also announced that, in their continuing fight for employee wellness at the pesticide plant, they also will fire anyone......

1. Supersizing meals at McDonald's when they're not at work due to trans-fat.
2. Drinking egg nog over the Christmas holidays due to cholestorol intake even at home.
3. Engaging in gay sex since the average gay man lives 20 years less than the average heterosexual man
4. Eating Grandmom's home made chocolate chip cookies since obesity is a leading cause of health problems including diabetes.

The MassPube advises their employees to look for these X'd out warnings on your next bag of Turf Builder from the company store...

Iraq is a Civil War! Iraq is sectarian violence!
STOP...You're both right!

It's two-two-two wars in one!

The MassPube interviewed several dozen Iraqi corpses to see if they could help answer this "burning" semantics question: Civil War or Sectarian Violence; the greatest controversy this country has faced since the decision was made as to whether Certs was a candy mint or a breath mint.

"I vas hoppy to die in a Civil War and am glad NBC now calls it dat" said decomposing corpse/interviewee Abdul "Beauregard" Massooni, late of Baghdad, " I'm so pissed over de semantics I may svitch to NBC for good, but den I'd have to stop vatching de housewives on ABC, uncovered naked bitches dat dey are."

Waiting to be interviewed by The MassPube for this article, Ali El Kaboom takes a longer than usual dirt nap

But other views abounded. 'Civil Var?? Dots de craziest ting I ever heard. Dis is sectarian violence if ever dere vas sectarian violence", said the still smoldering, headless corpse of Muhammed "Stonewall" Mukhtahr "In fact", he continued, "If I were still alive , I'd start bombing anybody who calls it Civil War. I have my limits!"

President Bush has asked for a cease fire until we can all agree on what it is. "I'd hate to think people died in an un-winnable civil war when they could just as easily die for us in sectarian violence".

The President also said he knows all about about civil wars from his recent reading of the book, "Civil....about that girl with multiple personalities. If they just had one personality , we could win this quickly".

Dustballs, old ballpoint pens and Cousin Mary

In New Port Richey, Flori-duh, " a woman's body was found wedged upside down behind a bookcase in a house she shared with two relatives who had spent 2 weeks looking for her.... Authorities believe she fell behind the bookcase as she tried to adjust the plug of the television in the outlet behind it".



Police in New Port Richey advise,"if you see this murder suspect, proceed with caution.Call 911. He could be hiding in your own house! "




The deceased was 38 years old , 98 pounds, 5'3" inches tall and not known for being real dextrous. Her relatives also expressed disgust at their cleaning lady who was obviously cleaning around her. "You can't get good help these days", said the cousin who lived with her, "but I'm happy to report that we also found .74 cents in change which we'll put towards the funeral."

Donations were discouraged by the local church because "the freaking idiots 'll probably lose that too".

MassPube blamed for Danversport explosion

Shell of neighbor's home after Corned beef and Cabbage dinner by The Masspube

About 5 miles from us lies the small area known as Danversport. On Tuesday night at 3am, a chemical plant there exploded ruinng about 80 houses and most of the businesses. Though the blast could be heard 50 miles away, amazingly no one was killed, although a man named Sid Rubenstein had to have a window air conditioner extracted from his ass in an 8 hour emergency surgery.

Federal and state authorities have wrongly traced the cause to a Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner eaten that night by The MassPube after having been "tipped off" by an anonymous source known only as "Madamoiselle Pubette".

I am an innocent man.

Please help "Save The MassPube".

Donations will be accepted by the

"Federal Anal Regulation Tribunal"

at their web site.

IF I DID IT

OJ's brilliant idea, now thwarted, wasn't a bad one. It opens whole new doors for really interesting books and specials like.........

"If I couldn't tell a joke" by John Kerry,
"If I hated the Jews" by Adolf Hilter
"If I could dance" by Gene Kelly
"If I could talk" by Mr. Ed
"If I hadn't gone into Dad's business" by Osama Bin Laden and ,of course,
"If I only had a brain" by George W. Bush

and so

Bullshit House
is proud to present:

"If I screwed Cameron Diaz" by The MassPube

Chapter 1. It was dark and stormy night. We went back to her apartment. She turned her back to me . She slowly slipped out of her clothing. Completely nude she turned around and said "Take me now".

Chapter 2. The MassPube was pronounced dead on the scene by paramedics who arrived 8 minutes later at her apartment. They expressed surprise that his "Mr. Happy" was still stuck in his 1/8th down zipper. His last words were said to be ,"Homina, homina.homina"
THE END

MASSPUBETTE INTRODUCES NEW SLEEPWEAR LINE

For those of you planning to visit The MassPube this holiday season, please note that, with the high price of heating oil, the house will always be a balmy 62 degrees or less for your continuing comfort.

We have a simple motto here at L'Manse Pube, the hereditary estate of The MassPube, and it is, "If you're here and you want to get warm, please step outside". So dress for the weather even if you're planning to stay inside the whole time. You have been warned.

The MassPubette has adapted over the years and is pleased to announce that she has turned it all into a business.

She is seen below ( on the right) getting ready to hit the runway at the first designer lingerie show of her new line of
" MassPubette's Secret Winter Lingerie.

As a loyal MassPube reader, you'll receive a discount when you request and purchase from our catalog of other sealskin and walrus scent designer clothes by writing us at themasspube@yahoo.com. Use code # 128475YT6473829K 639382612 for your 3% discount on any pre-paid order over $2500.00

MASSPUBE POLITICAL UPDATE

The MassPube's choice for best politician out there, Congressman Jeff Flake (R-AZ). This guy, so far, is absolutely outstanding. Interviewed on 60 Minutes and Bill Maher, he is the anti-"earmark" king and goes after the slime in both parties,i.e., everybody else..

Earmarks are the expenditures secretly hidden in a given, important bill to satisfy local needs of national politicians, like the Alaskan 'Bridge to Nowhere', the multi zillion dollar bridge connecting the town of WalrusTurds to neighboring Letsrubnoses, AK.

Once The MassPube Library, a sixteen story edifice in Boogers, WY (an important and necessary earmark attached to the Anti Terrorist Funding bill) is built, The MassPube stands heartily with Representative Flake.



MassPube Library, Boogers, WY, artists rendition

Keep an eye on Flake. Hopefully he won't turn into a two faced,well, flake.

The Masspube Goes To The Dentist

Work was so God damn boring that I was dying for something more pleasant to do ,so Your Masspube had his equicentennial appointment for teeth cleaning and a checkup last Monday at 11am with a dentist in my office building, a Dr. Mengele from the University of Lowenbrau.

The hygienist, Fraulein Karen, took one look inside my mouth, cleared the other patients from the office, put on a yellow Hazmat suit, started molding plastic fuses for detonation and brought out the heavy equipment for plaque removal. After twenty minutes Karen had had enough of scraping and digging and lit the fuses on the plastic explosives.

Two others patients were maimed in the explosion but I am happy to report that a meat bit served at my Bar Mitzvah was finally dislodged from my molar.

Once the smoke cleared, the dentist came in.,mumbled "Hello", sits down on the stool next to me and says very quietly, tools in hand, ......."and now, Mr. Pube, I'm going to examine your mouth.

To which The MassPube answered, "My mouth???. Aren't you Dr. Mengele, the proctologist? Christ, I'm in the wrong office...and what in hell, may I ask, are my pants doing off?

Yes, he laughed ................ then he started probing and reporting aloud as he checked each individual tooth ; "#1 has a serious torgenflap. #7 needs a silicate sveden, #9 has a reduced dwyvert and will need to be cryo-schtupped" and so it went all the way to #32, fyi, missing in action.

At the end of the appointment , they gave me two small tubes of toothpaste and a toothbrush as though we didn't have any at home and had never thought of purchasing them.

Why do dentists do this? Does your MD give you a band-aid when you leave saying , "Here. If you ever have a skin abrasion of any type, remove the backing and place it over the cut. I hope you remember who gave it to you".

But never one to pass on a good business idea, Masspube Medical Gifts LLC, A division of MassPube International now offers "From your Proctologist to you" a new service which allows registered practitioners to give out framed photos of The MassPube's ex-bosses to patients , a thoughtful and lovely reminder to care for your asshole on a daily basis.

Monday with The MassPube 11/13/06

Jerusalem Based Orthodox Jews and Moslems announce
National Brotherhood Week

As Tom Lehrer once sang
But during National Brotherhood Week
National Brotherhood Week
Abdul El Kaboom and Heshey Feinstein
will dance cheek to cheek

This past week orthodox Jewish fanatics in Jerusalem and their neighborly brethren of Fundamentalist Moslem lunatics found common ground on which they could work together finally.....hating and/ or killing Gay people.

Disturbed about the Gay Pride march in Jerusalem because up to date writings from 2200 BC say being gay is against their religions, and obviously having missed "Diversity Day" at Little MassPube's old high school, they decided to protest together on Gay Pride Day in Jerusalem, Jesus' home town, threatening extreme violence.

Taking a break from killing each other, they are now working together to inflict serious harm on others and find that common ground that brings enemies together, a step in the right direction for peace.............if you're insane!

"Well, neither of us like pork", said new Imam, Isadore Katz, "or guys getting porked ...by other guys...... heh I may use that in open mike standup next week, Shirley, write that down...... Anyway we want to work together and take the moral high ground", said Imam Katz ,as he logged in the 600% markup on the day old bagels he sells to Darfur

Newly ordained Rabbi Mustapha Abdul -el Kaliph chanted in, " With this new plan I can take Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur off from my bomb making factory. It gives me more quality time with the kids. And thats important....they blow up so fast".

******************************

BUSH HEARS THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE!

and in Republican tradition, it says "Expletive Deleted"

That didn't take long

Faster than lentil soup runs through the intestines of The MassPube and with the finesse of a wildebeest in heat, approximately 9 seconds after the Democrats won the House ....... , the human hemorrhoid, Donald Rumsfeld, was canned as Secretary of Defense saying ,"I'd like to stay on, but ,damn it, I have to get my nails done and I just don't have the time for both. This has nothing to do with politics or those ##****## Democrats winning and coming after my head. My nails just look like shit. Look at these cuticles...Look...LOOK...I said LOOK !!!" He was immediately carted out by six 'manicurists' in white coats who reportedly heard him singing "My Way" over and over on the way out the door.
********************************************
THIS JUST IN

MASSPUBE EXCLUSIVE

Congressional Democrats announce plan to become

"power hungry, entrenched slime" ASAP

Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC (which I believe is a 'female'' procedure) wrote in a secret memo found by MassPube Press International reporters:

"We promised the American people that we'd state our goal and why beat around the bush, no pun intended. Of course, we'd like it to be a bipartisan effort because we respect our 'child pornography enjoying, lobbyist-supporting, right wingers who hope to destroy the Constitution' Republican opponents, but they are hard to deal with.

We want to win the big one in 08 and so our main goal is to make John Kerry a Republican.............and that seems to be our first real fight with the opposition which is balking at the plan!We also intend to make the most of this for our own sake, just as they did ,cause we know someday we'll get tossed out and we only have limited time . We don't plan to listen so don't call us, we'll call you. And so, as Douglas Adams titled his book about the dolphins heading back to their home planet................ let me finish by saying, in case you haven't figured it out yet, 'so long and thanks for all the fish. "
**************************************************
LITTLE MASSPUBE'S FOOTBALL SEASON ENDS WITH A 6-5 RECORD

Little MassPube's team played a great game Saturday winning 14-10 after two long TD passes and two great goal line stands gave them the victory over a very good team that had beaten them earlier.

A hubbub erupted before the game as an illegal Hispanic immigrant was arrested in the stands when he stupidly stood up and answered this question "Jose , can you see".

There were tears in our eyes as campus police took him away since the Deval Patrick immigrant amnesty program for Massachusetts doesn't start til February.

To end the season appropriately,
here again (even though he was injured all season) is
The Little MassPube Fight Song
(to the tune of the theme from Blazing Saddles)

Coach calls on Little MassPube
so the other team don't score
Coach saves him til they're winning
By 30 points or more

The coach says "Little MassPube,
go in there and defend.
Please stop the other teams runners
from coming round the end.

He plays real hard.
He plays real strong
He fills a defensive space.
And when the game is over
NOT ONE HAIR IS OUT OF PLAAAAAACE


Boolah Boolah til next week, The MassPube