Waste is a Terrible Thing to Mind

Planning some European travel this year. If you're going to Greece, wear hip boots and bring a clothespin for your nose because things have certainly changed since the days of Perseus. It seems to have been taken over by a new stream of thought from the lesser known philosopher, Trashius.

Athens, the Boston of Greece, is having a garbage crisis. The main landfill of the city in Ano Liosia reached capacity in late December. Since Athens produces 6,000 tons of trash a day, one would think that those in charge would have noticed, say, in November, but alas, they made no contingency plans at all.

To combat bad publicity, their Chief of Landfills, Panacea Crockapoopoulis hired Tony Snow to act as press secretary because " he's obviously used to slinging shit". In his first press conference Snow said, "Someday they hope to be able to walk to the moon on this garbage. To Greece, it's their space program".

Space continues to be top of mind for all Greeks as their temporary landfill , which they started using three weeks ago, is now full too. Their third spot, the bedroom of a Mrs. Yankadickalotulous, is expected to be filled by today at noon.

The problem came to a head at Ano Liosia when an extremely heavy set English visitor, a Mr. Python, asked if he could drop just one more "After Dinner" mint wrapper onto the landfill; a mint he had used to cleanse the palate after a Christmas meal. The whole place simply collapsed under the weight of the wrapper.

With the shining Parthenon upon the hill now filling with Hefty Flex Force bags as residents look to dump their trash somewhere, Greece is ranked last by The EU Enviromental Agency for levels of recycling ...... and it was recently named the #2 producer of garbage in Europe, 2nd only to Malta, best known for their dairy drinks, Malta Milk. Should Malta not be able to fulfill the responsibilities of winning, it will lose it's crown and Greece will fulfill it's responsibilities.

Ano Liosa is a 520 foot mountain of partially treated sewage, hospital waste, construction site rubble and household trash. Making lemonade from lemons, it has been covered with train set mountain paper and is being put on cheaper tour bus routes as "The Acrapolis".

Even their off shore sewage treatment near Piraeus has accumulated thousands of tons of toxic sludge, some of which they actually shipped to Germany ... as part of their "forgive and forget" program from World War 2.

Waste is a terrible thing to mind! Professor Immodium Urineanalysis, Dukakis Professor of Waste Management at the Universitas of Gyros expressed frustration when he commented, "I don't know to do. It's all greek to me".

Why not visit someplace cleaner this year...how about Chernobyl?

Global Warming for Dummies, Dopes, Morons and Senator Imhofe

In a Seattle suburb called Federal Way, a teacher wanted to show Al Gore's film , An Inconvenient Truth, to her class. Of course, one parent objected...not because he doesn't believe in global warming, but because he believes it's God's will .

Global warming is a sign to Mr. Looney that Judgment Day is approaching. Should it hit Seattle, I am sure he is planning to stand with a staff at Pier 63, part Puget Sound and walk to cooler climes across the water, maybe to Port Townsend.
The Federal Way Washington school board views non-controversial GLOBAL WARMING escape plan

However, that's not the story. The story is that the school board knuckled under. Teachers wishing to show 'controversial' films must get written approval from their principal. And Kay Walls, the teacher involved , is going to get a discplinary note because she didn't get prior approval because its a school board rule that before a "controversial' film shows in school, the teacher must get permission. Remember , one parent objected!

Controversial? Fugedaboutit!. Even the Chief Idiot of the USA finally admits its happening. He even mentioned it in his State of the Union address. The poor teacher did try to find an alternative view and found one, yes one, in Newsweek magazine.....from 37 years ago. Everybody else legitimate agrees.

There is one holdout still. He's the former chairman of The Senate Environmental Committee, James Imhofe, Republican of Oklahoma where the wind comes whipping down the plains...and through his ears. Don't blame him...blame the Okies who vote him in.

We're supposed to compete in a global environment with every other country in the world and we can't even show a film to kids that quotes legitimate science.

When I was a kid, we had no trouble with that.

We watched The Living Desert which showed cute widdle prairie dogs and sidewinder snakes living happily where today there are housing developments. We watched Disney's "Our Friend, the Atom" ( not to be mixed up with the porno film about Eve in the Garden of Eden, "Your friend, the Adam") which showed how atomic energy when put into the right hands, ours, was very useful. and how, if it fell into the wrong hands, theirs, ping pong balls on mousetraps would all spring off, killing us all. If one goes, they all go.!

On the last day of school in my 9th grade year, with all the art supplies packed up for the summer, my art teacher showed the controversial 16 mm film called, so help me, "How to train your parakeet".

I remember because , as they showed parakeets riding atop model train cars with little engineer's caps on their feathered little heads, I started to get the giggles (I still do) and then started screaming laughing out loud so hard, he dropped my discipline grade in Art from A to D.
Trained parakeets cruelly are shown in their Halloween costumes. They're going out as fingers.

Today I would have called PETA . Those poor parakeets!

As to the Federal Way School Board here's a non-controversial inconvenient truth: You're idiots and you've just done a major dis-service to your community! God, in case you haven't heard, is supposed to be a non-factor in public education!

My Son, the Medical Clown

Haifa University in Israel is now giving a degree in medical clowning. When I first read the article, I thought this would be the training ground for the the people at insurance companies who turn down claims and juggle with your life, as in "heart, schmart.....transplant REJECTED".

But alas, I was wrong . It's a combo of the departments of nursing and theater.



"I'm afraid it's terminal"





It's a move towards holistic medicine to improve the spirits of hospital patients, like better lights, better decor and better food. Of course waking up from anesthesia and seeing your tubes being tended by some demonic clown probably won't help too much, but that's just one man's opinion. I hope they teach them how to clean up shit because there'd sure be a load in my pants.

The program is being funded by a Swiss foundation. Verbally given the funding request, the foundation liked the idea of supporting hole-istic medicine, figuring it'd be good crossover marketing for their cheese.

Of course, funding is always tough beyond the initial dollars and the clowns and hospitals hope be innovative in their needs , i.e., using cadavers testicles for juggling balls .....

and Lord only knows what they're going to use for balloons to make animal shapes. "We'd like to thank Irv Ginsburg who generously donated his stomach for the making of this blow up giraffe". You can imagine other items they'll be using for balloons yourself.

"The ambulance was late, Mrs. Rubin, because there were over two hundred clowns trying to squeeze in to come with us. Sorry, but since he's dead anyway, the clowns asked if they can have his balls"

If you haven't noticed yet, I hate clowns. Usually they scare the living shit out of me just like they did to Kramer in that famous "Seinfeld" episode. Steven King's scariest book "It" featured a horrifically demonic clown as the main fright point, a clown who lured kids into his lair in the sewers to kill and eat them. Gee, I wonder how he picked that? Yeah, medical clowning...that should work.

This opens up whole new areas, especially for Jewish doctors who wanted to do standup and whose mothers forced them into medicine, "What? Are you crazy. You want to be a comedian. Be a doctor and when you get your degree, I'll come over and laugh at all your jokes. Oy vay".

Maybe he can try it in the surgical suite, "Retractor I said. Retract her I did...and I don't work there any more".

Ugly Animal Update

1. Australian diver Eric Nerhus was half swallowed by a great white shark this week and said "a lead lined vest was all that saved him from being bitten in half" by the shark. He spent, he estimates, over two minutes in the shark's mouth.

Having once been half swallowed by a Great White shark, and after careful research, I believe that sharks must be allergic to the taste of shit emanating from any given human's diving pants almost immediately after being half swallowed.

I then held his jaws open by using a small placard on a stick, as taught to me by my diving instructor, shown below, and escaped! That's how I got away. Nerhus used a similar method and survived by poking the shark in the eye socket with an abalone chisel. Nerhus has severe cuts to the head and torso and really, really dark brown stains all over his buttocks which doctors say may never come off.

The shark went home and had to explain to his wife, who had sent him out to get dinner at "Whole Humans" because she didn't want to cook that night, exactly why his teeth were brown. His exact answer was "You wouldn't believe what happened to me today". In further humiliation, all the other sharks down at the bar mocked him and kept calling him "Wood Eye" all day. Even his best friends said, "An abalone chisel!!!! Yeah, right".

2. Other shark news.....
A rarely seen , let alone captured, Frilled shark died in a Japanese marine park after a few days in captivity.


So help me, that's a picture of one above and left and it was not taken in The Black Lagoon!

Normally these sharks live at a depth of 2,000 feet. They said it appeared to be quite sick out of his element. The MassPube believes that the frilled shark had never seen himself in the mirror before.... and a first glance of what he actually looks like in the pool mirror killed him. It was akin to my friend Meckler looking in a mirror as he turns 60 this weekend. Meckler too, became quite ill at the sight, but survived the shock with solid veterinary care and bed rest. The Frilled shark didn't.

3. In the "People who look like Horse's category",


Senator John Kerry said he was not going to run for President this time around. He and virtually every Republican in America started to cry as he made the announcement. He hopes to focus his attention fully on being a Senator which, I believe, is what he's actually being paid to do.

True Justice in Mississippi

The other day I wrote about the media hype concerning the two African American Super Bowl head coaches. Just overblown, racially pandering media hype, making something out of nothing over the fact that that two qualified men are facing off. but today's story is a really big deal indeed. because it's real life, not football!

James Ford Seale, a 71 year old Missippi white bastard AND former Ku Klux Klansman, was just arrested for his role in the murder and torture of two young Black men in his home state in 1964. The men were beaten with tree branches , weighted down and drowned alive....43 years ago!




At the time , the local sheriff said it was the worst case of suicide he 'done ever saw'.




Turns out Seale was living the whole time just seven miles down the road from where the kidnapping and murder took place. His family, lovely people I'm sure, said he was dead.

He was only found after the Feds re-opened the case in 2000 at the urging of the victim's brother, Thomas Moore, as well as a documentary film maker named David Ridgen and they're the ones who found him...recently!

2007 minus 2000...that's seven years. Quite the FBI we've got , huh! Hmmm, let's see... they missed the flight school memo in 2000 saying that Arab students are enrolled in flight schools, but only want to learn how to take off, not land..... and now this.

Where's Efrem Zimbalist Jr. when we need him?

Inspector Erskine, star of the old TV show THE FBI would have found him in less than an hour guaranteed !

Current FBI associate director of PR, Jordan Rivera said, "Don't blame us . We searched everywhere in a 6.99 mile radius of the crime".

But, from lemons, make lemonades, I always say!

SO HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.....Mr. Seale was escorted in shackles into the Jackson , MS federal courthouse yesterday by two African American federal marshalls and stood in front of an African American female judge. Welcome to Mississippi , circa 2007, you son of a bitch!

I understand he was very polite to her too. Hopefully his new room mate will be a 6'8" lifer named Bubba who likes fresh meat...and I mean that with all compliments to Bubba. Its a great way for Mr. Seale to enjoy whats left of his golden years, as far as I'm concerned.

Welcome also to the real world!

By the time I get to Phoenix, I'll be rising

In Yavapai county, Arizona (somewhere near Phoenix), a 29 year old convicted sex offender actually posed as a student in at least two middle schools.

His elderly homosexual goombah,Lonnie Stiffler (ahem), registered him saying he was the "student's" grandpoppy. Pop Pop is now under arrest too

Neil Havens Rodreick II came from Oklahoma to Arizona and posed as a 12 year old and is now charged with misdemeanor assault, conspiracy to commit fraud, conspiracy to commit forgery, failing to register as a sex offender (I'm personally shocked) and posession of a forgery device.

Administrators at Imagine Charter School at Rosefield (a school for Kindergarten through 8th grade) kicked him out for , so help me, poor attendance. However, administrators at the school did note, "...he was quiet ...had no discipline issue... turned in his homework on time...was never sent to the principal's office...and kept to himself".

He got caught when administrators at another charter school called "Mingus Springs" realized his birth certificate might be fake after he spent a day there. What must have tipped them off was the large black line through 1978 and the scribbled " I like mean 1995" next to it.

Could I make this shit up?

Administrators at The Imagine School sent a note home to parents after all this was revealed; a note which said that
1."locks have been added to security gates"
2. that they're " forming a task force to evaluate parents suggestions on school safety" and
3. that the administrators and teachers will have brains and eyes installed on their persons immediately.

A task force? Yeah, that should work! The locks should work too since the dude didn't exactly break into the place.

It seems to me their first hint should have been that he turned in his homework on time. After that, perhaps they might have noticed his beard and the facts that he asked for a parking space and a day off to vote.

Jake The MassPube interviewed one of the two principals.

Principal Desiree Storm (left) explained it this way, "like man, how was I supposed to like know ,like okay, that like he wasn't just twelve. We just thought he like knew history, okay, because he like knew that there were presidents before Clinton".

Ms. Storm, age 14, (iputout @ myspace.com) continued, "Now I have to get another date to the Spring dance".

ABC has announced that their hit show, To Catch a Predator" will set up in the school's lunchroom for the next episode. To keep the lunchroom noise down while filming , they're only inviting the kids who are quiet, turn their homework in on time and have never been sent to the principal's office!

White Guys meanly left out of coaching in Super Bowl: Read all about it!

A sports hot line I usually don't look at on the web stated today that, for the first time, an African American will coach the losing team in the Super Bowl and this will prove how inferior Black men are!

It was on The Ku Klux Klan blog. It's called The Ku Klux Klog.

At The Blogger's Convention, everyone noted that when they take off their masks, their heads were pointed too .

But I'm happy to report that MassPube Sports Research thinks otherwise and our prediction is ..... that an African American coach will win The Super Bowl, possibly this year.

Which begs the question, have we all gone nuts?

Yeah, I'm white but ain't that the point? Who cares what color the coaches are? Who would even think about it unless we're told to think about it? The mainstream media has leaped on the story of the two African American head coaches like the obese might spring at a cruise ship midnight dessert buffet.

Come on....I'm talking about Tony Dungy of The Colts and Lovey Smith of The Bears . They aren't heading to the game because they're Black men. They're heading toward the Super Bowl because, quite simply, they're great, established, well liked, well respected coaches. Nobody cared that they were African American men all season long and I find it hard to believe anybody cares now.
Welcome to equality, where you're measured on performance and not the color of your skin! It was the goal. It's here! I couldn't care less. Am I a bigot? I'd rather celebrate equality than coincidence any day!

But its a story that has picked up steam in the mainstream media, the same way it was a big deal when , a few years ago, The Oscars for acting went to Halle Berry and Denzel Washington. The media made a big deal about that too. Why? They simply won because they deserved to win . Why did they deserve to win?.... Because they have talent up the kazoo and screenwriters wrote great roles for them.

This year my bet is on Forest Whitaker as Best Actor and Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson as Best supporting actors in Dreamgirls. So? They're good actors, they deserve to win!(Little does Hollywood know that Mr . Whitaker was only offered the role of Idi Amin in "The Last King of Scotland" after Sascha Baron Cohen turned it down) .

I guess, however, that this is somehow special to African Americans. I can commiserate by remembering how proud I was when two white coaches faced off against each other for the first time in the Super Bowl. That was , lemme see, oh yeah, Super Bowl 1. The good news is that it started a trend and we'll see if this year's bowl starts a new one.

This is not the first time, by the way, that two African American head coaches played for a professional championship. Way back in 1975 Al Attles coached his San Francisco Warriors to an NBA title over K.C. Jones' Washington Bullets. That was 28 years ago and I think the long way we've come is proven by the fact that, in reality, this time around nobody cares. Do you hear me.....NOBODY CARES!

That's good news.....NOBODY CARES!

Come Super Sunday, ain't nobody Black in Chicago gonna be happy for Tony Dungy if his team wins and vice versa. Believe me and you can bet your pan pizza on that one !

Harry Flashman, President Bush and The State of the Union

Tonight is President Bush's "State of the Union " address. He'll walk into the House chamber like a male puppy wagging its tail when you take him to the vet to be neutered, with a big grin on his face as though he's not going to have his nuts cut off. And the joint Congress will welcome him basically as Rosa Parks' bus driver did in 1954, I hope.

Told by Tony Snow that he was supposed to report on the 'state' of things in his policies, the prez responded that he thought his insurance was up to date. Mr. Snow then smacked him on the head with the heaviest object he could find, a looseleaf book of anti- Bush editorials over the last two days, knocked him cold and then had a speechwriter re-write the speech.

When he awakens though, there may a glimmer of hope for us all regarding Iraq and Afghanistan, because , according to Maureen Dowd in Saturday's New York Times, Bush's newest reading list (now that he's finished My Pet Goat) amazingly includes several books starring my favorite fictional character of all time...

.......... The philandering, cowardly scoundrel and most decorated soldier, ahem, in the history of England, the one, the only Harry Flashman, anti-hero of the series of ten novels written by the great George McDonald Fraser.

I only wish Bush had read them before he sent our soldiers to both places. Besides great writing that puts a smile on your face every page in every book, Fraser's history is footnoted and dead-on accurate. Handsome Sir Harry recognizes early on the folly and bullshit of every war as they're started for God-knows-what idiotic reasons by self serving politico's .... and "Old Flashy" will be damned before he willingly gets his ass killed for no reason at all.

The folly of fighting in Afghanistan is in the first novel "Flashman" where he's pretty much the only one to survive, out of thousands of British soldiers, in Great Britain's infamous disaster in that bloody country in the 1800's. He survives mostly by

1.cowering

2. hiding under the bodies of those protecting him as they fall ,and

3. gallantly picking up a gun to kill himself rather than be tortured and ,of course, not even knowing how to use it, accidentally kills the rebel leader as the reinforcements came over the hill. To coin a phrase, Mission accomplished!

But, at least, Flashy knows he's a coward. Bush pretends he isn't. Dodging wartime service, him and his 5 deferment VP quite happily have sent our troops into their own "Charge of The Light Brigade" without understanding long term implications. He's a guy who wears a flight suit while walking under a banner that says "Mission Accomplished" when the only thing he accomplished was not throwing up in the cockpit of the jet that brought him there.

I hope that instead of sitting quietly, Congress gives him 'what for' tonight. The self deluded baboon speaks at 8pm EST tonight. Even Flashy, the world's greatest ass kisser, would vomit if he had to pretend it was meaningful!

Political Asshole News

Former Democratic Florida Senator George Smathers died Saturday at age 93. Normally one would say, "Besides Mrs. Smathers, who gives a shit?" BUT Smathers was the one who taught Nixon's disgraced VP, Spiro T. Agnew how to "get it on" spouting fancy 'lies' to idiots.

In his first race in 1950 vs. incumbent Claude Pepper, Smathers went out to low intellect residents ( i.e., all of them) in Flori-DUH with this speech...and ,so help me , it's true as recorded by a small magazine back then, "Did you know that Claude Pepper is known around Washington as a shameless extrovert....he is known to practice nepotism with his sister in law and he has a sister who was once a thespian in wicked New York City. Worst of all, before his marraige, he practiced celibacy." Selected areas of low IQ residents of Florida shown below.
He wound up serving three terms in the Senate. During his time in office he opposed all sorts of civil rights legislation mostly because the Black people in the state were the only ones who knew the definitions of "extrovert,nepotism, thespian and celibacy" and he didn't want them to vote.

Agnew simply ran with the idea twenty years later to other low IQ areas of the country including...


In other big political news this past weekend, HILLARY CLINTON announced she's in the race. The MassPube warns you to be wary of her as rumor has it that she once was a practicing thespian in wicked New York City.

She wasn't the only one to leap into the fray this past weekend. Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas is now in the race. His fellow Republican, George Allen (ex-Senator from Virginia) simply said "Brownback, eh. So another macaca is in the race besides Obama".

Brownback stated that he advocated " an end to cancer deaths in 10 years and a prominent role for God". Whoa, he's really taking a stand there. He's also against "shitting in public, blowing up tall American buildings and crabgrass on your lawn!

God (shown above), when asked what role He'd like to play in a future Brownback administration said, " Me Damnit! He said WHAT? The answer is none. Brownback is an asshole and take my word for it cause I'm God".

Are you ready for some....snacking.. football, Jane Eyre?

There's a great old episode of The Honeymooners where Ralph and Ed buy a TV together and keep it in Ralph's apartment. Ralph comes home with tons of snacks one night and lays it out on the table next to him, getting it ready so he can watch a movie., carefully putting it all within arm's reach. When he goes into the bedroom to change into his robe,in sneaks Norton complete with goofy space helmet all set to watch "Captain Video" and the argument ensues for the rest of the show. Its a hysterical episode.

Well, they aren't the only ones to get ready for a day and night of watching TV.

Me, I'm getting ready for some football as the NFC championship game starts at 3 pm with The Bears vs. The Saints and at 6:30, my big game begins , the hometown Patriots vs. the always tough and amazingly good (a team that is overdue for the Super Bowl), Indianapolis Colts under the leadership of Peyton Manning.

FYI, The Boston Globe picks The Bears 23-17 and they also picked , unbelievably , The Colts winning by the same score over the hometown team.

So today to get ready for an afternoon and evening of great football I went to the warehouse store in ultra -liberal Cambridge, Massachusetts for my snacks and the place was mobbed. Everybody was buying snacks, ,but amazingly not for the game .


See, tonight PBS starts their new series "Jane Eyre", at 9pm no less, during the last quarter of the game and virutally everyone at the store was wearing Jane Eyre jerseys with Jane Eyre caps, buying Jane Eyre chairs to sit in and telling their wives, "Honey, don't get chips. Get something healthy. How about just some cut -up raw vegetables, brie cheese and some duck pate' for water crackers."

Good old Cambridge. Jane Eyre jerseys had quickly sold out. Jane Eyre baseball caps were being scalped outside the store. One lean,well muscled fellow in Bierkenstock sandals said, "I even bought a new treadmill with headsets for the first episode. I'll exercise the whole time it's on. I lost 18 pounds during Bleak House alone."

Several people told me they were attending Jane Eyre parties tonight.PBS will be following up with an hourlong discussion.

A Professor Phillips of The Harvard School of the Arts commented, "They put the hourlong discussion on to cahhllm us down ahfter the show. Lahhst yeah we hit the streets right ahfter Bleak House's premiere at 10pm to celebrate at "The Teahouse" in Hahhrvahhd Square and the police could not control our wild gittiness as the crowd got biggah and biggah. One ahficeh actually raised his voice ahsking us to fohhrm a single line with which we complied immediately."

According to Crowd Control Magazine, this happens everywhere across the country after the premiere of every PBS series and as Hy N. DeMitey, chief of police in Indianapolis, dressed in full riot gear, said, "The PBS' ers are nuts and we're not going to let things get out of control after the show like the last time!"


There was just a news report that Bostonians dressed as Indians are dumping all copies of The Boston Globe into the harbor for their act of treason.

Must be because of their bad review of Jane Eyre on Friday!

PBS vs. The Patriots...You make the call !

VERSUS


Dear PBS:

On Sunday night, you will begin airing your new adaptation of "Jane Eyre". It starts at 9pm EST nationwide.

Please make sure that you note that it is NOT supported by viewers like me or anyone I know.

First of all, when I had to read it in high school, I found it terminally boring. I got up to page 6, then bought Cliff's Notes. Cliff seemed equally bored. The only worse book was "The Mill on the Floss" which , if I remember correctly, has to do with dental care products.

Second, and this is most important:
Try to understand this, stupid, that you're putting it on during the last hour of The New England Patriots (Yea) vs. The Indianapolis Colts (Boo) AFC Championship game...Brady vs. Manning...the best of the best.....and unless Charlotte Bronte (who wrote the novel in 1847) is a linebacker (well, they could bill her as 'Bronte' Nagurski), pretty much nobody in Boston, Indianapolis or anywhere else will give a damn!

Here in the Boston area, it is my sincere hope that even Cambridge elites will leap from their Bierkenstocks at the thought of turning off the game.

Now I admit that you put on some pretty good shows which I thoroughly enjoy, and some pretty boring ones like "Eye on Kumquats" or other twaddle like that , but one has to ask, "Do you have your head up your ass?"

Are you trying to break up families by taking away their quality time sitting together in front of the screen in either mutual sorrow, mutual unbridled happiness or mutual nervousness as they are rooting the hometown team on to victory ....and the wife says, "Honey, lets turn off the end of the game and watch Jane Eyre". If my wife said that to me, I'd have her committed.

( Heh...."watch Jane Eyre"....sounds like the old jokes; Did you ever see a cigar box, a kitchen sink,etc??? )

I hope you've thought ahead and sold the major sponsorship to a firm of divorce attorneys!
This show proudly sponsored by the national divorce law firm of Cohen, O'Leary, Callahan and Johnson and their 4000 attorneys, but don't call now as they're all watching the end of the game ......and also viewers like you , well maybe not you because you're watching the game too!

How can you expect people to support you when you make dumb decisions like this? The start of a show you probably paid a fortune for is starting when? You guys really have to get out into the real world more often.

Y'know, deep down I always wondered what happened after page 6, but c'est le vie! Your timing stinks. At my house, Charlotte Bronte is coming over to party wearing a Patriots jersey and bringing the nachos and dip. Ill ask her!

Thank you and GO PATRIOTS,
Jake the MassPube

The Doomsday Clock...is that "spring forward" or " fall backward?"

The scientists at The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved their DOOMSDAY CLOCK to five minutes before midnight yesterday. It was at seven minutes before the hour.

They did this due to
1.Global Warming
2. The fact that virtually everbody named Achmed is logged on to nuclear bombs. com... and
3. I assume, because George Bush is in charge of the world, which is akin to making my wife President of Mapquest.

When they finally do put it at midnight, basically the world ends. However, scientists did say they have signed Dick Clark to host the big event. They promise a really rockin' party too, literally!

But before you run out and get a hooker and bring her home to meet the wife, know that they do sometimes move the clock back again, if they can.


It was explained this way by Professor Ishmael D. Harpooner, "It doesn't have a damn thing to do with the state of the world. The clock went digital in 1989 and none of us can set the damn thing. Set it for 5 am and it rings at 5 pm....or the volume's too low when it goes off...or it's on the wrong station. Drives us nuts....and besides we like to fuck with you!"

President Bush has paid no attention to the clock at all because he can't figure out why, on the one they gave him, Mickey's big hand never moves.

Speaking of radio, check out this news from the Planet Vulcan

Go to this link, that's right, just click on it
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/15/technology/15radio.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

for an amazing story from The New York Times about .....

The media in San Francisco

The power of blogging and

The fear of big media companies when they're feeling a wee bit threatened by a suitable part of the audience fed up with untethered arch conservative talk show hosts....and the power of just one person who took a stand.

I once took a stand, but my mother made me give it back.


What in hell is going out there with radio? Sacramento's KDND yesterday ... (see my earlier posts "Death by Media" two days ago or "The End " today)...San Francisco today! What in hell is in the water out there. Man, a little really cold weather and the big boys go whacko. BRAIN FREEZE !!

It all started when a reputable blogger (aren't we all? ) named Spocko at http://www.spockosbrain.com took on KSFO and , with some help, asked advertisers if they actually knew the right wing attitudes they were sponsoring. Hateful words were being spewed over the airwaves in the City by the Bay according to Spocko and it's creating quite a stir as old Spocko is being threatened with a lawsuit by Disney .....who owns ABC.... who owns the station ....who swallowed a fly ...because , again according to Spocko, advertisers pulled their ads.

If it's left to the lawyers, Spocko will be leaving more than his heart in San Francisco.

It's complicated , The NY Times sums it up well, liberal , biased bastards that they are, and you can draw your own conclusions.

I once drew my own conclusions but my mother made me erase them.

Conservative radio in San Francisco??? Sounds like that'd work as well as an all Klezmer station in Tehran or Damascus, but I betcha they get the ratings. I believe KSFO is a pretty big station and quite powerful.

You can also check this out at the excellent blog at http://steveklotz.com/blog.

Good luck Spocko, live long and prosper!

The End

For those of you who listened to my podcast "Death by Media" or read my article from two days ago, you'll be pleased to know that Sacramento radio station KDND 107.9 fired their "Morning Rave " talk show hosts and seven other staffers after their well thought out contest to see how much water you could drink without making tinkle. It wound up killing a local woman and contest entrant from "water intoxication". This will probably improve their ratings.

The station markets itself as "the end" and indeed it was for one listener and about 10 others.



This stops their next contest dead in it's tracks. It was to see how much Ex-Lax you could ingest without shitting.

Concerning this, Tony Snow announced that this means that President Bush will have the cork up his ass surgically removed sometime this week. Too bad, because the grand prize was "brush clearing " equpment! But hopefully this will clear his head as just this week he said the Iraqi's owe us a great deal of gratitude for the help and stability we've given them by invading and fighting off the insurgency which wasn't there or close to there until we invaded looking for weapons of mass destruction which weren't there either.

You're welcome!

Government 'Bake Sale" half baked.

There's a bumper sticker that says something like "It'll be a better world when schools get all the money they need and the Air Force has to have a bake sale to build a bomber".

Well , finally the Government listened! "WASHINGTON - The U.S. military has sold forbidden equipment at least a half-dozen times to middlemen for countries -- including Iran and China -- who exploited security flaws in the Defense Department's surplus auctions. The sales include fighter jet parts and missile components. " That's from The Associated Press on Yahoo news this morning. It continues ,"The sales were to a Pakistani arms broker convicted of exporting U.S. missile parts to Iran resumed business after his release from prison. He purchased Chinook helicopter engine parts for Iran from a U.S. company that had bought them in a Pentagon' surplus sale. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents, speaking on condition of anonymity, say those parts made it to Iran....Federal investigators are increasingly anxious that Iran is within easy reach of a top priority on its shopping list: parts for the precious fleet of F-14 "Tomcat" fighter jets the United States let Iran buy in the 1970s when it was an ally."

They saw the ad in The Terrorist Times, "Yard Sale 7am -7pm this Saturday at US Pentagon. No early birds please. All sorts of great stuff. No ID required."

The Pentagon spokesperson, General A.E Neuman, said,

"We always use The Terrorist Times. We sell out after every ad"

I love the guy that the Pentagon sold the parts to ; a Pakistani arms dealer just out of prison!
"So Abdul, what are you going to do with all these parts and arms
I plan to sell them to countries to kill Americans with them.
Not a problem, Checkout is to your left. And come again"

"Countries don't die from murder, they die from suicide!", a famous historian once wrote. But when our guys and gals get bombed , know they're being bombed by well made American products, not some foreign piece of crap. That'll make you feel better.

In other mideast news Saddam Hussein's (now literally) half brother (when he was kidnapped a few years ago, they put his picture on a container of Half and Half) , Barzan Ibrahim , was hanged yesterday and, when they opened the trap door with the noose around his neck and let him drop, his head came off. Ouch!

The Sunni's are angered. Beheaded, can you imagine? The Iraqi government asked that it not be blamed as they bought the rope at a US Government Surplus auction and, according to Prime Minister Nouri El-Maliki "that is the last time we do that."

He continued, "I got that, some used roller blades and an old snow blower at Bush's Yard Sale and he told me they all worked. I bet the snow blower is a a piece of junk too " .

Caveat Emptor!

Death by Media.

Another Bush voter was sadly killed on Sunday in Sacramento. Although this one is so stupid, maybe she voted for Kerry.

Radio station KDND 107.9 ran a contest to see how much water a person could drink without making tinkle. Turns out that the correct answer is : "A little less than Jennifer Strange drank" as the 28 year old waterlogged moron died of "water intoxication" in her suburban Rancho Cordoba home. "

The contest winner would have won, are you ready, a Nintendo Wii video game system. Perhaps they should change that to a "Wii Wii system" as the backup of wii-wii caused her death.

FIRST PRIZE






SECOND PRIZE








Media has a , pardon the pun, "Strange" way of causing people to react. Since the TV hanging of Saddam Hussein, kids all over the world, after viewing it, are hanging themselves. In Texas, Turkey, Pakistan and Yemen, kids pretended to be Saddam and met the same fate by their own hand. They did this, in The MassPube's opinion, because TV blurs the line constantly between what's real and what isn't.

Remember that American soldier kidnapped in the early days of the war and the news followed it until she was rescued. One week later there was a TV movie about it. News becomes entertainment becomes news. Hence, the public, not nearly as intelligent as you or I, get a blurred picture. What's real. What isn't...who cares. At least I can tell the difference



On a football note, next week are the league championship games and it is my hope that the Burger King, who played so well in so many highlight films this year during the games, gets off injured reserve and plays for the Patriots.

Time for a commercial 'brake' on the NFL

I've decided I love the Mucinex decongestant commercials they've been running on the football games on TV the best. I love them because the star of the commercials is a talking lunger, a loogie.

My wife gets mad when I pick my nose and says it is filthy to do so ... ( My argument is that the finger and nose fit like the penis and the vagina and if God had meant for us not to pick our nose, he would either have made much smaller nostrils or much larger fingers. I mist admit this argument falls on deaf ears.)..... but my wife always laughed at the cartoon Mucinex character on TV until I informed her that it was your basic boogie doing the talking.

For some reason, ad agencies think people who watch football games are rough and tough like the players and we love to own trucks. Odd , I never ever see a freaking La-Z-Boy recliner advertised. Yep, beer and truck advertising...a really good mix unless you're in the tiny car right in front of the truck after the game.

If I see the "Rock em Sock em" Robots commercial one more time for ,I think, Toyota trucks, I swear never to buy a Toyota truck as long as I live. Fox seems to be running it at least three times per break and , while cute the first time, it's just boring these days. The original Japanese script called for "Lock em, Sock em Lobots" but they cancerred that idea.

Chevy is running the hell out of their commercials with John Mellenkamp's "This is our country" music. Maybe they're trying to sell the fact you're more American if you buy one, but I have a feeling most of the truck buyers they're targeting don't know the lyrics as they're concentrating too much attention to the images, not the words.

The former Cougar wrote a good song. Here's some of the lyrics and , might I add, "Fuck the Truck"

I can stand beside

Things I think are right

And I can stand beside

The idea of stand and fight

And I do believe

There’s a dream for everyone

This is our country......

There's room enough here

For science to live

And there's room enough here

For religion to forgive

And try to understand

The other people of this world

This is our country

From the east coast

To the west coast

Down the Dixie HighwayBack home

This is our country

That poverty could be

Just another ugly thing

And bigotry could be

Seen only as obscene

And the ones that run this land

Will help the poor and common man

This is our country

From the east coast

To the west coast

Down the Dixie HighwayBack home

This is our country

The dream will never leave

And some day it will come true

And it’s up to me and you

To do the best that we can do

And let the voice of freedom

Sing out through this land

This is our country

Thank you, Mr. Mellencamp. For an interesting take on this , go to "westofshockoe. blogspot.com" .

Sincerely, Jack and Diane

Animal Update

If you listened to yesterday's podcast "The Headless Pit Bull" (just click on it to the right to listen now.), there is some follow-up. The two kennel owning women have, in fact, been arrested for killing "Nitrous" the pitbull in Mashpee, Massachusetts. The evidence was , as Chief of Police Desi R Dozenhee stated, "The dog had a head when left off in their care and didn't have one a few days later". From the picture of one of the women in The Boston Globe today, my bet is she was going to use it for a head transplant as I am sure the former "Nitrous" was better looking than her.


Also check out a website called http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com. It's hysterical and , fyi, they do.

"Scammin' " in de name o' de Lawd

Here's an actual E mail I got yesterday from "work home tips.net", all verbatim, my responses in black:

" Tip: Do you buy things on credits?
YES, I DO'S

Dear The MassPube
Yep, unfortunately you take credits. (How did they knows?), have a credit card or a car on credit, maybe even your house is upon tick. (My home in England is in "Bullballs upon Tick". Wow, you guys did your homework!)

I live right next door to Frodo in "Bullballs upon Tick" . Here's my house.





Do you have your own property? That's it! How old are you? What have you achieved? You're credit's slave!(Must be why I do sings dem ol' Negro spirituals all de day long)

Sociologists revealed that when a person begins to take credits, then ha (I see nothing funny here) can't stop the process. He can't get out of this psychological dependence and dependence on bank's money.(and it bothers me so much, I have a second problem. I constantly forget the word "the")

As tobacco companies never say that smoking harms health (so they're lying on that warning label on every pack. Thanks. Those bastards!), so banks also keep American dream alive - life on credit.
But! You aren't a slave! You're person. ( I person, You Jane)

And we'll help you to get away from it.(You sound like the right guys to me) Just start to work at home. Don't give up your work at all, try make it a lil'bit. (Any relation to Lil' Abner?) When you'll get a taste for it you will be able to retire. But hide your incomes ( I wills, I promises) from bank (how did they know I only have one?), otherwise they won't let you go.

When there will be plenty of money, pay your debts and start to live like you wanna! ( I wanna? Isn't she Donald Trumps ex-wife) Well, are you ready to try?

Fill in your personal details (OK. I'm convinced you're on my sides..."George Bush, US President, Age 60...) and we'll search opps for you that will assist you to forget about banks, debts and slavery. (Long as you done clears it wif de mastuh cause...)


.... I don't need this aggravation.







Then I got this one and when I sent it to my buddies Terry and Tony in the UK, in one of the most astounding coincidences ever, they got the same E mail but they won the US lottery. What's the chance of that?
UK NATIONAL LOTTERYTICKET NO: 8603775966738
REF NO: UK/776090X2/23 BATCH NO: 013/06/8394369 UNITED KINGDOM.

WINNING NOTIFICATION:We happily announce to you the Draw (06/1096) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY, online UK National Lottery program held on 30th December,2006.Your e-mail address attached to Ticket Number:8603775966738 with Serial number 5368/02 drew the Winning Numbers:9,14,21,23,39,44,19 (bonus no.19),which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e match 5 plus 1 bonus.
You have therefore been approved to claim total sum of £ 1,500,000(One Million Five Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling ),payout in Us dollars;2,776,646.55 in cash You are to contact the claims department by e-mail.

Are these lottery people crazy? Do they think I'm stupid? I'm not getting involved in some lottery scam when I can works at home and be free from slavery.

Thank God Almighty, FREE AT LAST

Bush's "Plan 9 from Outer Space"

Bush did not add the 20,000 troops for Iraq. He added 21,500.

The idea to escalate was originally formulated from a highly clasified document called

Plan 9 from Outer Space ...

... as presented to him by his advisor Ed Wood who wrote the script for and directed the movie of the same name, considered by everyone to be the worst film ever made.

The reason the aliens in the movie want to implement Plan 9 is as follows:

Eros (played, by the way, by the incomparable Dudley Manlove) the alien leader, who has landed on Earth in his pie pan, I mean, flying saucer, tells the humans that his mission was to prevent Earth from developing the "solarbenite" bomb, a weapon of mass destruction as it is a bomb which has the effect of exploding sunlight molecules, by raising the dead for some reason. Eros explains that a solarbenite explosion would destroy everything the sunlight touches, causing a chain reaction that would eventually destroy the entire universe. He explains this with a picture of a gas can and a match. So he wants to blow up the Earth. Sound familiar yet??

Hearing this the "actors" then beat the crap out of poor Eros who just wanted to save the universe so, we assume, that Earth can develop the "solarbenite" , defeat the insurgents, commies , whoever...... probably kill ourselves in the process and ,I guess, take the whole universe with us.

In light of Bush's idea, Plan 9 is starting to sound pretty damn good.

Even John McCain said, "You're doin a heckua job, Eros".

I assume Bush still hopes the extra 21,500 troops will find the "weapons of mass destruction" we went in there for. Remember? It's easy to find a weapon of mass destruction. Give Bush a mirror!

But the good news is that when they're done looking for the WMD's , he's sending what's left of the 21,500 troops to Ireland to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow which he believes will end the deficit problem.

George W. Bush has been wrong about EVERYTHING with this war. EVERYTHING. Like Bob Woodward wrote , it's a "State of Denial" ...and when Bush heard that phrase he wanted to send troops to Egypt since that's the state of de Nile to him. He was talked out of it by clearer thinkers than he, shown below

Bush is the kind of guy who backs up over sharp tire treadles after he passes them , ripping his tires to shreds. That because he doesn't bother to look at the signs that read " Backing up could cause serious tire damage". Than he charges me, you and our kids for the damage. He's the kind of guy who thinks he can pull a turd back up his ass. He is a moron, albeit a dangerous one.

What a mess! I can only the repeat the words of soldier # 21,501, "Whew!"