Ugly Animal Update

1. Australian diver Eric Nerhus was half swallowed by a great white shark this week and said "a lead lined vest was all that saved him from being bitten in half" by the shark. He spent, he estimates, over two minutes in the shark's mouth.

Having once been half swallowed by a Great White shark, and after careful research, I believe that sharks must be allergic to the taste of shit emanating from any given human's diving pants almost immediately after being half swallowed.

I then held his jaws open by using a small placard on a stick, as taught to me by my diving instructor, shown below, and escaped! That's how I got away. Nerhus used a similar method and survived by poking the shark in the eye socket with an abalone chisel. Nerhus has severe cuts to the head and torso and really, really dark brown stains all over his buttocks which doctors say may never come off.

The shark went home and had to explain to his wife, who had sent him out to get dinner at "Whole Humans" because she didn't want to cook that night, exactly why his teeth were brown. His exact answer was "You wouldn't believe what happened to me today". In further humiliation, all the other sharks down at the bar mocked him and kept calling him "Wood Eye" all day. Even his best friends said, "An abalone chisel!!!! Yeah, right".

2. Other shark news.....
A rarely seen , let alone captured, Frilled shark died in a Japanese marine park after a few days in captivity.


So help me, that's a picture of one above and left and it was not taken in The Black Lagoon!

Normally these sharks live at a depth of 2,000 feet. They said it appeared to be quite sick out of his element. The MassPube believes that the frilled shark had never seen himself in the mirror before.... and a first glance of what he actually looks like in the pool mirror killed him. It was akin to my friend Meckler looking in a mirror as he turns 60 this weekend. Meckler too, became quite ill at the sight, but survived the shock with solid veterinary care and bed rest. The Frilled shark didn't.

3. In the "People who look like Horse's category",


Senator John Kerry said he was not going to run for President this time around. He and virtually every Republican in America started to cry as he made the announcement. He hopes to focus his attention fully on being a Senator which, I believe, is what he's actually being paid to do.