Ugly Animal Update

1. Australian diver Eric Nerhus was half swallowed by a great white shark this week and said "a lead lined vest was all that saved him from being bitten in half" by the shark. He spent, he estimates, over two minutes in the shark's mouth.

Having once been half swallowed by a Great White shark, and after careful research, I believe that sharks must be allergic to the taste of shit emanating from any given human's diving pants almost immediately after being half swallowed.

I then held his jaws open by using a small placard on a stick, as taught to me by my diving instructor, shown below, and escaped! That's how I got away. Nerhus used a similar method and survived by poking the shark in the eye socket with an abalone chisel. Nerhus has severe cuts to the head and torso and really, really dark brown stains all over his buttocks which doctors say may never come off.

The shark went home and had to explain to his wife, who had sent him out to get dinner at "Whole Humans" because she didn't want to cook that night, exactly why his teeth were brown. His exact answer was "You wouldn't believe what happened to me today". In further humiliation, all the other sharks down at the bar mocked him and kept calling him "Wood Eye" all day. Even his best friends said, "An abalone chisel!!!! Yeah, right".

2. Other shark news.....
A rarely seen , let alone captured, Frilled shark died in a Japanese marine park after a few days in captivity.


So help me, that's a picture of one above and left and it was not taken in The Black Lagoon!

Normally these sharks live at a depth of 2,000 feet. They said it appeared to be quite sick out of his element. The MassPube believes that the frilled shark had never seen himself in the mirror before.... and a first glance of what he actually looks like in the pool mirror killed him. It was akin to my friend Meckler looking in a mirror as he turns 60 this weekend. Meckler too, became quite ill at the sight, but survived the shock with solid veterinary care and bed rest. The Frilled shark didn't.

3. In the "People who look like Horse's category",


Senator John Kerry said he was not going to run for President this time around. He and virtually every Republican in America started to cry as he made the announcement. He hopes to focus his attention fully on being a Senator which, I believe, is what he's actually being paid to do.

True Justice in Mississippi

The other day I wrote about the media hype concerning the two African American Super Bowl head coaches. Just overblown, racially pandering media hype, making something out of nothing over the fact that that two qualified men are facing off. but today's story is a really big deal indeed. because it's real life, not football!

James Ford Seale, a 71 year old Missippi white bastard AND former Ku Klux Klansman, was just arrested for his role in the murder and torture of two young Black men in his home state in 1964. The men were beaten with tree branches , weighted down and drowned alive....43 years ago!




At the time , the local sheriff said it was the worst case of suicide he 'done ever saw'.




Turns out Seale was living the whole time just seven miles down the road from where the kidnapping and murder took place. His family, lovely people I'm sure, said he was dead.

He was only found after the Feds re-opened the case in 2000 at the urging of the victim's brother, Thomas Moore, as well as a documentary film maker named David Ridgen and they're the ones who found him...recently!

2007 minus 2000...that's seven years. Quite the FBI we've got , huh! Hmmm, let's see... they missed the flight school memo in 2000 saying that Arab students are enrolled in flight schools, but only want to learn how to take off, not land..... and now this.

Where's Efrem Zimbalist Jr. when we need him?

Inspector Erskine, star of the old TV show THE FBI would have found him in less than an hour guaranteed !

Current FBI associate director of PR, Jordan Rivera said, "Don't blame us . We searched everywhere in a 6.99 mile radius of the crime".

But, from lemons, make lemonades, I always say!

SO HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.....Mr. Seale was escorted in shackles into the Jackson , MS federal courthouse yesterday by two African American federal marshalls and stood in front of an African American female judge. Welcome to Mississippi , circa 2007, you son of a bitch!

I understand he was very polite to her too. Hopefully his new room mate will be a 6'8" lifer named Bubba who likes fresh meat...and I mean that with all compliments to Bubba. Its a great way for Mr. Seale to enjoy whats left of his golden years, as far as I'm concerned.

Welcome also to the real world!

By the time I get to Phoenix, I'll be rising

In Yavapai county, Arizona (somewhere near Phoenix), a 29 year old convicted sex offender actually posed as a student in at least two middle schools.

His elderly homosexual goombah,Lonnie Stiffler (ahem), registered him saying he was the "student's" grandpoppy. Pop Pop is now under arrest too

Neil Havens Rodreick II came from Oklahoma to Arizona and posed as a 12 year old and is now charged with misdemeanor assault, conspiracy to commit fraud, conspiracy to commit forgery, failing to register as a sex offender (I'm personally shocked) and posession of a forgery device.

Administrators at Imagine Charter School at Rosefield (a school for Kindergarten through 8th grade) kicked him out for , so help me, poor attendance. However, administrators at the school did note, "...he was quiet ...had no discipline issue... turned in his homework on time...was never sent to the principal's office...and kept to himself".

He got caught when administrators at another charter school called "Mingus Springs" realized his birth certificate might be fake after he spent a day there. What must have tipped them off was the large black line through 1978 and the scribbled " I like mean 1995" next to it.

Could I make this shit up?

Administrators at The Imagine School sent a note home to parents after all this was revealed; a note which said that
1."locks have been added to security gates"
2. that they're " forming a task force to evaluate parents suggestions on school safety" and
3. that the administrators and teachers will have brains and eyes installed on their persons immediately.

A task force? Yeah, that should work! The locks should work too since the dude didn't exactly break into the place.

It seems to me their first hint should have been that he turned in his homework on time. After that, perhaps they might have noticed his beard and the facts that he asked for a parking space and a day off to vote.

Jake The MassPube interviewed one of the two principals.

Principal Desiree Storm (left) explained it this way, "like man, how was I supposed to like know ,like okay, that like he wasn't just twelve. We just thought he like knew history, okay, because he like knew that there were presidents before Clinton".

Ms. Storm, age 14, (iputout @ myspace.com) continued, "Now I have to get another date to the Spring dance".

ABC has announced that their hit show, To Catch a Predator" will set up in the school's lunchroom for the next episode. To keep the lunchroom noise down while filming , they're only inviting the kids who are quiet, turn their homework in on time and have never been sent to the principal's office!

White Guys meanly left out of coaching in Super Bowl: Read all about it!

A sports hot line I usually don't look at on the web stated today that, for the first time, an African American will coach the losing team in the Super Bowl and this will prove how inferior Black men are!

It was on The Ku Klux Klan blog. It's called The Ku Klux Klog.

At The Blogger's Convention, everyone noted that when they take off their masks, their heads were pointed too .

But I'm happy to report that MassPube Sports Research thinks otherwise and our prediction is ..... that an African American coach will win The Super Bowl, possibly this year.

Which begs the question, have we all gone nuts?

Yeah, I'm white but ain't that the point? Who cares what color the coaches are? Who would even think about it unless we're told to think about it? The mainstream media has leaped on the story of the two African American head coaches like the obese might spring at a cruise ship midnight dessert buffet.

Come on....I'm talking about Tony Dungy of The Colts and Lovey Smith of The Bears . They aren't heading to the game because they're Black men. They're heading toward the Super Bowl because, quite simply, they're great, established, well liked, well respected coaches. Nobody cared that they were African American men all season long and I find it hard to believe anybody cares now.
Welcome to equality, where you're measured on performance and not the color of your skin! It was the goal. It's here! I couldn't care less. Am I a bigot? I'd rather celebrate equality than coincidence any day!

But its a story that has picked up steam in the mainstream media, the same way it was a big deal when , a few years ago, The Oscars for acting went to Halle Berry and Denzel Washington. The media made a big deal about that too. Why? They simply won because they deserved to win . Why did they deserve to win?.... Because they have talent up the kazoo and screenwriters wrote great roles for them.

This year my bet is on Forest Whitaker as Best Actor and Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson as Best supporting actors in Dreamgirls. So? They're good actors, they deserve to win!(Little does Hollywood know that Mr . Whitaker was only offered the role of Idi Amin in "The Last King of Scotland" after Sascha Baron Cohen turned it down) .

I guess, however, that this is somehow special to African Americans. I can commiserate by remembering how proud I was when two white coaches faced off against each other for the first time in the Super Bowl. That was , lemme see, oh yeah, Super Bowl 1. The good news is that it started a trend and we'll see if this year's bowl starts a new one.

This is not the first time, by the way, that two African American head coaches played for a professional championship. Way back in 1975 Al Attles coached his San Francisco Warriors to an NBA title over K.C. Jones' Washington Bullets. That was 28 years ago and I think the long way we've come is proven by the fact that, in reality, this time around nobody cares. Do you hear me.....NOBODY CARES!

That's good news.....NOBODY CARES!

Come Super Sunday, ain't nobody Black in Chicago gonna be happy for Tony Dungy if his team wins and vice versa. Believe me and you can bet your pan pizza on that one !

Harry Flashman, President Bush and The State of the Union

Tonight is President Bush's "State of the Union " address. He'll walk into the House chamber like a male puppy wagging its tail when you take him to the vet to be neutered, with a big grin on his face as though he's not going to have his nuts cut off. And the joint Congress will welcome him basically as Rosa Parks' bus driver did in 1954, I hope.

Told by Tony Snow that he was supposed to report on the 'state' of things in his policies, the prez responded that he thought his insurance was up to date. Mr. Snow then smacked him on the head with the heaviest object he could find, a looseleaf book of anti- Bush editorials over the last two days, knocked him cold and then had a speechwriter re-write the speech.

When he awakens though, there may a glimmer of hope for us all regarding Iraq and Afghanistan, because , according to Maureen Dowd in Saturday's New York Times, Bush's newest reading list (now that he's finished My Pet Goat) amazingly includes several books starring my favorite fictional character of all time...

.......... The philandering, cowardly scoundrel and most decorated soldier, ahem, in the history of England, the one, the only Harry Flashman, anti-hero of the series of ten novels written by the great George McDonald Fraser.

I only wish Bush had read them before he sent our soldiers to both places. Besides great writing that puts a smile on your face every page in every book, Fraser's history is footnoted and dead-on accurate. Handsome Sir Harry recognizes early on the folly and bullshit of every war as they're started for God-knows-what idiotic reasons by self serving politico's .... and "Old Flashy" will be damned before he willingly gets his ass killed for no reason at all.

The folly of fighting in Afghanistan is in the first novel "Flashman" where he's pretty much the only one to survive, out of thousands of British soldiers, in Great Britain's infamous disaster in that bloody country in the 1800's. He survives mostly by

1.cowering

2. hiding under the bodies of those protecting him as they fall ,and

3. gallantly picking up a gun to kill himself rather than be tortured and ,of course, not even knowing how to use it, accidentally kills the rebel leader as the reinforcements came over the hill. To coin a phrase, Mission accomplished!

But, at least, Flashy knows he's a coward. Bush pretends he isn't. Dodging wartime service, him and his 5 deferment VP quite happily have sent our troops into their own "Charge of The Light Brigade" without understanding long term implications. He's a guy who wears a flight suit while walking under a banner that says "Mission Accomplished" when the only thing he accomplished was not throwing up in the cockpit of the jet that brought him there.

I hope that instead of sitting quietly, Congress gives him 'what for' tonight. The self deluded baboon speaks at 8pm EST tonight. Even Flashy, the world's greatest ass kisser, would vomit if he had to pretend it was meaningful!

Political Asshole News

Former Democratic Florida Senator George Smathers died Saturday at age 93. Normally one would say, "Besides Mrs. Smathers, who gives a shit?" BUT Smathers was the one who taught Nixon's disgraced VP, Spiro T. Agnew how to "get it on" spouting fancy 'lies' to idiots.

In his first race in 1950 vs. incumbent Claude Pepper, Smathers went out to low intellect residents ( i.e., all of them) in Flori-DUH with this speech...and ,so help me , it's true as recorded by a small magazine back then, "Did you know that Claude Pepper is known around Washington as a shameless extrovert....he is known to practice nepotism with his sister in law and he has a sister who was once a thespian in wicked New York City. Worst of all, before his marraige, he practiced celibacy." Selected areas of low IQ residents of Florida shown below.
He wound up serving three terms in the Senate. During his time in office he opposed all sorts of civil rights legislation mostly because the Black people in the state were the only ones who knew the definitions of "extrovert,nepotism, thespian and celibacy" and he didn't want them to vote.

Agnew simply ran with the idea twenty years later to other low IQ areas of the country including...


In other big political news this past weekend, HILLARY CLINTON announced she's in the race. The MassPube warns you to be wary of her as rumor has it that she once was a practicing thespian in wicked New York City.

She wasn't the only one to leap into the fray this past weekend. Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas is now in the race. His fellow Republican, George Allen (ex-Senator from Virginia) simply said "Brownback, eh. So another macaca is in the race besides Obama".

Brownback stated that he advocated " an end to cancer deaths in 10 years and a prominent role for God". Whoa, he's really taking a stand there. He's also against "shitting in public, blowing up tall American buildings and crabgrass on your lawn!

God (shown above), when asked what role He'd like to play in a future Brownback administration said, " Me Damnit! He said WHAT? The answer is none. Brownback is an asshole and take my word for it cause I'm God".

Are you ready for some....snacking.. football, Jane Eyre?

There's a great old episode of The Honeymooners where Ralph and Ed buy a TV together and keep it in Ralph's apartment. Ralph comes home with tons of snacks one night and lays it out on the table next to him, getting it ready so he can watch a movie., carefully putting it all within arm's reach. When he goes into the bedroom to change into his robe,in sneaks Norton complete with goofy space helmet all set to watch "Captain Video" and the argument ensues for the rest of the show. Its a hysterical episode.

Well, they aren't the only ones to get ready for a day and night of watching TV.

Me, I'm getting ready for some football as the NFC championship game starts at 3 pm with The Bears vs. The Saints and at 6:30, my big game begins , the hometown Patriots vs. the always tough and amazingly good (a team that is overdue for the Super Bowl), Indianapolis Colts under the leadership of Peyton Manning.

FYI, The Boston Globe picks The Bears 23-17 and they also picked , unbelievably , The Colts winning by the same score over the hometown team.

So today to get ready for an afternoon and evening of great football I went to the warehouse store in ultra -liberal Cambridge, Massachusetts for my snacks and the place was mobbed. Everybody was buying snacks, ,but amazingly not for the game .


See, tonight PBS starts their new series "Jane Eyre", at 9pm no less, during the last quarter of the game and virutally everyone at the store was wearing Jane Eyre jerseys with Jane Eyre caps, buying Jane Eyre chairs to sit in and telling their wives, "Honey, don't get chips. Get something healthy. How about just some cut -up raw vegetables, brie cheese and some duck pate' for water crackers."

Good old Cambridge. Jane Eyre jerseys had quickly sold out. Jane Eyre baseball caps were being scalped outside the store. One lean,well muscled fellow in Bierkenstock sandals said, "I even bought a new treadmill with headsets for the first episode. I'll exercise the whole time it's on. I lost 18 pounds during Bleak House alone."

Several people told me they were attending Jane Eyre parties tonight.PBS will be following up with an hourlong discussion.

A Professor Phillips of The Harvard School of the Arts commented, "They put the hourlong discussion on to cahhllm us down ahfter the show. Lahhst yeah we hit the streets right ahfter Bleak House's premiere at 10pm to celebrate at "The Teahouse" in Hahhrvahhd Square and the police could not control our wild gittiness as the crowd got biggah and biggah. One ahficeh actually raised his voice ahsking us to fohhrm a single line with which we complied immediately."

According to Crowd Control Magazine, this happens everywhere across the country after the premiere of every PBS series and as Hy N. DeMitey, chief of police in Indianapolis, dressed in full riot gear, said, "The PBS' ers are nuts and we're not going to let things get out of control after the show like the last time!"


There was just a news report that Bostonians dressed as Indians are dumping all copies of The Boston Globe into the harbor for their act of treason.

Must be because of their bad review of Jane Eyre on Friday!