Too Much Pomp, Not Enough Circumstance or

Marilee, we roll along......
Next time those in higher education look askance at you while their noses point straight up into the air as they interview your kid for college,

........remind yourself of one Marilee Jones, the Director of Admissions ,no, not at Schlepville State College in Elk Vomit, Idaho, but at MIT, no less, who, after being with MIT for 28 years , resigned on Thursday because it turns out she fabricated all her credentials......

or as we commoners like to put it, "She freakin' lied on her freakin' resume!"

Considered the "MOST CELEBRATED AND OUTSPOKEN ADMISSIONS DEAN IN AMERICA", so says The Boston Globe, it turns out that when she said she had degrees from
1. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute 2. Union College and 3. Albany Medical College...she really meant to check the "NO" box, but dang if she didn't check "YES.

Amazingly, the administrative assistant job she originally applied for 28 years ago did not have a college degree requirement, but , what the fuck, lah dee dah, she lied anyway...and since she did so well and they promoted her so often, they never checked her resume against,.... oh what do you call that damn thing....oh yeah...that's right......the truth!
They say that the truth shall set you free. That must be correct! She's free of her job.

Well, MIT, this just goes to show you the value of a really good education, the kind that your students are paying ,what, $60,000.00 a year for. Your beloved Dean of Admissions never even went to school ...and 28 years ago, did anyone think to ask her at the interview, "Why would somebody with degrees from Rensselaer, Union and Albany Medical College be applying for a job as an administrative assistant which requires no degree?'

Hmm, look who's President...and he has a degree from Yale. A Yale degree gives us the dumbest thing since toenails failed to evolve while NO degree at all gets to be Dean of Admissions at MIT, one of the great schools anywhere!

Hmmm......What's the tuition at Schlepville State anyway. Come to think of it...why bother?

Potentially habitable planet found By SETH BORENSTEIN, AP Science Writer Wed Apr 25, 4:35 PM ET WASHINGTON - For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe." The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away.

EARTHLINGS FIND US......LETS BUILD A FENCE says President Ajwqkr of the Planet Nephron since finding out that we found them. "When we find out who left the lights on, they're in big trouble", Ajwqkr continued as he worried about the impact of Earth people even knowing they exist, something they've been trying to avoid happening for the last 20 billion years.

In his message to Earth, the President said he wants to make sure that Earth knows,:

1. We do not have weapons of mass destruction, except for our death rays which we'll be happy to use on you if you come closer than 119.9 trillion miles.



2. We have immigration rules which we enforce. If you'd like to be deported to asteroid 119367483 if we catch you here, that can be arranged. That ain't a potato. You'll call it home!

3. We do not have plastic bags littering the landscape since we only go to the grocery store once every 4 billion years.

4. We believe in science and when the scientists say the planet is in trouble , we believe them. We don't believe in a supreme being telling you to you to come here. We have a term for that here, "bullshit". Check yourself into a mental hospital if you hear differently

5. You're basically a bunch of fucking idiots. Please stay away. The only radio signal we've heard from your planet is something called Rush Limbaugh

and if that's what you loons listen to, we'll be happy to send you a death ray to use on yourselves.

6. We're hermaphroditic which means we fuck ourselves, thank you very much, and we like it......and we hardly need you fucking us up further.

SO DO US AND YOURSELVES A BIG FAVOR..............................

A New England Jew in King George's court

I spent the last four days in Texas visiting family in Tyler.

I ate true barbecue and it was fabulous at the Bodacious Barbecue. They give you a lot of food. The "junior" appetizer is pictured to the right! I also ate the flag. The dinner was still moo'ing as I ingested it.




I ate a great greasy spoon old style burger at Jucy's in Tyler, a real hamburger joint. I love Jucy. Not a chain, they even have a pot full of FREE spiced pinto beans overflowing as they cook your burger with a side of double fried french fries. I went for my second helping of beans before I got my burger... and was stopped by an EPA agent.

He was rewarded by President Bush "fer doin' a heckua job" ..... and thanked by my wife.

I learned that the health curriculum in the schools is something called "Virginity Rules". Any textbook with a mention of sexual organs, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted diseases or semi accurate sexual diagrams is verboten by the textbook police who, once they finish in Tyler, are moving on to protest teaching spawing to young salmon . Virginity Rules offers advice and activities to remain celibate ........!

It offers nothing new! The Virginity Rules activities include a hand, a wrist, a dick, and 16 year old cheerleader, Suzy May Belfus, walking by you , winking and sayin', "How y'all doin?". I can't speak for everybody, but it sure worked for me on Monday. Just ask the Tyler police!

A woman I met from Jackson Missisippi once said to me , "Southern girls. We're the only ones who can screw all night and wake up virgins". See, virginity does rule!

Lost in Translation

AFTER THIS POST, I WON'T BE BACK ON UNTIL WEDNESDAY 4/25. ENJOY THIS AND CHECK BACK THEN................................

Part 1 of 3.........
GONZALES "VOWS TO STAY" says BOSTON GLOBE HEADLINE.

Jake the MassPube translates this to "I'd resign today but my confirmation has not yet come through from Travelocity regarding my post-resignation trip. Hence I'll be resigning next week, just as soon as I get seat assignments, and my letter will say how my staying on would only continue to be a drain on the important work of the US Justice Department. I am expecting The Medal of Freedom from President Bush sometime in August".

Part 2 of 3
REID SAYS "WAR IS LOST", DRAWING GOP REBUKE!
"Republicans pounced on the comment as evidence that Democrats do NOT support the troops"

Jake the MassPube explains the rebuke : This is an astounding leap of logic such as this fictional question: "Do you walk to school or carry your lunch? Aha, obviously you don't support the troops".

This 'rebuke' proves that the Republicans will say and do anything to hang on, to the point (if they had had the chance) of changing into a dress to get on a Titanic lifeboat, making it to the Carpathia and saying "See, I won. I kicked the old lady off the boat because I felt she didn't support the troops".

Considering that we "lost" the war in Vietnam, this country, which cost us 50,000 lives, is now a gentle, non-aggressive country where there are tons of American products ..... and a place where Americans can visit and have a great vacation.

After we win in Iraq, should you visit there for a weekend getaway, Jake says "Bring an extra bag" since you'll probably be bringing your head back as "carry-on" on the return trip.

Part 3 of 3......

Even Jake had trouble translating this Reuters article about a trial in China: " China jailed an Uighur-Canadian for life for separatism and terrorism....The court in Urumqi ...convicted Huseyin Celil,37, of terrorist activities......Celil, whose first name can also be spelled Huseyincan, was the second ethnic Uighur activist jailed in China this week".

Jake had no idea what an Uighar is, let alone an "Uighur-Canadian" ! Uighur ,fyi, is an area in northwest China
Jake thanks Reuters for giving me the other spelling of "Huseyin".
Jakes thanks Reuters for keeping me appraised of the activities of Uighur-Canadians in China which is a topic I usually use to pick up women in bars...which goes a long way to explaining why I haven't gotten laid in two years.


SEE YA WEDNESDAY

First Warning Sign...when this becomes your kids home page

Believe it or not, this freaking nutcase is now a "hero" to some people. That's the good news!

The bad news is that all of them are nuts too. Yesterday in Huntersville, NC, a high school kid pointed a handgun at two other students in a school parking lot at North Mecklenburg High School. He didn't fire and ,by the end of the day, killed himself. As the rock group Chicago once sang, "Only the beginning".

Cho said in his "manifesto" to NBC News that "you forced me into a corner". Unfortunately he was in a round room at the time.

He was able to get his his guns because he simply lied on the Virginia buyers form. When asked if he was mentally stable, he checked off the box that said, "Yes, you mother fucker, I am fucking sane. I'm like Jesus. Believe me or I'll fucking eat your eyeballs" and by checking 'yes', he got his gun and the gun shop owner remained sighted.

Perhaps a stronger check might be in order. When I was kid, a security officer at my Dad's business applied for a gun permit in Philadelphia where we lived. Two detectives actually came to our house and had my old man sign an affidavit about the guy.

Today you can get a handgun if you can work the crane machine at the arcade properly. They're in the bin right next to the stuffed rabbits. "Go for the Glock, honey, I only have one quarter left".

I'll tell you, with all the nuts able to get guns, its not so far fetched that sane people ought to be well armed too. Of course, I'd probably shoot off my toe first time around, but I have nine more. Because maybe, just maybe, when Looney Tunes stopped to reload at Virginia Tech, somebody could have blown his balls off. Remember, I'm talking sane people here....like me!

GOOD NEWS ABOUT TAXES

The IRS , in their never ending search for truth, justice and the American pay, has said that anyone having troubles from the lingering Nor'easter due to flooding has two days extra to file their taxes. To get the two day extension, all one has to do is write "April Nor'easter" in big letters at the top of the form and the always understanding IRS will let it go without a penalty. "This is as opposed to the usual note of "F _ _ k you", says the IRS.

Two whole days, wow! I spoke to a Mrs. Vilma Fingerdoo, 84 years old, who lives on the first floor in the building to the left as she was planning to dive in to retrieve her tax return in time to avoid a penalty as the waters aren't expected to recede until 3 days after the filing date.

She dove into freezing water in her bathing suit and never made it out. The IRS plans to sue her heirs.

I then spoke to IRS (Internal Revenue Scuba) agent Mike Nelson who said, "Nor'easter, my ass! Some of these cheats 'll do anything to get an extension. That's why I'm here. Just cause their house is underwater is no excuse! I was in the Lippman household in Hampton, New Hampshire for three hours underwater just looking for a Staples receipt they were using to illegally claim "paper clips" as office supplies. Couldn't find it either even though I went with my receipt sniffing dog, Ahab. Yeah, sure, they bought paper clips, my ass!"

"Your tax dollars at work.....Ahab and Mike in training for underwater receipt sniffing at Internal Revenue Scuba training academy in Pocatello, Idaho"!




Mike and Ahab head to Saco, Maine today to retrieve returns for other tax cheats attempting to file late using minor flooding as an excuse!

Bad Day at Blacksburg

The guy who won yesterday's Boston Marathon was Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya. When he gets back home, his country will give him its highest award. He'll be known as a "Grand Kenyan".


That's the best I can do today. Ha Ha ! Yesterday sucked and it's hard to be funny today.It was a miserable day wherein 33 people got killed by some freaking nutcase at Virginia Tech, dead but still unidentified, who was screaming something about his girlfriend. And now we can begin a) the healing and b)the wait for a copycat crime somewhere else.
My son, who's studying in France this semester, has a best friend over there who goes to Virginia Tech. He's pretty shaken up as he gets the news from his buddy who was text messaged all day from friends on campus in Blacksburg and the news he was getting seemed to be accurate. It wasn't good. Even at a great distance, it affects me and my family. Six degrees of separation , so to speak.

Basically we've just learned what its like to go shopping in Baghdad. How do you stop one nut who is willing to die. So I'm not in a funny mood.

How the E-Z Pass was invented! The Story of Israel Bissell.

What a miserable Monday morning here in Boston with heavy rains, a bit of flooding, grey skies and high winds as The Nor'easter stays with us through today, the day of The Boston Marathon, which will still run its 26 mile course. I'm debating whether to drive anywhere today and there's 10,000 folks getting ready to run...go figure! It's a week to celebrate endurance!

It was April 19th, 1776 when Paul Revere made his famous ride warning the populace that "The Yiddish are Coming", for the first 3 miles until somebody corrected him.

While Paulie was finishing that, an unsung hero (and this is true) was just getting started. His name was Israel Bissell and Izzy left the same day, after picking the short straw, I guess, from the western edge of Boston (Watertown, MA) for a 345 mile journey by horse to Philadelphia to warn all the towns along the way that the war had started.

He made it too. On the first leg... to Worcester (which, fyi, is pronounced "wuhsteh", not "war-chester").... he rode so hard that his horse dropped dead under him upon arrival ....two hours after he left . Besides the horse dying, the bad news is that 231 years later it takes about the same amount of time to get from Watertown to Worcester by car.

Bissell rode all through Connecticut and got to New York City at 4pm on April 23rd after leaving the 19th. This is approximately the same amount of time it takes a modern US Air passenger to make the same journey. He then rode 24 hours to Philadelphia, normally a six hour ride, but he took the Garden State Parkway , even though his wife had warned him, "Izzy, don't take the Parkway", but ,of course, he didn't listen......and he had no quarters on him.

Because.....He had carried with him a pass for the tolls, given to him by Mr. Revere himself, called an "IZZY Pass" but of course, it didn't work. No tollkeeper would give him a free run through the tolls and then , adding insult to injury, no New Jersey-ite would change a dollar for him. One storekeeper said he'd give him change if he bought gum, but gum wouldn't be invented for 100 years. He couldn't wait so he wound up having to take side roads and it took him 24 hours to get to Philly where 8,000 people greeted him and asked, "What took you so long?"

That was it. He did his job and was forgotten by history mostly because Longfellow couldn't think of anything cool that rhymed with Bissell..."thistle, whistle, nissell" ...or Israel ...." bail, tale, quail':"Listen my children and I'll you a tale,of a hard riding rider named Bissell, Israel."

So remember Izzy...inventor of the IZZY pass, as we celebrate endurance. He died at age 71 in 1823!

The Ho shootin' match!

Last year, basketball legend, Red Auerbach of Boston Celtics fame died on the night we turned the clocks an 'hour back'. Don't believe me. Check it out!






THIS JUST IN......

Does anyone else find it odd that Don Ho,the famous Hawaiian singer, died yesterday , during the same week Don Imus got fired for saying "'ho".

Boy, when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton say "no mo ho" on the airwaves, they don't kid around , do they ?

World Without Nifong, Amen

It was a racially charged week.

Of course, we had Imus. I liked Imus' show, but ,man some things are just a tidge over the top, like Hitler invading Poland. Time to go and frankly, he should have taken himself off the air. Those Rutgers players and coaches were beautifully eloquent and non-vindictive as they were called to the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.

But now we leave the Northeast and head south
to North Carolina and the Duke Lacrosse rape case.....all the charges have been dropped. Its a place where Mike Nifong aka future prisoner 374859-463829 of the North Carolina prison system, former DA of Durham and an asshole (hopefully well lubricated), suppressed the fact that there was no evidence, doing that for political gain amongst African Americans.

Am I rushing to judgement? Oh, so sorry....he hasn't had his due process yet and I'm sure he'll be screaming about that! Perhaps Reverends Sharpton and Jackson will be marching in his defense soon.

Let's see......A real 'ho pretends she was raped a year ago and Nifong jumps on it like a hungry python on a rat,

coincidentally when polls show he's losing a re-election bid. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton then jump on it like buzzards to a carcass, organizing marches and calling the boys bigots etc. Eighty -eight nutball Duke professors immediately signed a public letter condemning the kids with no facts at all behind them. Duke tossed the kids....over nothing, fired the Lacrosse coach and cancelled the season.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees later, no evidence. And there never was any. But I haven't heard the Reverends Al " Tawana Brawley" Sharpton and Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson apologise at all for denying the kids due process before they leapt to judgement ......have you? I'm all ears.
If I were Nifong, Duke, Durham County, the DNA Lab suppression team, or one of the eighty-eight professors, I'd be hiding assets (which by the way are not 'young female donkeys'). The Lacrosse players lawyers,fyi, are pictured to the left.

Bend over, Mike. You literally should be hiding your 'asset' right after you meet, for the second time, Bubba, whom you sent to jail for 'assault with a blunt weapon". Ouch! Remember!

So YOU want to be a Czar

According to Reuters, The Washington Post reported today that Alfred E. President is trying to hire a "Czar" to run the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Why not? He already has a personal choice of two Rasputins, one of which, as the picture below clearly shows, acts as a second head for Fearless Leader.
Gregori Rasputin was the insane monk who controlled Czarina Alexandra,who was married to the last of the Romanov's, Czar Nicholas II. Rasputin was a madman and the Czar was pussy whipped. Bad combination and it didn't work out well for either of them.

Nicholas was killed by Bolsheviks after the nobles killed Rasputin, just before the Bolsheviks killed them. The nobles shot Rasputin, stabbed him and threw the still-living nutcase into the freezing Volga River. He was still screaming when he floated away. I assume, since its been 90 years since they did this.....he's finally dead.

But check the photos above , just in case there is re-incarnation. Any resemblence between him and Karl Rove is purely coincidental, we are assured.

Rasputin, btw, is far less scary looking than the two current choices for "Official Mad Monk". He looks like he plays bass in a grunge band in Seattle.


The White House, in it's never ending search to find others to blame, has asked three Generals if they want the job of "Czar". They've all turned it down. MassPube Investigative Reporting reports that a Corporal Agarn of "F Troop" is now being considered as The White House keeps going down through the ranks. His first question concerning the enemy was ,"Where the Heck-Ow-Wee?" Bush announced that Agarn did a "heckuva" job during the interview.

The three Generals decided on easier jobs. One of the Generals is now delivering Vaseline at Sing Sing. Another is a cat herder on Brokeback Mountain and the third decided to become Chief Rabbi of Islamabad.

Why is it always a "Czar"? The "Czars" were a bunch of assholes. The last one was killed by his own people. But if we're going that way, perhaps a better way to find the right person is with a reality TV show...."So you want to be a Czar".

"Czar????" ,said the winner, Miss Brandy Seymour of Iowa City, an 18 year old part time community college student who portrayed Juliet in her high school play, "Like really, like I thought they said 'star!"

Taxi ! Here's George Jetson........

The United States is hailing the Russian space taxi starting in 2010, which, by the way, is only 3 years away.

We're going to pay Russia $719 million bucks to ride in Russian capsules and rockets as we shuttle our astronauts to the International Space Station because we'll be in-between fleets as we're retiring the old shuttles and moving to a new fleet of Orion vehicles. Remember the Orions are being built in America, the same country that gave us bad tiles and O rings on the old shuttles, the levees of New Orleans, and the current crop of easy-to explode Humvee's in Iraq.
(To digress a moment, isn't it amazing that all the auto ads talk about how safe your car is for suburban driving to soccer games, but we can't equip a Humvee well enough to protect our soldiers from roadside bombs)

This Russian taxi idea beats the first idea ( an idea first put forth by noted space scientist, Ronald Dumsfeld) of standing with a sign and a bag of diapers on old satellites circling the earth with our thumb out waiting for passers-by to help out.
Russians are wary of hitch-hikers anyway ever since we started exporting our horror movies there, especially the women:
Boris: He looks worry friendly. Lets pick him up.
Natasha: Babushka, are you crazy. I think he has an ax.
Boris: Dats not an ax. Its a case of Bud Light.
And when they arrived a day later, there was a bloody hook hanging from their space capsule.


Of course, like all Russian cabbies, they'll make our guys and gals sit in the back seat and be miserable the whole way. The conversation might be:
Our guy: So what part of Russia are you from?
The driver: You never heard of it! Shh, I havt to concentrate.Vhere vere you goink again?
Our guy: I might have heard of it. Try me.
The driver: Taratitsoff.
Our guy: Is that near Moscow.
The driver: Why don't you shut the fuck up and let me drive!

I remember the glory days of the old space race when the headlines read "Russia Launches Artificial Moon" and nobody knew what in hell that was , but we knew we were in trouble because a 4 lb. sphere was making a beeping noise from space. President Eisenhower was really worried.

Eisenhower and then Kennedy put all our scientific know-how into our space race. Science became king. Now under the anti -science current leader of the free world, Alfred E. President, we're reduced to flagging down the Russians to hitch with them.

When we build the Orion, before it leaves the showroom, I'm sure we'll have to set up financing. The Bush's are excited because The Bank of Saudi Arabia is offering 1.5% through November 2010. Lets hope we finish in time.

Open mouth....Insert foot.. MITT and IMUS

Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I" Romney is an idiot..... Last week in New Hampshire, the former governor of liberal Massachusetts , a state he mocks continually when campaigning, said that he was a lifelong hunter in answer to a question form a guy wearing an NRA hat. The man who will say anything to get elected was later found out to be FULL OF CRAP.

That's not him above. That's a real hunter. It could have been Mitt, but he really wants the 'deer' vote. Turns out the Mitt-ster has only been "hunting" twice, both times without a license. Once for rabbits when he was 15 (45 years ago)and a second time when he "hunted" quail inside a hunting preserve during a Republican Governors Conference. Admittedly this can be dangerous for Republicans...just ask Dick Cheney's hunting pals.

It should be noted that ,based on his long love of hunting, Romney suddenly joined the NRA last summer, just before he announced for President.

In answer to a question about why he joined the NRA, asked by Rabbi Schmuel Ginzborg, Romney answered, "No, it has nothing to do with rifles.The National Rabbinical Association is the right organization for me. Years ago, I shunned a Jew in Salt Lake City and being Jewish has been a lifelong passion of mine. In fact as a businessman, I asked my fellow Rabbi's to save the foreskins for me. My company makes luggage out of them, for as you know, I'm a successful businessman. The Rom-0-portable case is small and is perfect for carry on when you're leaving, but if you rub it, it becomes a large suitcase for bringing all those souvenirs home with you".


In other foot -in-mouth news, last week radio host Don Imus called the Rutgers Women's Basketball team a bunch of "nappy-haired ho's". Ho de phone...he said what????? Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are calling for his resignation.

That 'R' stands for Rutgers, Racist and just plain 'Rong' at any level about this comment, but , please remember it was Jesse who called New York "Hymie-town". It was Al Sharpton who trumped up the Tawana Brawley case, playing the race card and ruining a few police careers for no reason. Perhaps Imus should resign and do what they did...run for President!

As the old racist joke goes, two Chinese people can't have a Caucasian child because "two Wongs don't make a White". Not funny anymore, is it? Jesse and Al are the wrong guys to call Imus racist. Instead, let me do it regarding this terrible and insulting comment.