THE MASSPUBE VS THE POST OFFICE: A TRUE ADVENTURE

The gigantic 'female', multi-stomached, scaled beast behind the counter at our local post office went nuts when I asked her for twenty .39 cent stamps for the remaining "two centers" I bought when the rates went up.

"We sent them all back", proclaimed the globe-like organism angrily.

"Why? Wouldn't you figure people would need some for the "two's ?", asked your MassPube

"It's not my fault if you bought too many", snorted Godzilla's grandmom ...and went on break. Loving this confrontation and hoping to become a knight if I slew the dragon, I waited.

When she arrived back after eating an Orca and two squid, I said, "That's true that I bought too many , but since you are "the post office", I still need the stamps?'

"What do you want ?", she roared, as smoke belched out of her mis-shapen nostrils.

"I already told you...a book of .39's"

"We don't have them. We sent them back. Why don't you just use the two's?".

"Well, it'd be pretty silly to send out a letter with 20 two's and a one center, now wouldn't it? Where would I write the address? So how about you give me stamps that add up to 39."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"How do I know what I want when I have no idea what denominations stamps come in ..... nor do I have any idea what stamps are in your drawer?"

Now I hear laughter in the line behind me as a couple of fellow postal consumers start to break up laughing.

She glances at them with an angry look and then gives them the EVIL EYE and , much to my surprise, they immediately turned into mice and scampered away ......

which is the only thing our local Post Office ever did to help shorten the line in it's entire history.

"Look", I said, "just give me the largest denominations you have that add up to 39."

"Okay", she growls back, "which ones"

"How about 20 38's and 20 1's. "

I hear more laughter behind me.

"We don't have 38's". They don't exist!

"Well, what does exist. Maybe we can start from there"!

And so I wound up with twenty .26 centers and twenty .10 centers....and then after I left, she ate the two people behind me in line. That helped shorten the line too.

For more on gov't drones...go to www.steveklotz.com/blog for today on the hurricane center. personnel shift.

POISON TOOTHPASTE SCARE HITS MASSACHUSETTS

Friday's Boston Globe front page reported that imported Colgate toothpaste from China may contain high levels of a chemical used in anti-freeze, so all consumers were asked to watch out for the packages marked "Made in China".

I checked ours because with The MassPube ................ family safety comes first.

Thankfully it was "Corgate Toothpaste ..."for rong rasting froulide plotection", so we're going to finish the tube, secure that we're safe !


Jake The MassPube says "Be calefur and check yours too."

The Pube is Back but Mein Gottfried is gone!

Happy July 5th, the 2nd Monday of the week. I took six weeks off from writing the blog as business and money making got the best of me. Now that I've made enough money to last another short period of time, its back to you, my dear sweet readers .......who don't pay me a freaking dime.

While a new beginning, it also signals the end for one. I refer to the sad death of Gottfried Von Bismarck, 44 year old London based playboy and great great great great grandson of the unifier of Germany , Otto Von Bismarck, inventor of the ottomatic transmission ,I believe.

First, we'd all like to thank great great great great Grandpop for unifying Germany in the 1870's , hence bringing about World Wars I and II. Good job, Zayda and , by the way, go fuck yourself.

I know you'll find this hard to believe in a German leader but little Gottfried, as a member of German royalty, was a fairly perverted individual. According to AP, as an undergraduate at Oxford, he was known for his extravagant appearance — which at times involved dressing in fishnet stockings or traditional Bavarian lederhosen — and his lavish parties.

At one, guests were greeted by a pair of severed pigs' heads on the dinner table.

He was a known addict and his sex life bordered on the brink of sanity. Two people are known to have died at his $7 million pound apartment in Chelsea. One fell off the roof of his apartment (A.P., Dr. Paul Knapman, presiding over an inquest at Westminster Coroner's Court, said one room of the apartment contained a "bizarre" assortment of items including a large rubber tarpaulin on the floor, towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.Police concluded Casey's death was an accident, and the coroner's verdict was "death by misadventure," meaning no one was to blame.)

A woman died there as well, perhaps after being treated to a night with "Little Gottfried", his Hanging Hitler,his dangling Deustchmark aka his phallic Fuehrer, so to speak.

His family made their money by manufacturing large rubber tarpaulins , towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.

Note he lived in London which I'm sure he and his family enjoyed as it was rebuilt from the German V-2 rockets ....rockets that other German royalty shot over to London during the blitz with banners on it that said, "Gottfried, iffen you getten dis, call home to mama".

His family's comment was, according t0 AP,""Count Gottfried was a wonderful person," .

Check back in a few weeks for new posts.

Leadership Update

Pope Bendadick the 16th visited Brazil last week and brought his anti-poverty, sexually prurient, "lead a Christian life", anti-abortion,anti-violence message to the country that has more Catholics per capita than any other..

...........and their religion has really paid off for them .........as Brazil is a place where poverty is so massive it makes your local neighborhood ghetto look like Rodeo Drive...where the world's sexiest women march around 97% naked on the beach (God bless them) and the men are mucho macho constantly grabbing their weiners in public (better theirs than mine, frankly) ......and where wholesale crime and violence in the form of kidnapping, gang violence, and murder float in a sea of manure just down the street from the "best" neighborhoods.

Yep, it's a Catholic country, Jesus overlooks Rio from the mountain above.....just watch a movie called "City of God" if you want to learn about Brazil........and my favorite gold-bedecked , purple-shoe wearing, former Hitler Youth, Il Papa, spoke to the masses in a soccer stadium as every freaking hypocrite in the Southern hemisphere probably would have killed each other to see him.
Bendadick snapped this picture of two novitiate Brazilian nuns walking to Baptism on a Brazilian beach as proof that his message of love and peace is getting across.!

His exact words when he walked back onto his airplane were ,"How'd we do?" as his trip treasurer started counting up the shekels given to him by the poor for his blessing....and "See, you can fool all of der pipple all of der time".

Czar Wars.....The Umpire Strikes Back

After yesterdays 6 run bottom of the ninth,The White House announced today that Red Sox manager Terry Francona has been named "War Czar". White House press secretary Tony Snow said they did this because "Francona obviously can turn, with a little luck, a debacle into victory".

Yesterday, The Boston Red Sox were down 5-0 going into the bottom of the ninth at Fenway Park:
One quick out.
Catcher misses an infield pop up. Man on first ,one out!
Two walks, a single, a tagout at home on a horrible call, and a double later, it's 5-4, bases loaded , two outs.
Julio Lugo hits a ball to first...pitcher runs over, first baseman flips ball to pitcher for third out, pitcher drops ball. Lugo safe, two runs score. Game over, Sox win

Did you hear me. I said SOX WIN....a win which gives them the best record in baseball.

Francona reports to The Pentagon later today to be sure there are plenty of pumpkin seeds and pistachios in his new office.

As of "Today".......

The TODAY Show this morning devoted about six minutes at the start of their 7:30 half-hour to the topic of who got thrown off of American Idol last night. FYI, I learned it was a young woman named LaKisha who got booted.
Here's a hot tidbit for the producers at Today...anyone interested would have watched "American Idol". The rest of us don't give a shit! That's not news....it's bullshit! And its not entertainment news either, because if she could entertain people, even at these standards...she wouldn't have gotten the boot! ENOUGH!!!!

In a world going nuts, and on a show where you have three hours to inform people of something....here's more news for The Today Show......I'm done. I'm out. Go hawk 1/2 stories with the end of them on your prime time news shows to some other schmuck. I've had it...and I've been watching you for years. Today, no pun intended, was it!

See, this was a day where Tony Blair said he was stepping down! That story got about the same amount of time at the 7 am hour as Ms.LaKisha got being tossed off Idol in your second half hour...LaKisha even merited discussion from your hosts, Blair did not!.

Katie Couric left TODAY in the hope she might be taken seriously , following in the footsteps of Cronkite as anchor of The CBS News. Maybe years ago, she might have been because being host of The Today Show was a prestigious job and a stepping stone for the likes of Tom Brokaw. Since Brokaw, TODAY has simply dumbed down and these days Ms. Couric's CBS ratings reap what she has sown. As of the sweeps last week, she's dead last!

So, as we dumb down everything, Jake the MassPube wanted you to know about Alpo Dog Food because Today might want to do an article on this!
On their newer ,large dog food cans, they have a big green arrow overwritten with these words, "New E-Z Open Lid". The arrow points to the top of the can.... just as though the freakin' lid might be somewhere else besides the the top of the can.

This is big. This is news. They're telling us where the lid is. Today Show...get right on it....."and we'll have the rest of the report on Dateline at 9pm tonight". Let your audience hear it from you. The lid is on the top....inquiring minds want to know!

TV news...its a dog eat dog world! Now you'll be able to open the can easier!