Havin' it both ways...

Well now, here's an Al Qaida update for today...

WASHINGTON - A new threat assessment from U.S. counterterrorism analysts says that al-Qaida has used its safe haven along the Afghan-Pakistan border to restore its operating capabilities to a level unseen since the months before Sept. 11, 2001.
A counterterrorism official familiar with a five-page summary of the document — titled "Al-Qaida better positioned to strike the West" — called it a stark appraisal. The analysis will be part of a broader meeting at the White House on Thursday about an upcoming National Intelligence Estimate.


Just yesterday , Homeland Security chief Mike Chertoff says he has a gut feeling (left) that something could happen here and asked us all to be extra vigilant.....which I thought was his job! But I'll keep an eye out , Mike, I promise!


Isn't the Republican War Cry "If we don't fight them there (wherever the hell 'there' is?) , we'll be fighting them here".

Well, we're fighting them there...and now, I guess , we'll be fighting them here too. Good job, fellas.

So instead of beating the pants off the shitheads in Afghanistan, we switched to a pointless war in Iraq which, thanks to George W. Bush and cronies, is now the breeding ground for the terrorists who want to fight now tying up our armed forces, so the dingbats along the Afghan-Pakistani border had time to plan again and maybe attack us here ......because a third report yesterday said that Al Qaida is back to pre-9/11 capacity.

Sounds like it's all workin' out to me!

George and cronies also know an old lady who swallowed a fly!

Speaking of Government Drones..

Having trouble digesting bad government ? Try CHINESE for a change.....
.

BEIJING - (off Yahoo News)..China executed (Yes, Executed!!) the former head of its food and drug watchdog on Tuesday for approving untested medicine in exchange for cash, the strongest signal yet from Beijing that it is serious about tackling its product safety crisis.

The execution of former State Food and Drug Administration director Zheng Xiaoyu was confirmed by state television and the official Xinhua News Agency.

During Zheng's tenure from 1998 to 2005, his agency approved six medicines that turned out to be fake, and the drug-makers used falsified documents to apply for approvals, according to previous state media reports. One antibiotic caused the deaths of at least 10 people.

As the gun was put against his temple, the executioner said, "Sorry, Zheng, but here's your reward for doing a heckuva job. Hopefully the new guy will bullet-point your mistakes".

Of course, always ready to improve their human rights record, the Chinese government offers a choice ...
Choose One from Column A and One from Column B...

A: Hanging, Gunshot, Lethal Injection

B. Guillotine, Electrocution, Gas Chamber

Didn't 1200 people die in Hurricane Katrina? How many have been killed in Iraq for no reason now?

Tony Snowjob, just today, says the surge is working. A statement like that gives me hope......hope that someday I'll be able to find a drug that good, to quote Lewis Black.

BANG, ZOOM, ALICE using the CHINESE method.

Meanwhile the Iraqi government has not met a single deadline says a US government report today...and I guarantee the day our troops leave, the Iraqi government won't be far behind. I wouldn't be surprised to find them inside the engine once the plane lands.

You'd think these incompetent turds would have to pay a price besides a) admitting that they were wrong and b) that they were given bad information three years from now on Meet The Press as they plug their book....like with Tony Blair's old cabinet now admitting they were wrong to go to Iraq.

"Air hellair. So veddy sorry". Ta Ta".......Anybody up for Chinese?

THE MASSPUBE VS THE POST OFFICE: A TRUE ADVENTURE

The gigantic 'female', multi-stomached, scaled beast behind the counter at our local post office went nuts when I asked her for twenty .39 cent stamps for the remaining "two centers" I bought when the rates went up.

"We sent them all back", proclaimed the globe-like organism angrily.

"Why? Wouldn't you figure people would need some for the "two's ?", asked your MassPube

"It's not my fault if you bought too many", snorted Godzilla's grandmom ...and went on break. Loving this confrontation and hoping to become a knight if I slew the dragon, I waited.

When she arrived back after eating an Orca and two squid, I said, "That's true that I bought too many , but since you are "the post office", I still need the stamps?'

"What do you want ?", she roared, as smoke belched out of her mis-shapen nostrils.

"I already told you...a book of .39's"

"We don't have them. We sent them back. Why don't you just use the two's?".

"Well, it'd be pretty silly to send out a letter with 20 two's and a one center, now wouldn't it? Where would I write the address? So how about you give me stamps that add up to 39."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"How do I know what I want when I have no idea what denominations stamps come in ..... nor do I have any idea what stamps are in your drawer?"

Now I hear laughter in the line behind me as a couple of fellow postal consumers start to break up laughing.

She glances at them with an angry look and then gives them the EVIL EYE and , much to my surprise, they immediately turned into mice and scampered away ......

which is the only thing our local Post Office ever did to help shorten the line in it's entire history.

"Look", I said, "just give me the largest denominations you have that add up to 39."

"Okay", she growls back, "which ones"

"How about 20 38's and 20 1's. "

I hear more laughter behind me.

"We don't have 38's". They don't exist!

"Well, what does exist. Maybe we can start from there"!

And so I wound up with twenty .26 centers and twenty .10 centers....and then after I left, she ate the two people behind me in line. That helped shorten the line too.

For more on gov't drones...go to www.steveklotz.com/blog for today on the hurricane center. personnel shift.

POISON TOOTHPASTE SCARE HITS MASSACHUSETTS

Friday's Boston Globe front page reported that imported Colgate toothpaste from China may contain high levels of a chemical used in anti-freeze, so all consumers were asked to watch out for the packages marked "Made in China".

I checked ours because with The MassPube ................ family safety comes first.

Thankfully it was "Corgate Toothpaste ..."for rong rasting froulide plotection", so we're going to finish the tube, secure that we're safe !


Jake The MassPube says "Be calefur and check yours too."

The Pube is Back but Mein Gottfried is gone!

Happy July 5th, the 2nd Monday of the week. I took six weeks off from writing the blog as business and money making got the best of me. Now that I've made enough money to last another short period of time, its back to you, my dear sweet readers .......who don't pay me a freaking dime.

While a new beginning, it also signals the end for one. I refer to the sad death of Gottfried Von Bismarck, 44 year old London based playboy and great great great great grandson of the unifier of Germany , Otto Von Bismarck, inventor of the ottomatic transmission ,I believe.

First, we'd all like to thank great great great great Grandpop for unifying Germany in the 1870's , hence bringing about World Wars I and II. Good job, Zayda and , by the way, go fuck yourself.

I know you'll find this hard to believe in a German leader but little Gottfried, as a member of German royalty, was a fairly perverted individual. According to AP, as an undergraduate at Oxford, he was known for his extravagant appearance — which at times involved dressing in fishnet stockings or traditional Bavarian lederhosen — and his lavish parties.

At one, guests were greeted by a pair of severed pigs' heads on the dinner table.

He was a known addict and his sex life bordered on the brink of sanity. Two people are known to have died at his $7 million pound apartment in Chelsea. One fell off the roof of his apartment (A.P., Dr. Paul Knapman, presiding over an inquest at Westminster Coroner's Court, said one room of the apartment contained a "bizarre" assortment of items including a large rubber tarpaulin on the floor, towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.Police concluded Casey's death was an accident, and the coroner's verdict was "death by misadventure," meaning no one was to blame.)

A woman died there as well, perhaps after being treated to a night with "Little Gottfried", his Hanging Hitler,his dangling Deustchmark aka his phallic Fuehrer, so to speak.

His family made their money by manufacturing large rubber tarpaulins , towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.

Note he lived in London which I'm sure he and his family enjoyed as it was rebuilt from the German V-2 rockets ....rockets that other German royalty shot over to London during the blitz with banners on it that said, "Gottfried, iffen you getten dis, call home to mama".

His family's comment was, according t0 AP,""Count Gottfried was a wonderful person," .

Check back in a few weeks for new posts.

Leadership Update

Pope Bendadick the 16th visited Brazil last week and brought his anti-poverty, sexually prurient, "lead a Christian life", anti-abortion,anti-violence message to the country that has more Catholics per capita than any other..

...........and their religion has really paid off for them .........as Brazil is a place where poverty is so massive it makes your local neighborhood ghetto look like Rodeo Drive...where the world's sexiest women march around 97% naked on the beach (God bless them) and the men are mucho macho constantly grabbing their weiners in public (better theirs than mine, frankly) ......and where wholesale crime and violence in the form of kidnapping, gang violence, and murder float in a sea of manure just down the street from the "best" neighborhoods.

Yep, it's a Catholic country, Jesus overlooks Rio from the mountain above.....just watch a movie called "City of God" if you want to learn about Brazil........and my favorite gold-bedecked , purple-shoe wearing, former Hitler Youth, Il Papa, spoke to the masses in a soccer stadium as every freaking hypocrite in the Southern hemisphere probably would have killed each other to see him.
Bendadick snapped this picture of two novitiate Brazilian nuns walking to Baptism on a Brazilian beach as proof that his message of love and peace is getting across.!

His exact words when he walked back onto his airplane were ,"How'd we do?" as his trip treasurer started counting up the shekels given to him by the poor for his blessing....and "See, you can fool all of der pipple all of der time".