Humor,Comedy and Satire with Jake The MassPube

Havin' it both ways...

2007-07-12T07:32:00.000-05:00

Well now, here's an Al Qaida update for today...

WASHINGTON - A new threat assessment from U.S. counterterrorism analysts says that al-Qaida has used its safe haven along the Afghan-Pakistan border to restore its operating capabilities to a level unseen since the months before Sept. 11, 2001.
A counterterrorism official familiar with a five-page summary of the document — titled "Al-Qaida better positioned to strike the West" — called it a stark appraisal. The analysis will be part of a broader meeting at the White House on Thursday about an upcoming National Intelligence Estimate.

Just yesterday , Homeland Security chief Mike Chertoff says he has a gut feeling (left) that something could happen here and asked us all to be extra vigilant.....which I thought was his job! But I'll keep an eye out , Mike, I promise!

Isn't the Republican War Cry "If we don't fight them there (wherever the hell 'there' is?) , we'll be fighting them here".

Well, we're fighting them there...and now, I guess , we'll be fighting them here too. Good job, fellas.

So instead of beating the pants off the shitheads in Afghanistan, we switched to a pointless war in Iraq which, thanks to George W. Bush and cronies, is now the breeding ground for the terrorists who want to fight now tying up our armed forces, so the dingbats along the Afghan-Pakistani border had time to plan again and maybe attack us here ......because a third report yesterday said that Al Qaida is back to pre-9/11 capacity.

Sounds like it's all workin' out to me!

George and cronies also know an old lady who swallowed a fly!

Speaking of Government Drones..

2007-07-10T06:47:00.000-05:00

Having trouble digesting bad government ? Try CHINESE for a change.....
.

BEIJING - (off Yahoo News)..China executed (Yes, Executed!!) the former head of its food and drug watchdog on Tuesday for approving untested medicine in exchange for cash, the strongest signal yet from Beijing that it is serious about tackling its product safety crisis.

The execution of former State Food and Drug Administration director Zheng Xiaoyu was confirmed by state television and the official Xinhua News Agency.

During Zheng's tenure from 1998 to 2005, his agency approved six medicines that turned out to be fake, and the drug-makers used falsified documents to apply for approvals, according to previous state media reports. One antibiotic caused the deaths of at least 10 people.

As the gun was put against his temple, the executioner said, "Sorry, Zheng, but here's your reward for doing a heckuva job. Hopefully the new guy will bullet-point your mistakes".

Of course, always ready to improve their human rights record, the Chinese government offers a choice ...
Choose One from Column A and One from Column B...

A: Hanging, Gunshot, Lethal Injection

B. Guillotine, Electrocution, Gas Chamber

Didn't 1200 people die in Hurricane Katrina? How many have been killed in Iraq for no reason now?

Tony Snowjob, just today, says the surge is working. A statement like that gives me hope......hope that someday I'll be able to find a drug that good, to quote Lewis Black.

BANG, ZOOM, ALICE using the CHINESE method.

Meanwhile the Iraqi government has not met a single deadline says a US government report today...and I guarantee the day our troops leave, the Iraqi government won't be far behind. I wouldn't be surprised to find them inside the engine once the plane lands.

You'd think these incompetent turds would have to pay a price besides a) admitting that they were wrong and b) that they were given bad information three years from now on Meet The Press as they plug their book....like with Tony Blair's old cabinet now admitting they were wrong to go to Iraq.

"Air hellair. So veddy sorry". Ta Ta".......Anybody up for Chinese?

THE MASSPUBE VS THE POST OFFICE: A TRUE ADVENTURE

2007-07-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

The gigantic 'female', multi-stomached, scaled beast behind the counter at our local post office went nuts when I asked her for twenty .39 cent stamps for the remaining "two centers" I bought when the rates went up.

"We sent them all back", proclaimed the globe-like organism angrily.

"Why? Wouldn't you figure people would need some for the "two's ?", asked your MassPube

"It's not my fault if you bought too many", snorted Godzilla's grandmom ...and went on break. Loving this confrontation and hoping to become a knight if I slew the dragon, I waited.

When she arrived back after eating an Orca and two squid, I said, "That's true that I bought too many , but since you are "the post office", I still need the stamps?'

"What do you want ?", she roared, as smoke belched out of her mis-shapen nostrils.

"I already told you...a book of .39's"

"We don't have them. We sent them back. Why don't you just use the two's?".

"Well, it'd be pretty silly to send out a letter with 20 two's and a one center, now wouldn't it? Where would I write the address? So how about you give me stamps that add up to 39."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"How do I know what I want when I have no idea what denominations stamps come in ..... nor do I have any idea what stamps are in your drawer?"

Now I hear laughter in the line behind me as a couple of fellow postal consumers start to break up laughing.

She glances at them with an angry look and then gives them the EVIL EYE and , much to my surprise, they immediately turned into mice and scampered away ......

which is the only thing our local Post Office ever did to help shorten the line in it's entire history.

"Look", I said, "just give me the largest denominations you have that add up to 39."

"Okay", she growls back, "which ones"

"How about 20 38's and 20 1's. "

I hear more laughter behind me.

"We don't have 38's". They don't exist!

"Well, what does exist. Maybe we can start from there"!

And so I wound up with twenty .26 centers and twenty .10 centers....and then after I left, she ate the two people behind me in line. That helped shorten the line too.

For more on gov't drones...go to www.steveklotz.com/blog for today on the hurricane center. personnel shift.

POISON TOOTHPASTE SCARE HITS MASSACHUSETTS

2007-07-07T07:44:00.000-05:00

Friday's Boston Globe front page reported that imported Colgate toothpaste from China may contain high levels of a chemical used in anti-freeze, so all consumers were asked to watch out for the packages marked "Made in China".

I checked ours because with The MassPube ................ family safety comes first.

Thankfully it was "Corgate Toothpaste ..."for rong rasting froulide plotection", so we're going to finish the tube, secure that we're safe !

Jake The MassPube says "Be calefur and check yours too."

The Pube is Back but Mein Gottfried is gone!

2007-07-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

Happy July 5th, the 2nd Monday of the week. I took six weeks off from writing the blog as business and money making got the best of me. Now that I've made enough money to last another short period of time, its back to you, my dear sweet readers .......who don't pay me a freaking dime.

While a new beginning, it also signals the end for one. I refer to the sad death of Gottfried Von Bismarck, 44 year old London based playboy and great great great great grandson of the unifier of Germany , Otto Von Bismarck, inventor of the ottomatic transmission ,I believe.

First, we'd all like to thank great great great great Grandpop for unifying Germany in the 1870's , hence bringing about World Wars I and II. Good job, Zayda and , by the way, go fuck yourself.

I know you'll find this hard to believe in a German leader but little Gottfried, as a member of German royalty, was a fairly perverted individual. According to AP, as an undergraduate at Oxford, he was known for his extravagant appearance — which at times involved dressing in fishnet stockings or traditional Bavarian lederhosen — and his lavish parties.

At one, guests were greeted by a pair of severed pigs' heads on the dinner table.

He was a known addict and his sex life bordered on the brink of sanity. Two people are known to have died at his $7 million pound apartment in Chelsea. One fell off the roof of his apartment (A.P., Dr. Paul Knapman, presiding over an inquest at Westminster Coroner's Court, said one room of the apartment contained a "bizarre" assortment of items including a large rubber tarpaulin on the floor, towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.Police concluded Casey's death was an accident, and the coroner's verdict was "death by misadventure," meaning no one was to blame.)

A woman died there as well, perhaps after being treated to a night with "Little Gottfried", his Hanging Hitler,his dangling Deustchmark aka his phallic Fuehrer, so to speak.

His family made their money by manufacturing large rubber tarpaulins , towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.

Note he lived in London which I'm sure he and his family enjoyed as it was rebuilt from the German V-2 rockets ....rockets that other German royalty shot over to London during the blitz with banners on it that said, "Gottfried, iffen you getten dis, call home to mama".

His family's comment was, according t0 AP,""Count Gottfried was a wonderful person," .

2007-05-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

Check back in a few weeks for new posts.

Leadership Update

2007-05-16T15:40:00.000-05:00

Pope Bendadick the 16th visited Brazil last week and brought his anti-poverty, sexually prurient, "lead a Christian life", anti-abortion,anti-violence message to the country that has more Catholics per capita than any other..

...........and their religion has really paid off for them .........as Brazil is a place where poverty is so massive it makes your local neighborhood ghetto look like Rodeo Drive...where the world's sexiest women march around 97% naked on the beach (God bless them) and the men are mucho macho constantly grabbing their weiners in public (better theirs than mine, frankly) ......and where wholesale crime and violence in the form of kidnapping, gang violence, and murder float in a sea of manure just down the street from the "best" neighborhoods.

Yep, it's a Catholic country, Jesus overlooks Rio from the mountain above.....just watch a movie called "City of God" if you want to learn about Brazil........and my favorite gold-bedecked , purple-shoe wearing, former Hitler Youth, Il Papa, spoke to the masses in a soccer stadium as every freaking hypocrite in the Southern hemisphere probably would have killed each other to see him.
Bendadick snapped this picture of two novitiate Brazilian nuns walking to Baptism on a Brazilian beach as proof that his message of love and peace is getting across.!

His exact words when he walked back onto his airplane were ,"How'd we do?" as his trip treasurer started counting up the shekels given to him by the poor for his blessing....and "See, you can fool all of der pipple all of der time".

Czar Wars.....The Umpire Strikes Back

2007-05-14T05:36:00.000-05:00

After yesterdays 6 run bottom of the ninth,The White House announced today that Red Sox manager Terry Francona has been named "War Czar". White House press secretary Tony Snow said they did this because "Francona obviously can turn, with a little luck, a debacle into victory".

Yesterday, The Boston Red Sox were down 5-0 going into the bottom of the ninth at Fenway Park:
One quick out.
Catcher misses an infield pop up. Man on first ,one out!
Two walks, a single, a tagout at home on a horrible call, and a double later, it's 5-4, bases loaded , two outs.
Julio Lugo hits a ball to first...pitcher runs over, first baseman flips ball to pitcher for third out, pitcher drops ball. Lugo safe, two runs score. Game over, Sox win

Did you hear me. I said SOX WIN....a win which gives them the best record in baseball.

Francona reports to The Pentagon later today to be sure there are plenty of pumpkin seeds and pistachios in his new office.

As of "Today".......

2007-05-10T06:42:00.000-05:00

The TODAY Show this morning devoted about six minutes at the start of their 7:30 half-hour to the topic of who got thrown off of American Idol last night. FYI, I learned it was a young woman named LaKisha who got booted.
Here's a hot tidbit for the producers at Today...anyone interested would have watched "American Idol". The rest of us don't give a shit! That's not news....it's bullshit! And its not entertainment news either, because if she could entertain people, even at these standards...she wouldn't have gotten the boot! ENOUGH!!!!

In a world going nuts, and on a show where you have three hours to inform people of something....here's more news for The Today Show......I'm done. I'm out. Go hawk 1/2 stories with the end of them on your prime time news shows to some other schmuck. I've had it...and I've been watching you for years. Today, no pun intended, was it!

See, this was a day where Tony Blair said he was stepping down! That story got about the same amount of time at the 7 am hour as Ms.LaKisha got being tossed off Idol in your second half hour...LaKisha even merited discussion from your hosts, Blair did not!.

Katie Couric left TODAY in the hope she might be taken seriously , following in the footsteps of Cronkite as anchor of The CBS News. Maybe years ago, she might have been because being host of The Today Show was a prestigious job and a stepping stone for the likes of Tom Brokaw. Since Brokaw, TODAY has simply dumbed down and these days Ms. Couric's CBS ratings reap what she has sown. As of the sweeps last week, she's dead last!

So, as we dumb down everything, Jake the MassPube wanted you to know about Alpo Dog Food because Today might want to do an article on this!
On their newer ,large dog food cans, they have a big green arrow overwritten with these words, "New E-Z Open Lid". The arrow points to the top of the can.... just as though the freakin' lid might be somewhere else besides the the top of the can.

This is big. This is news. They're telling us where the lid is. Today Show...get right on it....."and we'll have the rest of the report on Dateline at 9pm tonight". Let your audience hear it from you. The lid is on the top....inquiring minds want to know!

TV news...its a dog eat dog world! Now you'll be able to open the can easier!

Protocol with President Bush and Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

2007-05-09T05:08:00.000-05:00

President Bush looked rather uncomfortable in white tie and tails as he hosted the White House dinner for the Queen. Instead of reading about US-British relations over the years, he prepared for wearing his fancy suit by watching "March of the Penguins" for the 4th time, still trying to grasp the story line.

His gift to the Queen of an egg which he personally delivered to her by waddling over while holding it on top of his feet really touched Her Majesty, as she turned to her Ambassador and said, "What a fucking idiot!".

Bush's entire cabinet, in order to learn more about how to act in white tie and tails also watched Happy Feet, that delightful kids animated film about the penguins and global warming affecting their environment.

The film was delayed when Vice President Cheney threw his shoe at the screen screaming something about Al Gore ... and delayed again when he couldn't stop cheering for the illegal fishing boat ......and then again for the oil exploration team.

Luckily the movie finished in time for the dinner where the Veep and the entire cabinet tap danced over to Prince Phillip, explaining to Phil that he was too stiff ........and to "put a little fun in his life. Try dancing". Prince Phillip declined the invitation.

Cheney, never one to give up, then asked him to go hunting! He declined that as well. The night ended early when Paul Wolfowitz asked the Queen out on a date promising her a better job........and Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "Tell them the baby sitter called and lets get the 'ell out of here".

Mixed up Yet.....Primary Elections

2007-05-08T05:49:00.000-05:00

With every state now trying to beat every other state by having the first primary, New Hampshire has decided to have the first primary for the 2012 election on November 5th, 2008, one day after the Presidential election. "We're sick of this shit from our 49 brethren", said Dewey R. Donwee of Berlin,NH,"We've always been first and we intend to remain first". The Little State that Could than chugged ,"I think I can. I think I can".
Flori-duh, which can't, immediately scoffed at their " can-do" attitude.

And in response, Flori-DUH, which looks like a penis and which just announced a primary for January (which,in turn, pissed off South Carolina who immediately started shelling Fort Sumter) announced that they are moving their 2012 primary to the day of the 2008 election.

Flori-duh Governor Charlie ("Jesus") Crist said, " Our voters are so screwed up, they have no idea who the hell they're voting for anyway. After all, liberal Palm Beach County voted overwhelmingly for Pat Buchanon in 2000 until we realized they had punched out the wrong chad since we had accidentally placed Gore's name under a referendum to end grapefruit blight in Escambia County by 2016".

Nevada then announced that they are skipping 2008 entirely and will count any votes placed on November 4th, 2008 as 2012 primary votes. This worried John McCain, the Senator from neighboring Arizona, who had planned to be dead for the 2012 election.

With McCain probably dead , this opens the 2012 field to people who have never been elected to anything yet. "I was going to run for Governor in '08 and then make a presidential run in 2012", said future grandson Dickie Cheney the 14th, currently in the womb),"Now I have to enter Nevada's 2012 election by next Thursday and I don't have enough names on the petition because I'm unborn, but I still have rights.".

In a surprise move, Congress announced plans to end all this by rescheduling the 2012 election to 2009, one year after the 2008 election, just in case any of the current candidates actually win the presidency........ which means that New Hampshire's primary will have to be moved, if they wish to remain first, to March 13th, 2007, a date which has already passed.

"This proves evolution doesn't exist" said Kansas Senator Sam Brownback as he peeled a banana with his feet!

Romney and The Hindenburg...A celebration of Two disasters

2007-05-06T07:54:00.000-05:00

Seventy years ago today, the airship Hindenburg ripped off one of the great farts of all time as the Nazi blimp (no, not Goerring) blew up as she was getting ready to land at Lakehurst,NJ.... and 37 people were killed in the explosion. "Oh, the humanity!". It blew because the US refused to give the Nazis helium for their airbags and they had to use hydrogen which is slightly flammable.

Let's celebrate an old disaster and a potential one, shall we?

Mitt (aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I") Romney aka My Favorite Mormon....former Governor of the vastly blue state of Massachusetts..... gave the commencement address at The Most Looney Reverend Pat Robertson's Regent University this weekend.

Robertson would have spoken, but they couldn't find the key to his muzzle.

Mitt-head, who is Mormon, will kiss anyone's ass to become president. He wasn't so welcome since many students at this Christian school object to many of the Mormon teachings, but that didn't stop Mitt. He couldn't care less since he'll say anything or do anything to get a vote. Having changed his positions so far on 1)stem cell research (even though his sick wife could use it) , 2)abortion, and 3) gun control, the lifelong hunter and brand new NRA life member (by his own admission, he last went rabbit hunting 45 years ago) gave his speech without the use of a teleprompter. That thing that looked like a teleprompter in front of him was, in fact, a mirror.... because he really is good looking, isn't he! The speech was entitled "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the dang best looking Presidential candidate of all" . The hypocritical piece of Mitt ended it by emphatically stating , "You know, I really am good looking. Aren't I!" , the one position he stands firm on.

Mitt's speeches this week are scheduled for : Monday:The Pro-Choice League; Tuesday: The "Kill the Abortion Doctors " Association; Wednesday: The Hollow Point Bullet Club ;Thursday:The Gun Control Now Club ;and , as the timing is right, Friday: The "Helium for Nazis" group.

Bad Bosses and Bad Glue, Boston Style

2007-05-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

Every boss I've ever had has been an asshole and that includes when I was self -employed! Visit http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=47 and write about YOUR WORST BOSS EVER at my old friend Geoff James' terrific business blog .

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The headline in yesterday's Boston Globe read "Big Dig job may have used wrong epoxy". And when the roof fell down last year, it killed a woman, crushing her car and when that roof fell down, they closed the tunnels screwing up commuting for months as they repaired and checked all the ceilings.

The wrong epoxy? How does such a thing happen? Masspube Construction Research spoke to Rufus Klapzing, Manager of Ceiling Construction on the Big Dig, Boston's system of underground expressway tunnels." The engineers specified a certain glue. They sent us another kind, a generic. It looked the same. We used it."

Records seem to indicate that Modern Continental Construction Inc. used a quick drying epoxy, E'mirs, as opposed to what was specified, Elmers!

"E'mirs, developed by a company in the friendly country of Yemen, looks and tastes the same as Elmer's" said a still close-mouthed Klapzing, close mouthed due to his taste test in 2005. "and we saved 8 cents a gallon on it."

In a little known fact, continued Rip Offe, attorney for Modern Continental Construction Inc., "Several workers who used the good glue are still stuck to the beams inside the ceiling of The Big Dig. The unions and workman's comp got on us. We had to use a different glue! Only one has been released to date (left). We feed them everyday and set up conjugal visits as well. Have you any idea how much that costs? Doesn't anyone care about the working man anymore...like we do!"

The city of Boston suggests visitors bring their own glue when they visit the city until this is all sorted out!

2007-05-03T05:48:00.000-05:00

The Pentagon asked that folksinger Joan Baez not entertain the troops...which she was asked to do by John Mellenkamp at a concert he's scheduled to do.

The reason, reports MassPube War Intelligence, is not that she's anti-war, but that the word "Kumbiyah" is the new code word for "Blackhawk Down".

"It's a song too?", asked a bewildered General Peter Pace, "I had no idea.".

He then started humming "I sold my heart to the junkman" and remarked, "Stupid song, but it's stuck in my head. Why would anyone marry a trash man?"

Instead Larry the Cable Guy will sing "Where have all the flowers gone" for our wounded vets!

For his part, Mellenkamp was shocked .... and then responded, "I guess this means that Iranian President Ahmadinejihad won't be called to sing the haftorah at the upcoming Ginsburg Bar Mitzvah in Beverly Hills where I am also scheduled to entertain. I hate to rescind the invitation".

2007-05-02T05:24:00.000-05:00

President George W. Bush accidentally vetoed the trade papers that would have sent Oakland wide receiver Randy Moss to the New England Patriots. ...and posted him to Iraq instead.

"Shit. I should read stuff before I sign it. But frankly, most people in Massachusetts can't stand me anyway. The Patriots, as far as I'm concerned, are un-patriotic" said the President, who noted that the Patriots wear blue and he mixed it up with a Democratic bill.

Tom Brady, Patriots quarterback, who re-arranged his own contract so that Moss (who took an $8 million pay cut to play for New England) could come to the Pats, took the news with his usual good nature.

Meanwhile Moss said, "He did what...that dumb mutha fuc....." as he looked at his new rifle, night vision goggles, and backpack.

However in a late evening development, the combined legislatures of Vermont, Rhode Island, New Hampshire and Massachusetts overrode the Presidential veto.....Connecticut which is half Jets fans declined to participate.......and Moss will go to New England as opposed to Iraq.

Senate majority leader Harry Reid commented, "When I heard about the dope's mistake I said that the Pats season is lost.Thankfully President Doo-doo-ball-head's mistake, with all due respect ,was annulled as we look forward to both the New Hampshire primary and the Pats season with vigor"

Troubles and they start with "T"

2007-05-01T04:39:00.000-05:00

Tenet & Tobias.....
Finally the Bush administration does its homework instead of running off "half-cocked", ahem.

Randall Tobias was a big shot in the State Department running our foreign aid division and also was responsible for dealing with the effects of prostitution the world over and how it affected foreign aid. He was the one responsible for the International ABSTINENCE patrol of this White House....... like anyone would actually screw Karl Rove anyway.

Turns out he had to resign when it was discovered he was using Washington DC's most famous "escort service" for , in his own words, "massages".

Could be true ......, maybe they were massaging his weiner .........but at least, unlike anyone else in the administration, he was doing his homework,i.e.,hiring DC prostitutes..... and I ain't talkin' Shaqueenah off "The Corner". He hired only high priced, college educated, 'sweet cream ladies', not the exact thing you'd buy off the street in say Lahore, Pakistan or Tijuana, but hell, ya gotta start somewhere when you're serious about your job......like Mr. Tobias!

Another former Administration screwball bobbed back to the surface on Sunday night, one George Tenet, former Director of the CIA, winner of the Presidential Medal of Freedom or some such crapola Bush gives to his buddies and former buddies, current Georgetown professor and one freaking nutcase! Obviously Georgetown's HR department will hire anyone.

The very first page of Tenet's new book called "At the Center of The Storm" relates a story that he told Scott Pelley of "60 Minutes" , immediately after he screamed in Pelley's face that "he only deals in the facts,.........that Richard Perle, a White House neo-con, blamed Iraq for 9/11 in a White House meeting on 9/12 , hence proving, screamed Tenet, that The White House didn't care about proof about Iraq at all.........BUT Perle, it turns out ,was in Paris on 9/12 and could not have had the meeting with Tenet at The White House. That's page one of the book of facts.

He also went on to scream that his famous advice about going to war with Iraq, "It's a slam dunk" was misinterpreted. He meant to say"It's a slam dunk", but it came out, "It's a slam dunk" which obviously, depending on what your definition of 'is' is, can mean either one of two things.....
1. "It's a slam dunk" or 2) "It's a slam dunk", as clearly shown by the photo of Mr Tenet explaining exactly what he meant, above! Thank you, Mr. Tenet .

LORD HELP US!

Too Much Pomp, Not Enough Circumstance or

2007-04-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

Marilee, we roll along......
Next time those in higher education look askance at you while their noses point straight up into the air as they interview your kid for college,

........remind yourself of one Marilee Jones, the Director of Admissions ,no, not at Schlepville State College in Elk Vomit, Idaho, but at MIT, no less, who, after being with MIT for 28 years , resigned on Thursday because it turns out she fabricated all her credentials......

or as we commoners like to put it, "She freakin' lied on her freakin' resume!"

Considered the "MOST CELEBRATED AND OUTSPOKEN ADMISSIONS DEAN IN AMERICA", so says The Boston Globe, it turns out that when she said she had degrees from
1. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute 2. Union College and 3. Albany Medical College...she really meant to check the "NO" box, but dang if she didn't check "YES.

Amazingly, the administrative assistant job she originally applied for 28 years ago did not have a college degree requirement, but , what the fuck, lah dee dah, she lied anyway...and since she did so well and they promoted her so often, they never checked her resume against,.... oh what do you call that damn thing....oh yeah...that's right......the truth!
They say that the truth shall set you free. That must be correct! She's free of her job.

Well, MIT, this just goes to show you the value of a really good education, the kind that your students are paying ,what, $60,000.00 a year for. Your beloved Dean of Admissions never even went to school ...and 28 years ago, did anyone think to ask her at the interview, "Why would somebody with degrees from Rensselaer, Union and Albany Medical College be applying for a job as an administrative assistant which requires no degree?'

Hmm, look who's President...and he has a degree from Yale. A Yale degree gives us the dumbest thing since toenails failed to evolve while NO degree at all gets to be Dean of Admissions at MIT, one of the great schools anywhere!

Hmmm......What's the tuition at Schlepville State anyway. Come to think of it...why bother?

2007-04-27T05:35:00.000-05:00

Potentially habitable planet found By SETH BORENSTEIN, AP Science Writer Wed Apr 25, 4:35 PM ET WASHINGTON - For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe." The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away.

EARTHLINGS FIND US......LETS BUILD A FENCE says President Ajwqkr of the Planet Nephron since finding out that we found them. "When we find out who left the lights on, they're in big trouble", Ajwqkr continued as he worried about the impact of Earth people even knowing they exist, something they've been trying to avoid happening for the last 20 billion years.

In his message to Earth, the President said he wants to make sure that Earth knows,:

1. We do not have weapons of mass destruction, except for our death rays which we'll be happy to use on you if you come closer than 119.9 trillion miles.

2. We have immigration rules which we enforce. If you'd like to be deported to asteroid 119367483 if we catch you here, that can be arranged. That ain't a potato. You'll call it home!

3. We do not have plastic bags littering the landscape since we only go to the grocery store once every 4 billion years.

4. We believe in science and when the scientists say the planet is in trouble , we believe them. We don't believe in a supreme being telling you to you to come here. We have a term for that here, "bullshit". Check yourself into a mental hospital if you hear differently

5. You're basically a bunch of fucking idiots. Please stay away. The only radio signal we've heard from your planet is something called Rush Limbaugh
and if that's what you loons listen to, we'll be happy to send you a death ray to use on yourselves.

6. We're hermaphroditic which means we fuck ourselves, thank you very much, and we like it......and we hardly need you fucking us up further.

SO DO US AND YOURSELVES A BIG FAVOR..............................

A New England Jew in King George's court

2007-04-25T06:59:00.000-05:00

I spent the last four days in Texas visiting family in Tyler.

I ate true barbecue and it was fabulous at the Bodacious Barbecue. They give you a lot of food. The "junior" appetizer is pictured to the right! I also ate the flag. The dinner was still moo'ing as I ingested it.

I ate a great greasy spoon old style burger at Jucy's in Tyler, a real hamburger joint. I love Jucy. Not a chain, they even have a pot full of FREE spiced pinto beans overflowing as they cook your burger with a side of double fried french fries. I went for my second helping of beans before I got my burger... and was stopped by an EPA agent.

He was rewarded by President Bush "fer doin' a heckua job" ..... and thanked by my wife.

I learned that the health curriculum in the schools is something called "Virginity Rules". Any textbook with a mention of sexual organs, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted diseases or semi accurate sexual diagrams is verboten by the textbook police who, once they finish in Tyler, are moving on to protest teaching spawing to young salmon . Virginity Rules offers advice and activities to remain celibate ........!

It offers nothing new! The Virginity Rules activities include a hand, a wrist, a dick, and 16 year old cheerleader, Suzy May Belfus, walking by you , winking and sayin', "How y'all doin?". I can't speak for everybody, but it sure worked for me on Monday. Just ask the Tyler police!

A woman I met from Jackson Missisippi once said to me , "Southern girls. We're the only ones who can screw all night and wake up virgins". See, virginity does rule!

Lost in Translation

2007-04-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

AFTER THIS POST, I WON'T BE BACK ON UNTIL WEDNESDAY 4/25. ENJOY THIS AND CHECK BACK THEN................................

Part 1 of 3.........
GONZALES "VOWS TO STAY" says BOSTON GLOBE HEADLINE.

Jake the MassPube translates this to "I'd resign today but my confirmation has not yet come through from Travelocity regarding my post-resignation trip. Hence I'll be resigning next week, just as soon as I get seat assignments, and my letter will say how my staying on would only continue to be a drain on the important work of the US Justice Department. I am expecting The Medal of Freedom from President Bush sometime in August".

Part 2 of 3
REID SAYS "WAR IS LOST", DRAWING GOP REBUKE!
"Republicans pounced on the comment as evidence that Democrats do NOT support the troops"

Jake the MassPube explains the rebuke : This is an astounding leap of logic such as this fictional question: "Do you walk to school or carry your lunch? Aha, obviously you don't support the troops".

This 'rebuke' proves that the Republicans will say and do anything to hang on, to the point (if they had had the chance) of changing into a dress to get on a Titanic lifeboat, making it to the Carpathia and saying "See, I won. I kicked the old lady off the boat because I felt she didn't support the troops".

Considering that we "lost" the war in Vietnam, this country, which cost us 50,000 lives, is now a gentle, non-aggressive country where there are tons of American products ..... and a place where Americans can visit and have a great vacation.

After we win in Iraq, should you visit there for a weekend getaway, Jake says "Bring an extra bag" since you'll probably be bringing your head back as "carry-on" on the return trip.

Part 3 of 3......

Even Jake had trouble translating this Reuters article about a trial in China: " China jailed an Uighur-Canadian for life for separatism and terrorism....The court in Urumqi ...convicted Huseyin Celil,37, of terrorist activities......Celil, whose first name can also be spelled Huseyincan, was the second ethnic Uighur activist jailed in China this week".

Jake had no idea what an Uighar is, let alone an "Uighur-Canadian" ! Uighur ,fyi, is an area in northwest China
Jake thanks Reuters for giving me the other spelling of "Huseyin".
Jakes thanks Reuters for keeping me appraised of the activities of Uighur-Canadians in China which is a topic I usually use to pick up women in bars...which goes a long way to explaining why I haven't gotten laid in two years.

SEE YA WEDNESDAY

2007-04-19T05:42:00.000-05:00

First Warning Sign...when this becomes your kids home page

Believe it or not, this freaking nutcase is now a "hero" to some people. That's the good news!

The bad news is that all of them are nuts too. Yesterday in Huntersville, NC, a high school kid pointed a handgun at two other students in a school parking lot at North Mecklenburg High School. He didn't fire and ,by the end of the day, killed himself. As the rock group Chicago once sang, "Only the beginning".

Cho said in his "manifesto" to NBC News that "you forced me into a corner". Unfortunately he was in a round room at the time.

He was able to get his his guns because he simply lied on the Virginia buyers form. When asked if he was mentally stable, he checked off the box that said, "Yes, you mother fucker, I am fucking sane. I'm like Jesus. Believe me or I'll fucking eat your eyeballs" and by checking 'yes', he got his gun and the gun shop owner remained sighted.

Perhaps a stronger check might be in order. When I was kid, a security officer at my Dad's business applied for a gun permit in Philadelphia where we lived. Two detectives actually came to our house and had my old man sign an affidavit about the guy.

Today you can get a handgun if you can work the crane machine at the arcade properly. They're in the bin right next to the stuffed rabbits. "Go for the Glock, honey, I only have one quarter left".

I'll tell you, with all the nuts able to get guns, its not so far fetched that sane people ought to be well armed too. Of course, I'd probably shoot off my toe first time around, but I have nine more. Because maybe, just maybe, when Looney Tunes stopped to reload at Virginia Tech, somebody could have blown his balls off. Remember, I'm talking sane people here....like me!

GOOD NEWS ABOUT TAXES

2007-04-18T05:44:00.000-05:00

The IRS , in their never ending search for truth, justice and the American pay, has said that anyone having troubles from the lingering Nor'easter due to flooding has two days extra to file their taxes. To get the two day extension, all one has to do is write "April Nor'easter" in big letters at the top of the form and the always understanding IRS will let it go without a penalty. "This is as opposed to the usual note of "F _ _ k you", says the IRS.

Two whole days, wow! I spoke to a Mrs. Vilma Fingerdoo, 84 years old, who lives on the first floor in the building to the left as she was planning to dive in to retrieve her tax return in time to avoid a penalty as the waters aren't expected to recede until 3 days after the filing date.

She dove into freezing water in her bathing suit and never made it out. The IRS plans to sue her heirs.

I then spoke to IRS (Internal Revenue Scuba) agent Mike Nelson who said, "Nor'easter, my ass! Some of these cheats 'll do anything to get an extension. That's why I'm here. Just cause their house is underwater is no excuse! I was in the Lippman household in Hampton, New Hampshire for three hours underwater just looking for a Staples receipt they were using to illegally claim "paper clips" as office supplies. Couldn't find it either even though I went with my receipt sniffing dog, Ahab. Yeah, sure, they bought paper clips, my ass!"

"Your tax dollars at work.....Ahab and Mike in training for underwater receipt sniffing at Internal Revenue Scuba training academy in Pocatello, Idaho"!

Mike and Ahab head to Saco, Maine today to retrieve returns for other tax cheats attempting to file late using minor flooding as an excuse!

Bad Day at Blacksburg

2007-04-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

The guy who won yesterday's Boston Marathon was Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya. When he gets back home, his country will give him its highest award. He'll be known as a "Grand Kenyan".

That's the best I can do today. Ha Ha ! Yesterday sucked and it's hard to be funny today.It was a miserable day wherein 33 people got killed by some freaking nutcase at Virginia Tech, dead but still unidentified, who was screaming something about his girlfriend. And now we can begin a) the healing and b)the wait for a copycat crime somewhere else.
My son, who's studying in France this semester, has a best friend over there who goes to Virginia Tech. He's pretty shaken up as he gets the news from his buddy who was text messaged all day from friends on campus in Blacksburg and the news he was getting seemed to be accurate. It wasn't good. Even at a great distance, it affects me and my family. Six degrees of separation , so to speak.

Basically we've just learned what its like to go shopping in Baghdad. How do you stop one nut who is willing to die. So I'm not in a funny mood.

How the E-Z Pass was invented! The Story of Israel Bissell.

2007-04-16T06:25:00.000-05:00

What a miserable Monday morning here in Boston with heavy rains, a bit of flooding, grey skies and high winds as The Nor'easter stays with us through today, the day of The Boston Marathon, which will still run its 26 mile course. I'm debating whether to drive anywhere today and there's 10,000 folks getting ready to run...go figure! It's a week to celebrate endurance!

It was April 19th, 1776 when Paul Revere made his famous ride warning the populace that "The Yiddish are Coming", for the first 3 miles until somebody corrected him.

While Paulie was finishing that, an unsung hero (and this is true) was just getting started. His name was Israel Bissell and Izzy left the same day, after picking the short straw, I guess, from the western edge of Boston (Watertown, MA) for a 345 mile journey by horse to Philadelphia to warn all the towns along the way that the war had started.

He made it too. On the first leg... to Worcester (which, fyi, is pronounced "wuhsteh", not "war-chester").... he rode so hard that his horse dropped dead under him upon arrival ....two hours after he left . Besides the horse dying, the bad news is that 231 years later it takes about the same amount of time to get from Watertown to Worcester by car.

Bissell rode all through Connecticut and got to New York City at 4pm on April 23rd after leaving the 19th. This is approximately the same amount of time it takes a modern US Air passenger to make the same journey. He then rode 24 hours to Philadelphia, normally a six hour ride, but he took the Garden State Parkway , even though his wife had warned him, "Izzy, don't take the Parkway", but ,of course, he didn't listen......and he had no quarters on him.

Because.....He had carried with him a pass for the tolls, given to him by Mr. Revere himself, called an "IZZY Pass" but of course, it didn't work. No tollkeeper would give him a free run through the tolls and then , adding insult to injury, no New Jersey-ite would change a dollar for him. One storekeeper said he'd give him change if he bought gum, but gum wouldn't be invented for 100 years. He couldn't wait so he wound up having to take side roads and it took him 24 hours to get to Philly where 8,000 people greeted him and asked, "What took you so long?"

That was it. He did his job and was forgotten by history mostly because Longfellow couldn't think of anything cool that rhymed with Bissell..."thistle, whistle, nissell" ...or Israel ...." bail, tale, quail':"Listen my children and I'll you a tale,of a hard riding rider named Bissell, Israel."

So remember Izzy...inventor of the IZZY pass, as we celebrate endurance. He died at age 71 in 1823!

The Ho shootin' match!

2007-04-15T04:55:00.000-05:00

Last year, basketball legend, Red Auerbach of Boston Celtics fame died on the night we turned the clocks an 'hour back'. Don't believe me. Check it out!

THIS JUST IN......

Does anyone else find it odd that Don Ho,the famous Hawaiian singer, died yesterday , during the same week Don Imus got fired for saying "'ho".

Boy, when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton say "no mo ho" on the airwaves, they don't kid around , do they ?

World Without Nifong, Amen

2007-04-13T05:21:00.000-05:00

It was a racially charged week.

Of course, we had Imus. I liked Imus' show, but ,man some things are just a tidge over the top, like Hitler invading Poland. Time to go and frankly, he should have taken himself off the air. Those Rutgers players and coaches were beautifully eloquent and non-vindictive as they were called to the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.

But now we leave the Northeast and head south
to North Carolina and the Duke Lacrosse rape case.....all the charges have been dropped. Its a place where Mike Nifong aka future prisoner 374859-463829 of the North Carolina prison system, former DA of Durham and an asshole (hopefully well lubricated), suppressed the fact that there was no evidence, doing that for political gain amongst African Americans.

Am I rushing to judgement? Oh, so sorry....he hasn't had his due process yet and I'm sure he'll be screaming about that! Perhaps Reverends Sharpton and Jackson will be marching in his defense soon.

Let's see......A real 'ho pretends she was raped a year ago and Nifong jumps on it like a hungry python on a rat,

coincidentally when polls show he's losing a re-election bid. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton then jump on it like buzzards to a carcass, organizing marches and calling the boys bigots etc. Eighty -eight nutball Duke professors immediately signed a public letter condemning the kids with no facts at all behind them. Duke tossed the kids....over nothing, fired the Lacrosse coach and cancelled the season.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees later, no evidence. And there never was any. But I haven't heard the Reverends Al " Tawana Brawley" Sharpton and Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson apologise at all for denying the kids due process before they leapt to judgement ......have you? I'm all ears.
If I were Nifong, Duke, Durham County, the DNA Lab suppression team, or one of the eighty-eight professors, I'd be hiding assets (which by the way are not 'young female donkeys'). The Lacrosse players lawyers,fyi, are pictured to the left.

Bend over, Mike. You literally should be hiding your 'asset' right after you meet, for the second time, Bubba, whom you sent to jail for 'assault with a blunt weapon". Ouch! Remember!

So YOU want to be a Czar

2007-04-11T05:17:00.000-05:00

According to Reuters, The Washington Post reported today that Alfred E. President is trying to hire a "Czar" to run the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Why not? He already has a personal choice of two Rasputins, one of which, as the picture below clearly shows, acts as a second head for Fearless Leader.
Gregori Rasputin was the insane monk who controlled Czarina Alexandra,who was married to the last of the Romanov's, Czar Nicholas II. Rasputin was a madman and the Czar was pussy whipped. Bad combination and it didn't work out well for either of them.

Nicholas was killed by Bolsheviks after the nobles killed Rasputin, just before the Bolsheviks killed them. The nobles shot Rasputin, stabbed him and threw the still-living nutcase into the freezing Volga River. He was still screaming when he floated away. I assume, since its been 90 years since they did this.....he's finally dead.

But check the photos above , just in case there is re-incarnation. Any resemblence between him and Karl Rove is purely coincidental, we are assured.

Rasputin, btw, is far less scary looking than the two current choices for "Official Mad Monk". He looks like he plays bass in a grunge band in Seattle.

The White House, in it's never ending search to find others to blame, has asked three Generals if they want the job of "Czar". They've all turned it down. MassPube Investigative Reporting reports that a Corporal Agarn of "F Troop" is now being considered as The White House keeps going down through the ranks. His first question concerning the enemy was ,"Where the Heck-Ow-Wee?" Bush announced that Agarn did a "heckuva" job during the interview.

The three Generals decided on easier jobs. One of the Generals is now delivering Vaseline at Sing Sing. Another is a cat herder on Brokeback Mountain and the third decided to become Chief Rabbi of Islamabad.

Why is it always a "Czar"? The "Czars" were a bunch of assholes. The last one was killed by his own people. But if we're going that way, perhaps a better way to find the right person is with a reality TV show...."So you want to be a Czar".

"Czar????" ,said the winner, Miss Brandy Seymour of Iowa City, an 18 year old part time community college student who portrayed Juliet in her high school play, "Like really, like I thought they said 'star!"

Taxi ! Here's George Jetson........

2007-04-10T06:12:00.000-05:00

The United States is hailing the Russian space taxi starting in 2010, which, by the way, is only 3 years away.

We're going to pay Russia $719 million bucks to ride in Russian capsules and rockets as we shuttle our astronauts to the International Space Station because we'll be in-between fleets as we're retiring the old shuttles and moving to a new fleet of Orion vehicles. Remember the Orions are being built in America, the same country that gave us bad tiles and O rings on the old shuttles, the levees of New Orleans, and the current crop of easy-to explode Humvee's in Iraq.
(To digress a moment, isn't it amazing that all the auto ads talk about how safe your car is for suburban driving to soccer games, but we can't equip a Humvee well enough to protect our soldiers from roadside bombs)

This Russian taxi idea beats the first idea ( an idea first put forth by noted space scientist, Ronald Dumsfeld) of standing with a sign and a bag of diapers on old satellites circling the earth with our thumb out waiting for passers-by to help out.
Russians are wary of hitch-hikers anyway ever since we started exporting our horror movies there, especially the women:
Boris: He looks worry friendly. Lets pick him up.
Natasha: Babushka, are you crazy. I think he has an ax.
Boris: Dats not an ax. Its a case of Bud Light.
And when they arrived a day later, there was a bloody hook hanging from their space capsule.

Of course, like all Russian cabbies, they'll make our guys and gals sit in the back seat and be miserable the whole way. The conversation might be:
Our guy: So what part of Russia are you from?
The driver: You never heard of it! Shh, I havt to concentrate.Vhere vere you goink again?
Our guy: I might have heard of it. Try me.
The driver: Taratitsoff.
Our guy: Is that near Moscow.
The driver: Why don't you shut the fuck up and let me drive!

I remember the glory days of the old space race when the headlines read "Russia Launches Artificial Moon" and nobody knew what in hell that was , but we knew we were in trouble because a 4 lb. sphere was making a beeping noise from space. President Eisenhower was really worried.

Eisenhower and then Kennedy put all our scientific know-how into our space race. Science became king. Now under the anti -science current leader of the free world, Alfred E. President, we're reduced to flagging down the Russians to hitch with them.

When we build the Orion, before it leaves the showroom, I'm sure we'll have to set up financing. The Bush's are excited because The Bank of Saudi Arabia is offering 1.5% through November 2010. Lets hope we finish in time.

Open mouth....Insert foot.. MITT and IMUS

2007-04-09T05:46:00.000-05:00

Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I" Romney is an idiot..... Last week in New Hampshire, the former governor of liberal Massachusetts , a state he mocks continually when campaigning, said that he was a lifelong hunter in answer to a question form a guy wearing an NRA hat. The man who will say anything to get elected was later found out to be FULL OF CRAP.

That's not him above. That's a real hunter. It could have been Mitt, but he really wants the 'deer' vote. Turns out the Mitt-ster has only been "hunting" twice, both times without a license. Once for rabbits when he was 15 (45 years ago)and a second time when he "hunted" quail inside a hunting preserve during a Republican Governors Conference. Admittedly this can be dangerous for Republicans...just ask Dick Cheney's hunting pals.

It should be noted that ,based on his long love of hunting, Romney suddenly joined the NRA last summer, just before he announced for President.

In answer to a question about why he joined the NRA, asked by Rabbi Schmuel Ginzborg, Romney answered, "No, it has nothing to do with rifles.The National Rabbinical Association is the right organization for me. Years ago, I shunned a Jew in Salt Lake City and being Jewish has been a lifelong passion of mine. In fact as a businessman, I asked my fellow Rabbi's to save the foreskins for me. My company makes luggage out of them, for as you know, I'm a successful businessman. The Rom-0-portable case is small and is perfect for carry on when you're leaving, but if you rub it, it becomes a large suitcase for bringing all those souvenirs home with you".

In other foot -in-mouth news, last week radio host Don Imus called the Rutgers Women's Basketball team a bunch of "nappy-haired ho's". Ho de phone...he said what????? Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are calling for his resignation.

That 'R' stands for Rutgers, Racist and just plain 'Rong' at any level about this comment, but , please remember it was Jesse who called New York "Hymie-town". It was Al Sharpton who trumped up the Tawana Brawley case, playing the race card and ruining a few police careers for no reason. Perhaps Imus should resign and do what they did...run for President!

As the old racist joke goes, two Chinese people can't have a Caucasian child because "two Wongs don't make a White". Not funny anymore, is it? Jesse and Al are the wrong guys to call Imus racist. Instead, let me do it regarding this terrible and insulting comment.

Party with Ahmadinejihad, Part deaux

2007-04-06T05:30:00.000-05:00

As a followup to yesterday.......Well, of course, there is controversy in England now that the sailors have returned safely from Iran. The controversy is about why the sailors admitted their "guilt" so quickly over entering Iranian waters and then smiled and cajoled with President Ahmadinejihad in photo sessions.

One critic, Mr. Paul Beaver, a defense advisor to the House of Commons, slapped his broad tail against the ground and mumbled, in a deep British accent, "Air hellair...Hrmmphh so fmmmharhapahs, foffohohawhaww,yes, qwestshuns" which translates to " There are lots of former naval people I've talked to and they are very disappointed....makes the whole Royal Navy look completely ineffective". ......anyone for darts?

Chris Brown, a professor of International Relations at London School of Economics ( a position known for it's bravery in combat) harummphed, "It seems to me that dishonorable discharge would not be an inappropriate response..."! He neglected to mention he's tenured!

Well ,Rule Britannia, so there! Let me restate my personal position from yesterday. It is quite simple; "President Ahmadinejihad, before you wipe, might I kiss you there". It's hard to think clearly when you're suddenly taken prisoner in a freaking ridiculous war by religious maniacs...you just want to get home.....and I might add, also hard to think clearly with a load of crap in your pants. As Harry Flashman says, "There's a time to grovel and a time not to to grovel.....and this is the time to grovel"

Reminds me of the old joke about the British lion tamer, Lord Clyde, at the circus who was asked how he protected himself once in the cage. "I have a whip", he said.
"And if that doesn't work?"
"I have a chair"
"And if that doesn't work"
"I have a gun"
"And if that doesn't work"
"Simple. I'd reach behind me and pick up a load of crap and fling it into his eyes."
What if the load of crap isn't there?"
"Don't worry, Chappie, it'll be there".

I served, I got captured,I kissed ass, IRAN

2007-04-05T05:21:00.000-05:00

Iran released the 15 British sailors yesterday.
Here in Boston, conservative WRKO radio talk show host Todd Feinburg, whose show I enjoy btw, went a bit whacky saying (if I may paraphrase) how the sailors were shown in conversation with Iran's President Ahmadinejihad in wire photos, happy and in enjoyable, smiling chit chat with Ahmadinejihad as they heard about their release.
Feinburg said it looked like a party and it made him sick because they were cow-towing to him when they should be spitting in his face.....and somehow this reflected the US under the "liberals".

He basically called the 15 sailors "kiss-ass cowards" and then invited call-ins because if he was there, he'd act differently......which is very easy to say when you're sitting in a radio studio in Boston.

Todd then admitted he never served in the Armed Forces and then lamented that , so help me, "John Wayne wouldn't have acted like this",

Well, Todd, John Wayne never served, so he never had the chance to be scared shitless after being captured. He made movies in Hollywood the whole time. Ron Reagan, whom you also mentioned, due to poor eyesight, served in a noncombat role making movies for the Army in southern California during WWII. "Hellcats of the Navy" just doesn't count. And Alfred E. President, our current jerk, well, everybody knows that story.

My favorite character in fiction is Sir Harry Flashman, created by the great George McDonald Fraser. Flashy winds up being the most decorated soldier in 19th century England, in a series of ten novels, even though he's nothing but, by his own admission, a sniveling coward.

In "Flashman and the Dragon", Flashy's in China and he and two other Brits are taken prisoner by a Chinese warlord who tells them all to lick his feet , swear only allegiance to him and he'd let them live. Of course, the other two will not do it and are taken away and immediately beheaded.

BUT not old Flashy. In one of the greatest lines a great writer ever wrote, Sir Harry thinks to himself "There's a time to grovel and a time not to grovel....and this is the time to grovel". So he bends over, kisses and washes the brute's feet, swears allegiance saying he never liked Queen Victoria anyway, eventually screws the guys wife, escapes and is honored as a hero , winning yet another medal for bravery , while the other two beheaded Brits lay in a grave somewhere.
See, Sir Harry, who'd been to so many foreign wars, battles and intrigues while the priggish Generals and government officials (and if there was radio back then, talk show hosts) back home played Whist, learned quickly, that it's all bullshit and there just ain't no sense getting killed over it.

If it were me and Ahmadinejihad said "Look happy and drink tea with me", I'd ask him if he'd like me to get him more tea and how many lumps of sugar he'd enjoy. And if he drank too much tea, I'd ask him if I could hold Little Mohammed for him while he peed.

I wouldn't be spitting in his face and calling him names. I'd just want to get the fuck out! And, believe me, so would Todd Feinburg.

Report from Iraq or "For Christs Sake, don't do any shopping in Indiana"

2007-04-04T06:16:00.000-05:00

This Report from Iraq was written from news by people who've been there, not me. I ain't going! And the reason I'm not going is because I am sure Alfred E. President won't afford me the level of protection he afforded the currently insane John McCain ("the ramblin wreck from Kiss-ass Tech") who visited a market place in Baghdad with some Republican congressional pals on Monday and then declared that Baghdad is a safe place and that the surge is working.

In the Reuters photo that ran in The Boston Globe, McCain is wearing sunglasses and a bulletproof vest. The sunglasses are not because it's sunny out, but because , I believe,he's legally blind...as I am sure his recent top-secret lobotomy affected his eyesight since it was done at Walter Reed by renowned neurosurgeon and rat breeder, Dr. Shakes. Obviously, McCain can't see the truth.
During McCain's tour of the Shorja Central market ( where more than 60 people were killed in February), they arrived with more than 100 soldiers in armored Humvees, the equivalent of an entire company, and attack helicopters circling overhead. Soldiers redirected traffic and armed sharpshooters were on every roof.
The Desert Lunatic and his pal, Republican of Indiana, Congressman Mike Pence,than said, "this is a safe , bustling place full of warm and welcoming Iraqis...like a normal, outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime" .

Other shoppers greet you at Mall of Indiana while security guard looks on to protect against shoplifters.

An Iraqi vendor at the market said, "What are they talking about? They paralyzed the market when they came. They were only here for the media".
I've been to Indiana. I've shopped in Indiana and frankly, this is no Indiana. But wait, come to think of it....Daddy's VP Dan Quayle is from Indiana. Maybe it's the water...at the mall water fountains!

The spawn of Daddy Bush trade T-shirts they bought on a mall shopping trip.

Jews and Kangaroos.. wrestle with this one!

2007-04-02T18:30:00.000-05:00

Its a holiday....this is my 100th post. Feel free to take the day off.....and also its Passover which brings me to Judaism which brings me to ......

Abe Coleman, Wrestler Known as Hebrew Hercules, Dies at 101 By DOUGLAS MARTIN
Published: April 2, 2007
Abe Coleman, a squat powerhouse of a professional wrestler, billed by promoters as the Hebrew Hercules and known to opponents by the two-footed kick he copied from kangaroos, died Wednesday in New York. He was 101, probably making him the oldest professional wrestler, according to wrestling publications.
. He weighed 220 pounds, stood 5 feet 3 inches and boasted moves that included the flying head butt and the airplane spin.
But his pièce de résistance was the drop kick, a still-common tactic in which a wrestler turns himself into a human missile. Coleman said he learned it from kangaroos on a 1930 trip to Australia.

According to several professional wrestling publications, he once raised Man Mountain Dean, all 465 pounds of him, over his head and slammed him. They fell through the ring to the auditorium floor. If he raised Man Mountain Dean (above)over his head today, the papers would simply say "Jewish guy lifts average sized American over his head".

And he didn't learn the drop kick from kangaroo's, he learned it from a little known species of marsupial, the Kangajew, a true "mar-soup-ial"

, an animal which can carry chicken soup in it's pouch and keep it warm for 24 hours, delivering it to lost hikers in the Outback, kind of like Saint Bernard's do in the Alps. Jews don't have saints....this'll have to do. One rescued hiker said, "I hope it's homemade" after which the insulted KangaJew beat the shit out of him (above) saying, "I hop all this way for an insult! Of course, it's homemade"

Next up on the card, "The Protestant Pope vs. The Greek Schlomo" followed by our championship bout, "Man Mountain Mohammed vs. Uncurious George, the Human Baboon." Times have changed!

Sweet Jesus...what's going on here?

2007-04-02T05:56:00.000-05:00

You've probably read about the sculpture "My Sweet Lord", the six foot tall statue of Jesus on the crucifix, anatomically correct and nude, done in the medium of chocolate. I believe it was dark chocolate too which makes Jesus African, as opposed to white chocolate which makes Jesus a suburban Republican. Maybe that's whats pissing them off. I could see if the artist used, say almonds to portray his nuts, but he didn't.

Hmm. Religious Catholics are in an uproar and frankly I can't figure out why. It's just Jesus. Its still Jesus. There are replicas of Jesus everywhere. Every church has one. Okay, it is Holy Week, but this is no insult. And isn't the typical Easter fun based on candy. Go anywhere and they're selling chocolate rabbits, chocolate chickens...all for Easter. And they've always made chocolate Jesus'.Look at the top picture.

So it can't be the chocolate. I haven't heard whether it was for eating, but it could be considered somehow a little holy...perhaps like communion wafers, a little piece of the soul, but more flavorful. I always had the idea for cheese flavored communion wafers and calling them "Cheezits Christ". I've told priests that joke and they die laughing.

It can't be the fact that he's anatomically correct. Jesus had a penis. Yes, he did, circumcised though it might be! Everybody agrees on that. And the church has been sponsoring nude works for years because they supposedly honor mankind which is supposedly God's greatest creation, though both He and I are becoming more doubtful about that every day .

Take Michaelangelo's David as an example. His wang is prominently displayed and that's done by the same guy who did The Sistine Chapel. Jesus , I am sure, wouldn't have minded a bit.

Here it is....brace yourself........and if you look closely, I think Jesus would have said "Thanks" to the artist.

Frankly, it looks like an Olympic diver whose suit fell off, doesn't it. Or maybe, the broad jump event at The Boston archdiocese.

Reminds me of the old Smothers Brothers routine...about the guy who falls into a vat of chocolate and screams "Fire". They come and rescue him. They ask him how come he yelled ,"Fire". His answer, "Cause nobody would come if I yelled 'chocolate". Now, I guess, they would!

for another take on this...http://www.steveklotz.com/blog

TALL STORIES

2007-03-30T05:34:00.000-05:00

Lots of TALL stories this week.

I know this will come as a complete shock to you but it seems that Attorney Generalissimo (to quote Bill Maher) Alberto Gonzales lied about his not being involved in the politically based firings of the eight US attorneys.

This point was brought home clearly when Harry Reid, Arlen Spector , Nancy Pelosi and six of the eight former prosecutors sang " Liar Liar, Pants on Fire. Your nose is longer than a telephone wire" at a recent press conference concerning Gonzales, immediately after an ex-aide testified that Gonzo wasn't telling the truth.

The Gonz-meister, shown above consulting with a Republican strategist, at his own hastily called press conference, mis -read his Karl Rove-prepared statement as , "I am not a crock". He is currently preparing for retirement,by signing a book deal and has a guest shot on The George Lopez Show ready to go.

Also this past week, from Reuters, "the world's tallest man, whose search for a bride covered the world, ended up marrying a woman from his home town nearly half his age and more than two feet shorter, Chinese media reported on Wednesday. Bao Xishun, 56, a 7-ft, 9-inch herdsman listed by Guinness World Records as the tallest living man, married a 29-year-old saleswoman, the Beijing News said. Both come from Chifeng in Inner Mongolia.It was the first wedding for Bao and his bride, Xia Shujuan, a mere 1.68 metres (5 ft 6 inches) tall.
"E-Halmony did the best they could", said Bao, "what with being from Inner Mongolia and the height thingie".

And finally....according to "Dotmusic", Michael Jackson, the King of Pop and a top Bush nominee to be the next Attorney General , is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports. It has now been claimed that his plans include an elaborate show in Vegas, which would feature the giant Jacko ("Giant Jacko"...their words, so help me, not mine) striding around the desert, firing laser beams. If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital. "

Also being built are five 18 foot tall smaller robots who will be invited to stay over at the new Giant Robot Kids Ranch . The robot, which is programmed to say "Danger , Will Robinson, Danger. Out of Anal lubricant" is too embarrassed to say anything else.

Think you're having a bad day......

2007-03-29T06:03:00.000-05:00

These were the front page stories in The Boston Globe today:
1,Fidelity to end employee pension plan
2.Transit and Roads face huge shortfall
3.Britain,Iran row heats up
4.Shi'ites kill dozens of Sunnis in revenge rampage
5. Breach of data at TJX is called the biggest ever
6. Schools running out of funds to upgrade computers.

But there's some bad news too, especially if your name is Lawrence Roach, 48, of Clearwater, Flori-duh. Seems Lawrence's former wife, Julia, had a gender change. She is now a man and her...his name is now 'Julio'.
However, the fact that she changed genders does not free her ex-husband from his alimony payments which were finalized in 2004.

His lawyers argued that since it is illegal in Flori-duh for a man to marry a man, the settlement is null and void. This makes sense to me, but I'm not well trained in the law, like the judge. The lawyers promised it'd be a slam-dunk...like the Iraq War, but alas this was not to be! The judge disagreed with this argument and Larry will continue paying the newly- formed 'Julio' alimony. I have a feeling that Lar won't be meeting Julio "down by the schoolyard" anytime soon, except to kick him in his brand new balls.

My rather sarcastic and quite humorous friend Steve Klotz (http://www.steveklotz.com/blog) always says to me "Why can't you be a man.....like your wife" when I'm complaining about being bossed around by my woman , an event that happens rarely, say about 99.9% of the time, ...................a lower percentage than Klotz's wife bosses him around, I might add.
Obviously Steve has been in touch with 'Julio' too...but I think Julio missed the sarcasm. I would think that this end result should have been re-considered as "irreconcilable differences" as in, "When I married her, er, him, he had a vagina....don't vagina's count for anything."

Judge Richard Hertz, nominated by former Flori-DUH Representative Mark Foley, simply answered, "And your point is......"

I'm sorry...so sorry

2007-03-28T05:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a day of apologies. In Maryland, according to the AP, state lawmakers approved an apology for the state's role in the slave trade expressing "profound regret" that it once "trafficked (sic) in human flesh". They must have been in a Colonial mood because they used the old word "trafficked". They made the mistake of literally writing it out like that too... and their S's wound up looking like "F's ......and today they apologized for actually apologizing yesterday for the "Flave" trade.

Following Maryland's lead, Egypt apologized for enslaving the Jews in 4200 BC and added, in a conciliatory tone, "but they built one hell of a pyramid".

They then sued various matzoh manufacturers saying, "We deserve a share of the profits for the last 4,000 years. Had we given them time to leave, the bread would have risen. We gave them one day, the bread didn't rise and basically that means we share in the invention of matzoh." The law firm of Achmed, Ali and Levine is handling the case.

Another apology came from Eric, last descendant of Proctodotus,King of the Visigoths ( 423-419 BC), for enslaving the ancient Croats and using them for paving. Eric, an investment banker working in Des Moines, said, "What exactly is a Croat?"

In Japan, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe offered his clearest apology yet, again according to AP, to women who suffered in Japan's WW2 military brothels. As many as 200,000 women of Korean and Chinese extraction were forced to work in these brothels to satisfy the needs of Japanese soldiers during the war.

The official government excuse has been ," This is the land of the Rising Sun' and during the war we needed to help our own 'Rising Sons', so to speak." In conclusion of this latest apology for slavery, Mr. Abe said,"Shit happens. Wal is herr".

His statement is coming a bit late as the war was over 62 years ago. The Junior League, champion of etiquette, said it is far too late to accept an apology and that Japan should have hand written notes to each sex slave in 1946, at the latest 1947.

Philly Phavorites

2007-03-26T05:08:00.000-05:00

About three weeks ago , a friend , with a layover at Philadelphia Airport (probably flying on USeless Air, the layover was six days, not one hour, as there was a one inch snow in Copenhagen) brought me a dozen Philly soft pretzels. Manna from heaven...and while one can order them off the web, it ain't the same as somebody bringing them to you. Being from Philly, my eyes widened and I immediately ate one, about one pound of dough, after putting a line of French's yellow mustard over the entire thing. It was delicious, though missing one basic taste element, bus fumes

. If you buy one on Market Street, the SEPTA bus fumes can make a taste difference. I'm sure jet fumes would be just as tasty, but alas , the windows are always closed in the terminal. The Philly soft pretzel has exactly the right amount of dough and is baked perfectly. Soft pretzels in Boston and New York are too thick, too doughy , too big and the crust isn't crispy enough.

It is one of God's great creations and was given to man as consolation for giving us The 1950's era Phillies.

As is the Philly steak sandwich. Yeah, yeah, you can go to a restaurant anywhere these days and get a "Philly steak", but trust me , they aren't the same. My favorite "steak sandwich description" was in Virginia. The menu read , "Thin slices of fillet sauteed onions and served on a long roll". If you see the words "fillet" and "sauteed" near a Philly steak sandwich item, fuhgeddabout it. Move on. If you see someone eating it and saying "This heah steak samwich is delicious", kill them.

Order something else , ethnic, perhaps Jewish, instead, "Jewish Corned Beef on a hard roll with lettuce and butter" ( a sign I actually saw in upstate PA once).

There are two reasons why steak sandwiches in Philly taste better:
1. Its the rolls and 2. "The Altered Steaks theory"... Remember the movie "Altered States".....you're actually related to the very first human...you have to be...and you can genetically get yourself back there. Same with cheese steaks. All Philly steaks are related to all those that came before on the same grill...and that grill has cooked nothing but cheese steaks since 1924. You're actually ingesting a molecule of the original one baked on that grill.

A bit later I shall extol on that other Philly phavorite, Tastykakes....and perhaps essay on hoagies as well.....order a "sub" in Philly, they'll send you to the Navy Yard.

"Two Balls Rising"...whats new at The Grand Canyon

2007-03-23T06:08:00.000-05:00

You've probably wondered why I never became an astronaut......a parajumper..... a house painter.....or a lightbulb changer for radio antenna!

I hate unenclosed heights. My testicles begin to recede into my abdomen at the thought. So , when I was in Arizona earlier this week, just looking at the TV as they showed the grand opening of the new U-shaped skywalk at the Grand Canyon..... the one which sticks out over the canyon...... the one with the glass floor which gives you a view to the bottom of the canyon.......... that canyon floor being 4000 feet below. ......my nuts receded so far up, they thought I had a brain tumor!

"Check your testicles as you enter, take an ID tag and when you come off the skywalk, be sure you match the tag number to the the right set of nuts because many testicles look alike.", the sign says. They learned that from the baggage carousel at the airport. There's about 8 white guys, I hear, walking around this week with brown nuts as they were totally disoriented after leaving the skywalk.

"These aren't mine", one, a Mr. Meckler , said. "Please keep them" , said his wife.

I think Buzz Aldrin made the first ceremonial walk on the skywalk.......and was bright green when he walked off.

What in hell is holding this thing up? Super Glue? I mean we're the country that built the levees in New Orleans. I just about puked when I went to the Canyon a few years ago and stood on the edge (kind of) and "tried" to look down. I stood there long enough to see a swarm of mosquitoes flying halfway down the canyon.....turns out they were helicopters!

Many people see the skywalk as a sacrilege to a beautiful natural place.Of course it is. Our idea of a sacred place is how much profit we can glean from it...... "Get your Battle of Gettysburg T-shirts heah" is the real battle cry.

Many are concerned that the ancient gods of the Native Americans may be angered. Turns out they couldn't care less. I asked the Native American God of Heights, Two Balls Rising, what he thought and he said, "Put out the incense, damnit, I'm already sick in the stomach just from watching them build it".

I asked him how they name Indian children. He said they are named after an outstanding and obvious quality.

I hope you enjoyed today's blog. Sincerely
One Jew Puking

March Madness

2007-03-22T06:17:00.000-05:00

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall
Who's the dumbest shit of all?

I wonder what George W. Bush sees when he looks in the mirror. My guess is ........

I seem to remember the schmuck above had an awful lot to hide about 30 years ago and his blustery crapola about subpoenas didn't work out either. It was some sort of crap about protecting the office of the Presidency, blah, blah, blah! Try to remember...this guy works for us!

Has anyone else noticed how worry free Alfred E. President looks these days. Most wartime presidents look like shit, but this guy looks just fine, healthier than ever as he giggles and stumbles his way through the world. We pay little attention.

We worry more about March Madness, the NCAA basketball tourney.

Just a reminder today...here's some real March Madness...and please note the ages of these recently killed soldiers and Marines in Iraq .......and then ask yourself, "Think Butler can pull it off and win the title" and note, a few of these folks are just a little older than "Sweet Sixteen":
Lance Corporal Dennis Veator , age 20 of PA
Specialist Jonathan Smith, 19, of Atlanta
Sergeant Daniel Woodcock, 25 of Alaska
Sergeant Tom Latham, 23 , of Maryland
Corporal Nathaniel Windsor , 23, of Oregon
Corporal Angel Rose, 21, of Maine
Sgt. Robert Carr, 22, 0f Ohio
Private Alberto Garcia Jr., 23, of California
Corporal Steve Chavez, 20, Of New Mexico
Specialist Adam Rosema,27 of California
Brian Chevalier,21, of Georgia
Corporal Ray Holzhauer, 19, of Illinois
Private Jim Arnold,21, of Michigan

US Airways and Logan Airport.....A Match made in Hell.

2007-03-21T07:28:00.000-05:00

I readily admit it could have been worse....
from USA Today yesterday: "A first class passenger on a flight from Delhi to London awoke to find the body of a woman who had died in the economy cabin placed in a seat near him....The economy section was full and the cabin crew needed to move the woman and her family...as...the first class cabin allowed the family members...some level of privacy on the February flight."

While we were waiting for our luggage at Boston's Logan airport last night, a woman said to me, "It's like a cattle car". and I responded, "No, at least on a cattle car, they kill you at the end to finish your misery".

Seems British Air has the right idea.....though they could have woke the guy to let him know. "Sir, we'd like you to meet your new seatmate"

Our flight home to Boston landed at at 10:45 PM (15 minutes early) from Phoenix, though four 1/2 days late due to a cancelled flight because of snow last Friday. It took them ten minutes to open the door once we were at the gate because, the pilot said, "We surprised them and they weren't ready for us."

I must assume no US Airways flight has ever arrived early before. There were no other planes landing and the terminal was completely empty when we finally disembarked at 11, as they must have awakened Bobo the gate attendant to find a jetway.

The luggage arrived , with no other planes there, at 11:45 pm....one hour later. Well, that's when the carousel started spinning anyway. At midnight I retrieved my bag... as bags were placed 6 to 8 feet apart... it was the last one off. Yep, over an hour since landing to get a bag, when 1.there no other flights in and 2. no other baggage. Maybe Air Botswana would have been the better choice.

Note please that Boston is statistically one of the lowest airports for bag transfer to another flight. Most bags terminate there. The only combo possibly worse than US Airways and Logan would be Richard Nixon and Golda Meir teaming up as a couple on "Dancing with the Stars". On the way to baggage, down a long corridor, there were ,at least, 500 bags stranded, unclaimed from cancelled flights over the weekend, all this due to a 7", long-melted-away, snow.

From now on, when I need to travel anywhere closer than Sydney, I'm driving...and that includes The Falkland Islands.

Back to politics tomorrow

The GIANT Airbus...My heart will go on!

2007-03-20T09:05:00.000-05:00

I'm still in Phoenix , but I printed my boarding pass and will join my fellow "tens of thousands of passengers stranded" heading back home today on US Airways, "The Wings of Ostriches" (which, by the way, is a flightless bird).

Air travel is in the news today. Yesterday two giant A380 Airbus' landed simultaneously in New York and Los Angeles. That's good news and bad news as they were flying for US Scare as a demonstration and were heading for Chicago and Atlanta.

But the good news is that the giant 800 plus passenger jets both landed safely . I can only imagine the joy when one of it's future flights are cancelled. Today's airlines can't find room for cancelled passengers if the plane was a regional 60 seat jet. 853 passengers....come on ...."Yessir, Mr. Jake, because you checked with us early after cancellation , we can rebook your ass in a seat sometime next October".

Remember Titanic. bigger...Bigger ....BIGGER. I understand that on yesterday's flight, Leonardo Di Caprio held Kate Winslet onto the front of the plane as it taxied down the Frankfurt runway for takeoff, "I'm the king of the wor....." , he yelled, not finishing the sentence before he was blown off the nosecone.

How long will it take to board an A380? "Folks in Zone 60...please wait your turn. We're only pre-boarding those whose cancer has metastasized during the wait".
By the time you get off the thing, if you're in row 70, the person waiting to pick you up will have evolved......"Honey, didn't you used to have a pinky toe"......and she'll answer in a Conehead-like robotic trill....."We do not need those anymore! Where have you been? You've never met your grandclones!"

Well, its big like the Titanic........now they can legitimately have steerage. No, wait, that won't work...they fed them.

Stuck in Arizona... in a hotel made of stone-ah

2007-03-18T12:09:00.000-05:00

First of all I apologise for the lack of blogs last week; a business trip pulled me away to Arizona ...and a snowstorm has kept me from returning to my kith and kin ...and even from my kin that don't kith me. I will be blogging on a normal schedule this week since I now have the time.
US Air /America West cancelled my Saturday morning flight back to Boston on Friday night.....it took me three hours to get them on the phone.....and the only seat back to New England was Tuesday at 3pm. They did tell me they could get me to either Charlotte or Pittsburgh on the plane above, but no closer to New England than that.

I asked the agent who helped me "What good would that do? How stupid ! What is your name?.

He answered "Ron Dumsfeld", and told me he had just started with the airline after losing his last position and reminded me , "You have to fly with the airline you have , not the airline you wish you had?". Can't argue with logic....and considering it's 85 and sunny, well, I could have been stuck in Fargo, ND. US Airways tried. I'm not mad.

So I am learning about Arizona from the daily Arizona Republic and if I'm reading it correctly , John McCain , their Senator, is about as well respected these days as Dick Cheney's target shooting aim.
Seems the former rebel McCain, the outsider, the free thinker has experienced some backlash since he decided to kiss Bush's ass for the last six years. Now the rebel, the outsider, the free thinker can't even speak out against US Attorney General Alberto VO-5's decision to fire those prosecutors, including the very popular and well respected Federal prosecutor for Arizona, Mr. Charlton.

McCain, shown preparing for next meeting with the President, commented , "You run for president with the brown nose you have, not the brown nose you wish you had!", and then probably got my seat back to New England on America West from Phoenix.

The Arizona Republic also reported today that three scuba divers drowned exploring a sunken wreck off the Florida Keys. The article said, "It is not immediately clear how the three , all from New Jersey, died, but they didn't have enough tanks,did not have a dive plan and did not have dive reels with them to show them the way off the wreck".

Hmm, my bet is that they died from drowning and stupidity.

Perhaps they should have vacationed out here in Arizona....where the closest ship to explore is the ship of the desert.Gets tougher and tougher for the Republicans in 2008 as their smartest voters keep dying off, doesn't it?

Mysteries of the Underworld Explained

2007-03-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

According to Reuters,"A team of British scientists has set sail on a voyage to examine why a huge chunk of the earth's crust is missing, deep under the Atlantic Ocean -- a phenomenon that challenges conventional ideas about how the earth works."

The Earth responded, "I ain't working. I'm collecting unemployment"

One answer, as explained by the science experts of the anti-Global Warming crowd is that "the Earth is obviously on the low carb Zone diet and has decided to eliminate the crust in order to cut down on the carbs". Sadly, they never returned from their journey of exploration as their ship fell off the edge of the Earth.

What's in the hole, miles down, where you can actually see the mantle?

Truth be told, the Brits aren't the first to explore it. Looking into the hole a few years ago, MassPube Scientific Research ,with financial help from the science wing of Reverend Ted Haggard's new "Church of the Almighty Jelly Products", discovered that the hole was actually opened by the Devil ...

.....who, after years of keeping it hidden wanted to show off his mantle ...... so visitors could see the many Christmas cards he has received from Ann Coulter, James Carville and Osama Bin Laden over the years, all prominently displayed on his mantle.

"Nobody's visited until now, except for Bin Laden, who has , heh heh, 'Bin here' in the hole hiding out..", the Devil said, "Everybody always supposed he was my pal. Now they can see it for themselves, but frankly the bastard's like 'the man who came to dinner'. He won't leave. Carville always sends me a photo card but I think it's just because we look alike. And Ms. Coulter was my only match on E-Harmony, but the date didn't work out. She said I was "hot", but she was too caustic for me. I'm lonely."

Taxing situations...your Government at work

2007-03-12T06:40:00.000-05:00

Doing your taxes?

I am...and I'm getting mightily screwed due to a mix of IRA's vs. pension plans and tons of bad information. But, like a schmuck, I'll pay what I owe.

In an odd segue, everybody's talking about the potential of President "DooDooBallHead" pardoning Scooter Libby. He wouldn't be the first to pardon a pal and here's the segue.......Just so you remember, on his last day in office, Bill Clinton pardoned Marc Rich who had spent 17 years abroad to avoid trial on charges of income tax evasion....he hadn't paid (and probably still hasn't) taxes of $48 million bucks. He was pardoned, it is thought, because he had contributed heavily to the Clintons. Congress investigated and found nothing wrong. What a surprise!!!

In the course of that investigation, they found that I had wrongly deducted a ball point pen (government evidence, left) that I had purchased and that I owed the government .0222 cents and immediately impounded my car.

Tax dollars at work here in Massachusetts : It turns out that Mrs. Governor Deval Patrick is now suffering from exhaustion and depression, just six weeks and approximately six giant mistakes into her husband's term. The governor, Mr. "Mrs Deval Patrick", has announced he will take time off with flex hours to care for his wife. That's OK and the state government, America's first name in honesty, informs us all that, praise Jesus, Deval is still the guy in charge.

One of his giant mistakes was hiring a political crony at $72,000.00 per annum of taxpayer money to be his wife's full time appointments secretary; a brand new position he created.
The role of the appointments secretary for a woman who has no appointments can be quite taxing and one must be very dextrous, as shown above by Rosemary Woods, President Nixon's old secretary.

But Mrs. Patrick is a full time, major partner at a giant law firm in Boston, a position she maintains. Why in hell does she need an $72,000.00 a year appointments secretary for her work as First Lady? But my real question is, now that she's suffering from "exhaustion and depression" and cannot work, are we still paying the $72,000.00 a year to the appointments secretary when Mrs. P is so ill that she can't handle any appointments.

As long as the tax money is put to good use and everybody's treated fairly. Maybe I won't pay this year and just wait until I owe $48 million!!

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed.....

2007-03-11T07:47:00.000-05:00

On CNN's Paula Zahn Now, I heard an idiot guest named Mark Smith, as they were talking about how 60% of Americans think the Iraq War is a failure, say, "George Bush is a victim of his own success." You may want to read that again. I must note that a statement like this gives me hope......hope that someday I'll be able to find a drug that good, to paraphrase Lewis Black.
Mr. Smith said that because we have not been attacked since 9/11, the war is a success....because over 3000 Americans were killed that day and none in 'the homeland' since.

Mr. Smith seems to have forgotten the over 3,000 Americans killed in Iraq plus the over 24,000 Americans injured are Americans too. And it's about the 1400th day since "Mission Accomplished", which must be why we are 'surging' our troops. It's such a success
Perhaps Al Quaida has learned from the old cliche, "if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then the Mohammed will go to the mountain". Interesting choice of prophets ....and why waste money flying here, when we'll come to them for the slaughter.

Mr. Smith's 'success' also is costing us trillions of dollars, trillions against we are mortgaging the future of our country. Our 27th generation of grandchildren should have the interest paid off by 3674 AD.

We don't have the money to pay for anything else, so don't be surprised when your federal subsidies dry up, like college loans, etc. Here's a tiny example:

Acdording to AP, there's a little known Federal subsidy that funnels millions of dollars to rural communities in the west, but it's ending .....and forcing Western US rural towns to close libraries, schools, reduce police forces and put off road repairs. Fifteen library branches in rural Jackson County ,OR alone will close. "We're building libraries in Iraq" says a library patron out there, "and we are not funding them in Jackson County".
Well, President Baboon never reads anyway, so he doesn't feel the pain. How many times can he renew "My Pet Goat".
In Alpine County ,California, if the subsidy ends, two of their six schools bite the bullet.
In Arizona's Greentree County, they will close a school for special education students.
Oregon's Harney County will cut its road crews , so snow plowing will be lessened. Judge Steve Grasty said, "The covered wagons used to say 'Oregon or Bust'. They were right. We're busted". Coos County, Oregon is laying off 38 folks in the Sheriff's department alone.

Here's to another Bush era economic success story..... Wasn't Ken Lay a friend of Bush's too.

361 Illegal Immigrants arrested at work! Their employer...OUT ON BAIL

2007-03-09T06:21:00.000-05:00

In New Bedford, MA. a raid by immigration agents two days ago on Michael Bianco Inc., a leather goods maker, netted 361 illegals working in sweat shop conditions in the factory. They were arrested and some are still being held.

Yeah, yeah, I feel bad because most of them were just hard working, decent people who snuck across the border, some paying as much as $4500.00 to smugglers to get them across, in order to have a better life for themselves and their kids.

But they were here illegally and , sorry, illegal is illegal! The big bad government has even let a few home so their kids are cared for. Many are still being held and most will be deported...or let loose once again when the government loses track of them, which, by the way, they will.

But who is to blame.....it's a man named FRANCESCO INSOLIA who owns the company. He hired them all.

He's out on bail and , guess what, he's back at his desk running the company. Insolia has reaped over $50,000.00 in tax breaks since 2004 because HE WAS EXPANDING THE COMPANY.

Mr. Insolia's HR department wishes to thank the producers of BEN HUR for the use of their drummer in the Roman slave galley from the film to set the tempo of work and conditions at MICHAEL BIANCO INC.

FYI in 2004 he expanded his business because he had a $138 million FEDERAL CONTRACT in hand.

How about this asshole/bastard serve a year for every illegal he hired. He's the cause , not them and maybe a $10,000.00 fine for every one too!

How about he serves here....

He can write the book and I can't wait to see the movie

Governor Deval Patrick of "Mass-UR-chusetts"

2007-03-07T07:15:00.000-05:00

There was an ancient city in Babylonia named Ur. Legend has it that it was peopled by politicians who , when called to task, constantly said , "Ur,er, I didn't mean to do that." That's what the ancient scroll to the left translates to.

I believe that's where the word "error" originated, though I could be wrong.

Elected under the slogan "Together We Can", Deval Patrick, a Democrat, was in big trouble two weeks ago because, with the state having a billion dollar deficit ( a gift from our last Governor, Mitt Romney) ....

1. Governor Patrick hired a full time appointments secretary for his wife at $72,000.00 a year. The woman he hired was a political crony. His wife is a highly paid,top level partner at a major law firm and works full time at that job. Under fire, he refused to fire the new secretary saying "Together we can.....pay for the appointments secretary".

2. He spent $27,000.00 to redecorate his office in our bankrupt state. The outcry was so great that, after the public wanted to string him up outside the State House with the cord from his new $10,000.00 damask drapes, he said he'd pay for that himself ........and also $400.00 or so a month to help pay on the lease of his new state Caddy, as he decided the Crown Vic they had wasn't good enough. See, Together we can....keep Deval's lifestyle of the rich and famous at that level.

Where will he get the money? Well, he's rich ... and part of that wealth came from being , please sit down, a $360,000.00 per annum member of The Board of Directors of ACC Capitol. The board met for four or five minutes per year, maybe they were meetings, but who's counting....it was still four or five times a year.

FOLLOW THE MONEY.....
ACC Capitol owns Ameriquest Mortgage which is under big time investigation because of shady dealings. Ameriquest needs a loan, a BIG loan, and is trying to get it from Bank of America.

Bank of America has tremendous dealings within the state of Massachusetts and is regulated by the state.

Two days ago, on a request from Ameriquest, Deval ... saying he was acting as a private citizen, not as Governor ..... called Bank of America and gave a hearty reference for the thieving bastards of Ameriquest to Bank of America. Though he didn't say it, the implication is that "well, if you don't help out, next time we regulate you....let me be blunt "together we can't".

So, the headline in The Boston Globe was "Patrick says he erred in call to firm". There's that "Ur" word again.

Some are saying he got bad advice or none. Yeah, right! This guy was a big time corporate lawyer. He was a US attorney. It has nothing to do with advice. Shouldn't he know better? I'd bet that you do...and I don't even know you. It has to do with his sense of entitlement and his sense that he can do "together with us" whatever the hell he wants.

In his eight weeks as Governor, the one good thing he's proposed, which won't work anyway, is raising the dropout age to 18 from 16. This is an idea first espoused during the campaign by his Republican opponent, Kerry "Muffy" Healy.

Other than that, we basically pay this guy to apologise for stuff he knows is wrong and thinks he can get away with until he's caught.

No hits. No runs. Lots of Ur'ers, Deval!

Maybe thats why we pronounce it "MassURchusetts.

Old 'Plame' haunts the Scoot-meister

2007-03-06T16:44:00.000-05:00

CALL ME 'LEWIS'

I read that the jury had great sympathy for Lewis "Scooter" Libby, but not quite enough to exonerate him since his excuse "I forgot" didn't make sense in light of the evidence, which sadly, is what makes him guilty.

All this regarding the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame because her husband, Joe Wilson, accused the White House gang of making up intelligence regarding the reasons to invade Iraq. They did???? I'm shocked!

Who needs a trial?

For God's sake, Libby is 60 years old and is still called "Scooter". What more evidence of guilt does one need. I had a friend named "Lipschitz " when I was a kid. We stopped calling him "Shitlips" when he turned 18. Scoots-man, to every thing there is a season. Turn, turn, turn!

And he was Cheney's chief of Staff....sounds like an honest guy to me. I can only imagine the alumni dinner at Andover five years ago: conversation best with clenched teeth....

"Air hellair, Scootsmeister, so where are you these days"
"I'm an agent for the devil"
Oh, ahv course,and how is Dickie".

Now where did we store that guillotine?

Libby was convicted of one count of obstruction, two counts of perjury , one count of lying to the FBI and one count of still being called "Scooter".

His attorney said that he was disappointed in the verdict. Of course, if you looked closely into the attorneys eyes, his eyeballs had become number counters as they clicked on upwards, like that deficit clock, counting his billable hours for the appeal. I don't think the attorney was that disappointed at all.

"Let me restate, we are very disappointed", as he realized that he could charge $3503.50 for that re-statement.

Poor widdle Scooter.....Is he a scapegoat for Dickie, Georgie and Rover. Well, Scoots, when you sleep with the pigs .........But I defend you heartily, Scootsie....while many say you aren't fit to sleep with the pigs, I say you are.

Romney of Remulak

2007-03-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

Remember The Coneheads from the planet Remulak.... the two aliens with the pointy heads played by Dan Ackroyd and Jane Curtin from Saturday Night Live. They always worried about how to explain where they're from ......and Ackroyd's "Beldar Conehead" always answered in his high tech tribble, "Tell them we're from France".

Now we have the Mitt-heads. Because Mitt "Aren't I good looking. No, really aren't I" Romney's chief "bogeyman" .....the one that he will use to appeal to the conservative crowd is ......drum roll, please..................FRANCE. Yep, that's according to his own campaign game plan.

Treacherous Gift of the BOGEY-PEOPLE shown below

In fact, just before a Conservative Republican PAC conference two weeks ago, he nervously said to Mrs. Romney "If they ask, tell them we're from Remulak. It'll play better than Massachusetts where I was just Governor, honey, really it will".

Real 'merican's don't like France because they didn't support us when President DooDooBrain decided to invade Iraq. They didn't join the Orwellian -named "Coalition of the Willing" because their intelligence service was saying our intelligence was full of crap. Boy, those French, they're really stupid, aren't they. Ahem.

In fact a Republican Congressman, another real 'merican named Robert Ney of Ohio a guy who really knows what makes the GOP tick, jumped on the anti-France bandwagon when he ordered, at the war's beginning, that the US Capitol cafeteria rename French Fries "Freedom Fries". God Bless Mr. Ney!

Sadly, Mr. Ney is currently unavailable for comment as I believe he is in prison after the Congressman pleaded guilty to taking bribes in a really big bribery case. Yes, he pleaded guilty, but I think he was set up by the French.

Hard to swallow without them freedom fries on the plate, ain't it, Bob?

As Peter Canellos put it in The Boston Globe, "It's not the French to whom Romney is condescending;he seems to think GOP primary voters have brie for brains".

Hmmmm.......Romney won the straw poll at the conservative meeting he attended . Turns out they do have brie for brains and , fyi, Remulak has announced they're planning to send a lot of delegates to the convention.

A Heartbeat Away

2007-03-06T06:45:00.000-05:00

Dick Cheney has a blood clot in his leg. I only wish Leg Cheney had a blood clot in his dick, but you can't always get what you want, as the old refrain goes.

Bill Maher had a great line about the Taliban missing Cheney last week when they shot a rocket into the base he was visiting in Afghanistan because "it was a daylight raid and he was safely asleep in his coffin".

As much as I can't stand the crazy bastard, some people expressed sorrow that the Taliban missed him. Their bad! Who do they think they are, Ann Coulter? We elected him twice as VP and we're stuck with him til he croaks or leaves office. That's the way it goes. Maybe we should be more careful next time and try to elect someone who doesn't actually sneer when he talks.

Well, if you don't understand history, you're doomed to repeat it.

See, if you haven't noticed,Republican presidents are notorious for bad Vice Presidents.

Eisenhower gave us Richard Nixon who was so crazy he makes Cheney look like Dr. Phil.
He wound up being the only president who resigned from office ......but not before he served 5 years with his VP, Spiro T. Agnew , the corrupt Governor of Maryland, who also resigned, pleading "nolo contendre" to charges of bribery and corruption.

Then we got...........

...a nothing Senator from Indiana who who couldn't pluralize 'potato' and who gave us these brilliant quotes:
1.I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
2. I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
3.Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
4.The future will be better tomorrow.
5.We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
6.Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
7.What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
8.[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
9.Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
10.One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I'm expecting next year's Republican nominee to pick either Whitey Bulger or Schlomo the Wonder Clam.

Speaking of VP's, Tom Eagleton died two days ago. Eagleton was a four or five term Senator from Missouri and, most famously, George McGovern's Vice Presidential running mate in 1972 for about ten minutes .

He was dumped after it was discovered that he had undergone serious treatment for psychological problems, especially depression after campaigning.

Well, it was the days before Prozac. Good thing McGovern dumped him as he was worried that the American people considered him unfit for office...so we elected Agnew for another term.

Well, if you don't understand history, you're doomed to repeat it.

Conservative Republicans lead us to Morality last weekend.

2007-03-05T06:13:00.000-05:00

Back in 1892 or so, the great American journalist and satirist Ambrose Bierce, writing for William Randolph Hearst's San Francisco Examiner, his home paper, wrote this about female journalists,"I disapprove of the Daughters of Thunder moving into male employments.......making the usual 'henarchist' complaints......with brainettes made of gray batter".

Hmmm. Brainettes of gray batter???

Well, I guess he never heard of Molly Ivins and Maureen Dowd and so many others , but I have a feeling he was probably thinking of the one and only Ann Coulter ....Ooo, Ooo, Witchy Woman,
who, this past Saturday, called Senator John Edwards a "faggot" (actually she said ,"I'd call him a faggot, but then I'd have to go into rehab") at a meeting of Republican conservatives ......this after her comments a few months ago when the big mouth pretty much called the 9-11 widows " harpies". For that, she got onto The Today Show".

She got tons of laughter and , I'm sure, applause for the "faggot" comment ..... and then was condemned by leading Republican candidates/ meeting speakers, like Giuliani, McCain and Mitt "aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I" Romney who all play "Let's Pretend" when it comes to conservatism, and will kiss anybody's ass to get nominated.

Note two of them come from arch conservative places like New York City and Massachusetts where they held positions of high power. How conservative can the three of them be?
Romney claims he was just kidding when he espoused the opposite positions on everything 5 years ago when he ran and won the governorship of Massachusetts.

McCain, a great Bush supporter, has kissed President Stupid's ass for six years now, even after his family was seriously insulted by Karl Rove in the 2000 campaign.... like Ann Coulter might do to him ......and is losing caucus after caucus in Arizona , his home state, while supporting Bush.

Giuliani perhaps sticks to his guns, but he still kisses ass. Divorced, lived with a woman, shared an apartment with a couple of Edwards, I mean faggots, damn I mean, gay people, and he's pro-choice. Taste good, Rudy? Like who you're sharing the stage with these days?

Coulter is an arch conservative and as Ralph Kramden would say, she "has a biiiiiii-gggggg mouth".

Basically , Ms Coulter is a national disgrace. She's simply pathetic, but she's always invited to the party. The great morality the conservative Republicans espouse includes an awful lot of name calling and a completely insane Vice President (and Lord of the Underworld) who tells Democratic senators to "fuck off" on the Senate floor.

Potty mouths. Nobody stood up at the meeting and said "that's out of line" and threw her off the stage. She gets away with it every time and she'll keep doing it. So , I'll ask you, Ms. Coulter, at long last, have you no shame?

Conservatives , by definition, like the old ways. Perhaps they should read more Bierce....or maybe they are and missing the satire.

And as for Ms. Coulter, I'm just waiting for you too to shave off those long, blond locks when you really go off the deep end. I'm sure many hope, that when you do, you will have forgotten to fill the pool. I am among them, Tootsie!

My PUN-derful Working Life

2007-03-03T06:49:00.000-05:00

Before I was a blogger....

I was a major league umpire who joined AA because I couldn't handle the boo's.

For years I did play by play for the Red Sox, but took a job in Oakland where I quickly became an Athletic supporter......It really made me feel like a jock.

I hosted a radio show for lumberjacks but quit 'cause it was all talk and no ax'in.

I tried silver smithing, made one mistake and my reputation became tarnished.

I sang with the landscapers choir, but quit when my voice got to gravelly.

I taught cha-cha, but it was a step backwards.

See ya Monday!

GAY-dar alert...watch out for assholes !

2007-03-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on the radio I heard that the Castro district of San Francisco, which is heavily gay in that heavily gay city, is in danger of turning 'hetero' as straight people begin to move in. According to a spokesperson, the gay people who live there are quite concerned and said, if I may paraphrase, that the straights are legally welcome but not really and they better not try to change the flavor (penis flavor, I guess) of the community....or they can freaking leave. I have a feeling that the straights are about as welcome as Irving and Rosalie Ginsburg would be if they moved into Hitler's bunker. The spokesmen for the gay community sounded like a first class bigot and asshole.

The radio host, Howie Carr of Boston's WRKO, asked if gay people would put up with the same insulting comments from straight people. Of course, the answer is NO. There'd be lawsuits and spokespeople and outrage from the community and political leaders, as well there should be. However , in this case, nobody said 'boo' (no offense to ghosts) about the asshole's words because that would be taboo.

Just a few miles up the road from San Francisco, in one of my favorite places, Santa Rosa, California, a high school student named Rebekah Rice was continually harassed because she's Mormon. Asked by her fellow students exactly "how many moms" she had , she responded, "that's so gay". God, kids can be such assholes.

In kid talk, , that phrase means "that's so stupid" and it's just part of the lexicon. I doubt if they associate it with being homosexual, but that didn't stop the school from noting this horrific insult to gay people in her "permanent record" and giving her a stern warning about using "hate speech".

The students who were mocking her weren't punished at all, according to the AP report...and Rebekkah's parents are now suing the district since the district "never sought to shield Rebekah from teasing based on Mormon stereotypes" and also asking that the note on her permanent record be expunged. Go for it, Mr and Mrs Rice.

Am I anti-gay? Absolutely not. I'm simply anti-asshole! I've known lots of gay people, worked with many and some were assholes and some weren't. In fact , I always wondered why I even knew they were gay. Why's that my business? They never knew I have sex with livestock on a regular basis because my sexual preferences are nobody's business. ....except,of course, for the sheep. Everybody laughed at me 'cause I picked the ugliest one, but beauty's in the eye of the beholder, ain't it

For this year's 'holiday' pageant at Maria Carillo High School, might I recommend the song be changed to "Don we now our politically correct apparel, fa la la, la la la, LA LA LA".

Can you imagine if they took my advice. Boy, that would be so gay!!!!

Todays MASSPUBE brought to you by YOUR NAME HERE

2007-03-01T06:44:00.000-05:00

Today's Boston Globe sports front page featured a picture of Red Sox pitcher Jonathan Papelbon strutting out to the spring training field in his red Red Sox shirt. Equally visible and in perfect contrast was a sign next to him that said "State Farm Insurance".

"Auto,Life, Fire" , by the way.

On the true front page of The Globe today, there was a story about Citizens Bank buying the naming rights to a 16 field youth soccer complex in Lancaster, Massachusetts. So instead of a soccer mom taking her kid to the soccer field, she now will be taking him or her to "Citizens Bank Fields at Progin Park".

What's next? This life guard stand brought to you by Life Savers...."What's that? Can't hear you. You're sucking on an Altoid? Sorry, pal, keep screaming for help and next time, think twice about what you put in your mouth....before you swim !"

Years ago a friend's synagogue in Long Island needed a new Torah. These can be very expensive especially since "Torahs R'Us" went under. ...and yes, they had to pay retail for it. They decided to have local businesses sponsor the purchase of the new Torah.

Although the new finished Torah read properly, we felt it would have been better if they really had sponsorship in the Torah so the sponsors got their money's worth, so to speak, as in " and so Moses and his the Jews walked the desert for forty years but they wouldn't have made it without buying their high quality Bierkenstock sandals from Bernstein's Shoes , 19728 Sunshine Highway in Great Neck serving the community since 1957, open six days a weeks 10-7 for your shopping convenience".

"and so the one day supply of oil lasted eight days and the Jews were saved from destruction yet again. If God hadn't stepped in, they could have called Rabinowitz Oil Supply and Furnace Repair, 24 hour service at a low monthly fee. If you've met a moil, call Rabinowitz Oil".

Here in Boston, the archdiocese is selling off everything they can to pay the zillions they have to in the child abuse scandal. Why not?......"This section of today's Mass brought to you by "For the Love of St. Peter" Petroleum Jelly, the choice of the archdiocese for years."

Animal House

2007-02-28T07:22:00.000-05:00

1. At Depauw University in Indiana, 23 girls who are overweight and/or not so pretty by sorority standards were summarily tossed out of the Delta Zeta sorority. Know as "The Doghouse", the sorority hopes to change it's image. They are renaming it the "Ku Klux Kuties" as the final stage of the image change.

Greek Board president, Peter Gozinya of Eata Pisa Pi fraternity, said , "It's about time. Looks are everything to us here in Indiana". Gozinya, also chairman of the campus "Romney for President " club, continued, " They once all came to one of our parties and it lowered the 'looks' index by 10 points. We can't have that!". The 23 expelled members are now said to be forming thier own sorority ... and plan to have their float, tentatively called "The Deathmobile", in this year's Greek parade through town.

Tammy Pon (left), Delta Zeta president said, "It's not like we have like hard feelings. Like good luck with their float. I hope they like win first prize, actually I like hope they win 2nd prize because good looking girls should win first prize".

2. At The Denver Zoo a few days ago, a jaguar killed it's 27 year old keeper when she entered it's cage alone. The jaguar was the nicer of two owned by the zoo in La Paz , Bolivia which had sent the cat to Denver. It's name was "Jorge" or "George" and it was named for George W. Bush. It's much meaner brother was so mean that La Paz keepers named it "Osama".

Zookeepers described "Jorge" as "nice but really ,really stupid". His last words, just before they killed him, were "We must stay the course in Iraq because we're winning". The zookeepers said as they removed the carcass, "See what we mean!".
In Jorge's cage, zookeepers found electronic equipment which they believe he was using to monitor the howls and barks of other Denver zoo animals, brush clearing equipment, and a half read copy of a book entitled, "My Pet Goat" which, in this case, was a cookbook.
In La Paz, over 5,000 zookeepers searched the fiberglass fake cave in Osama's cage, but cannot find him anywhere. "We have no idea where he is.", said head zookeeper Jose Ken Usee. Meanwhile a disgruntled , fired keeper, Al Jezeera, said he has a tape of the missing animal.

A case of MITT-staken identity

2007-02-27T06:35:00.000-05:00

Mitt "aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I ?" Romney, is running radio ads, many on Boston radio (which seeps into New Hampshire) saying how he turned the state of Massachusetts around. He's so freaking stupid, we hear them here in Tax-achusetts and ,FYI, he left the state with a billion dollar deficit.

It reminds me of comedian Pat Paulsen's phony campaign in 1968 where no matter what city he was in, he started his speech by saying "this is the most beautiful city I've ever been to" as though nobody heard it before.

The Boston Globe obtained a document , published on today's front page, which lists the Romney campaign's perception of how to procede with the phony bastard's campaign. It should be on Comedy Central.

His campaign and yours truly are finally on the same page concerning him because it says that the negatives he must overcome are 1) he's a phony, 2) he's a political opportunist, 3) he's not a war leader and 4) he's a rapacious Republican businessman. I believe he's decided on the continued use of number 1) in order to overcome 2), 3) and 4).

According to the document, the best "bogeymen" for him to run against (please sit before reading in case you fall over laughing) are:

1) France ...enjoy your Liberty fries, Mitt. If that don't work, don't eat any Danish or English muffins either.

Mitt, are those the French Alps or good old American Alps behind you? Inquiring minds want to know!

2)Taxes ....remember the billion dollar deficit, please
3)Massachusetts .......where he's lived for forty years and was it's Governor until 6 weeks ago. 4)Hollywood values.....from the folks who gave us "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" and "Finding Nemo"
5) Moral relativism ...... my morals say don't be a phony, Mitt. You're right, we have different standards.
6)Hilary Clinton ...... Jesus, Mitt, what if she doesn't get the nomination? Barack Obama and John Edwards thank you!
7)Jihadism..... You're really out on a limb and here I thought you had no balls. Most of the other candidates are for it.

But he's an Honorable man and I've decided to be a good guy and write him his first speech. " Elect me because I'm a man of high morals unlike Hilary Clinton who is a man without morals. She's actually been to France and has eaten what I consider to be their pro-Jihadism toast at breakfast many times, even when in the USA. Unlike our current president who is from Taxes, I'm from , yuccch, Massachusetts which I hope to leave as soon as I become your president and get their liberal stink off of me. Thank you and God bless the United States of America except for Hollywood which has no moral relativism, but I am good looking enough to be a movie star there if only they'd call .... because really I am good looking, aren't I".

Bush challenges Gore's Oscar victory

2007-02-26T07:59:00.000-05:00

While it may look like former Veep and actual winner of the 2000 presidential election Al Gore won an Oscar last night for his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth", it'll be up to the US Supreme Court to make the final decision.

The suspense is due to The Republican National Committee challenging the Price Waterhouse balloting and saying that there were hanging chads on the ballots .... and that George W. Bush's documentary, "A Convenient Truth. I really am a freaking idiot" was the actual winner.

Bush's film got little play. It is the animated story of a man and his pet goat who, with little money in his pocket, manages to have a credit card bill of 47 trillion dollars in just six years. The alternate title was "Supersize me", but that was already taken. Those who saw it at a White House screening said, "if you don't like this movie you must hate America."

Current Vice President and Lord of the Underworld, Dick Cheney said, "It was even better than the 2nd to last movie I saw ,in 1962 before I decided to take over the world, about the Catholic church in Italy, The Nuns of Gavarone.

But it wasn't as good as 'Triumph of the Will' which I saw right after and
that's my all time favorite. That one plays almost like a documentary".

Price Waterhouse has apoligized for the problem stating in a press release, "That's the last freaking time we use the Miami office to count anything".

Two Blind Mice in Australia

2007-02-24T06:15:00.000-05:00

According to Reuters, noted rifleman , Lord of the Underworld,and US Vice President Dick Cheney said while visiting Sydney (no, not his gay lover, but the city in Australia) that "the United States and its allies (of which I believe the only one left is Togo) must not allow Iran to become a nuclear power and raised concerns about Tehran's actions and "inflammatory rhetoric".

He then went on to call Ahmadinejihad's mother a 'ho and also said that "she wears combat boots". Cheney then asked Ahmadinejihad to literally hold his tongue with his fingers while saying "My father works in a ship yard".

Considering that Bush and Cheney's foreign policy towards Iran was built on the philosophy of Moe from The Three Stooges ........ and that all President Bush does is goad the Iranians with his mouth,..... Cheney has some nerve.

Wait, come to think of it.....the arrogant bastard with the permanent sneer does have some nerve. For example, he had enough nerve to get five deferments during Vietnam because he had "other priorities", the top one being "I must stay the fuck out of Vietnam". Cheney's mom really should have slapped him more when he was a kid.

But note he gave this speech in Australia and the sound of one hand clapping after Cheney's speech was that of Oz Prime Minister John Howard, a guy who makes George W. Bush seem like a thinker on the level of Descartes.

Howard opened his trap a week ago and said about Barack Obama's presidential candidacy "I think that will just encourage those who want to completely destabilise and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and a victory for the terrorists to hang on and hope for an Obama victory…If I were running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory not only for Obama but also for the Democrats.”

To which Obama answered " I would also note that we have close to 140,000 troops in Iraq, and my understanding is Mr Howard has deployed 1400, so if he is … to fight the good fight in Iraq, I would suggest that he calls up another 20,000 Australians and sends them to Iraq. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”

PM Howard holds up exact number of extra troops he plans to send to Iraq to help his buddy, President Bush

Noting the similarity between the styles of 'John Howard' and 'Moe of the Stooges', MassPube Genealogical Research has discovered that Moe's last name was "Howard" too and that there's a common gene between them.......which goes a long way to explaining why the PM talks so tough.

If Obama is elected , I bet PM Howard is the first one to make a fist with his right hand, hit it with his left, swing it over his head and bop Al Qaeda in Iraq on the noggin with it.....then he'll poke them in both eyes with two fingers. That'll show 'em.

But, I have respect for Howard and Cheney. They are honorable men. So are they all...all honorable men.

Follow the Money

2007-02-22T07:26:00.000-05:00

The Associated Press reported two days ago that "a New York man accused of trying to help terrorists in Afghanistan has donated some $15,000 to the House Republicans' campaign committee over three years.......Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari pleaded not guilty Friday in U.S. District Court in Manhattan to charges that include terrorism financing, material support of terrorism and money laundering.

ID photo of Mr. Ibn Ali Alishtari gives him patron's access to Congress as a thank you from Republican Congressional Committee.

The article continued, "From April 2002 until August 2004, the man also known as "Michael Mixon" gave donations ranging from $500 to $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Committee...."

Wow, talk about covering your ass no matter who wins the war on terror. This guy's the king.

I can understand why they took the money without double checking.

A name like "Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari" shouldn't bring up any questions at all. They probably let him through airport security while TSA did a full body search on the two blind, elderly nuns.

One must note that he was also known as "Michael Mixon", which rhymes with "Nixon" and Tricky Dick was a Republican president. "I swear to God. I thought he said 'Nixon', said Hugh G. Reckshun, of the Republican Congressional Committee.

President Nixon shown in one of his glory moments as President

Mr. Reckshun than asked for a full investigation into whether the Democrats were given any funding under the name "Michael Moosevelt".

In other news, Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton let loose on one another as a major former supporter of the Clintons, Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari, damn , I mean David Geffen (of Hollywood fame) switched his allegiance to Senator Obama and called the Clintons "practiced liars".

Senator Clinton demanded that Obama condemn Geffen. Obama's first retort was ,"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you". She then said, "yeah...well, your mother's a whore".

They then started grappling physically until a teacher broke it up and gave both a detention.

In detention hall, she continued her demands and Obama said," Yeah, right, sure. After carefully considering your request, I'll take the money".

Words continued to fly on both sides and to settle it,they've decided to go to Weehawken, NJ and duel it out with pistols in the spirit of Burr and Hamilton.

And the election isn't until 2008 ! Plenty of time to reload.

Together We Can....redecorate my office

2007-02-21T07:27:00.000-05:00

Massachusetts is known for having idiots for Governors. After all, we gave the world Mike Dukakis. We are currently giving you Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I" Romney. So look out world, Deval Patrick, our current Governor, could be on his way. You're welcome. .....
and here's your first warning!

Democrat Deval's slogan when he was running was "Together we can". He was easily elected because nobody bothered to ask "Together we can.......what?"

Now we know. The answer is "redecorate his office".

He recently spent $27,000.00 of taxpayer money to redecorate his office in a basically bankrupt state that's a billion dollars short this year, $10,000.00 of which was for new damask drapes.

My God,Deval..... I can only imagine the horror of looking at your view of Boston Common through the old drapes. But to be fair, these were special damask drapes....made from damask of Zorro. Maybe that explains the cost!

He then had me buy him a new $47,000.00 top of the line Cadillac as his new state vehicle saying , so help me, that the heater in his Crown Victoria wasn't working.

He also arranged that we all get together and hire a scheduling assistant for his wife at $72,000.00 a year. Turns out she's a family friend , to boot. Mrs. Patrick, have you ever heard of Outlook? How about this....do it yourself, like I do.

above...Concerned citizen submits scheduling idea for Mrs. Patrick that would save the state $71,990.00 this year alone.

After his record setting speed spending spree.....he did all this in his first six weeks in office.....the local press came down on him like a boot on a cockroach and he has agreed to pay for the redecorating and $538.00 a month for the Caddy out of his own pockets...which are quite deep, by the way. He's currently building a 24 room house in The Berkshires, our mountains in the west of the state.

He decided to do this after spending a weekend (for which I'm sure he charged us overtime) with his agency directors and asked them to cut spending to get rid of the billion dollar deficit.

He said, after conferring with his Secretary of Conscience, a Mr. Cricket, "I realize that in good conscience I cannot ask the agencies to make these choices without being willing to make them myself".

Deval, cut the shit. Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you compare cuts in state spending that affect the citzenry with your freaking office decor. The only reason you decided to pay for it yourself is because you find yourself in the middle of a negative media storm.

I have no respect for these political bullshit artists at all. I love the fact we have to stand when they enter the room and call them "The Honorable". Last I heard they work for us. They should stand when we walk in the room.....and stop spending my money on this crapola. I shouldn't have to tell you that....just ask any cricket!

The King and his Court

2007-02-20T07:03:00.000-05:00

Surprising as this may be, the babe to the left is NOT carrying Tom Brady's baby. She is Maria Consuela Araujo who just resigned as the foreign minister of the nation of Colombia.

She was forced out by President Alvaro Uribe since her brother, father and cousin are currently under investigation for being too tied to paramilitaries and also to some kidnapping. Sensing there might be a problem keeping her on, Mr. Uribe decided the time might be right to let her go.

In her resignation speech, she said she was planning to start dating Tom Brady this weekend.

Just in case you think she's a fluke, on the left is yet another former foreign minister of Colombia , Maria Emma Mej.
Ahem

How about some better looking cabinet members, President Bush. That'd make me like you better, but I'd miss your stupidity. I really would.

Yesterday, on Presidents Day, Bush made his first visit to Mount Vernon, George Washington's home , approximately a ten minute drive from The White House. His joke was ,"I feel right at home here. After all this is the home of the first George W. ( wait for laughter) I thank President Washington for welcoming us today."

Isn't that a riot! He's following John Kerry at open mike night at the DC Comedy Club.

First of all, he probably doesn't know that President Washington has passed away, so his thank you is meaningless. And Washington certainly wouldn't be so welcoming if he were alive.

People in those post -revolutionary days wanted Washington to be King. He turned that down. This one would jump at it since despots rarely obey a consitution...

Washington wouldn't be so welcoming on another matter either. George Washington advised the country to "avoid foreign entanglements" in his famous farewell address.

Should the current President ever come to Blue State Massachusetts, John Quincy Adams wouldn't be so welcoming either. John Quincy Adams wrote that the US "goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy."

Just do us a favor, George. Get a babe into your cabinet and shut up about everything else!

Men in the News

2007-02-19T07:19:00.000-05:00

Mitt "Aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I " Romney, Republican candidate for President and former Governor of Massachusetts is now a full fledged member of the NRA. But 'hypo-MITT' , as in 'hypocrite', just joined in August after being chock full of ideas about gun control legislation when he ran for Governor in liberal Massachusetts. His spokesman said it doesn't matter when you join as long as long as you join. Yes , it does. He's full of crap as he panders to the right. Mitt's full of shit.....as usual.

Mitt Romney shows us the length of his new BB gun during a recent press conference

Former Hitler Youth Pope Bendadick was railing, just like its his business to morally lead the universe, last week about the new civil rights legislation in Italy that would recognize relations for homosexual couples. Note that Mr. Morality hasn't spoken out about the sex abuse scandals here in the US. Isn't that an odd view of morality? All you need to know about the priesthood is Jack Nicholson's scene in The Departed when he confronts two priests in a restaurant, later calling them "annointed pederasts". Bendadick said "Divorce and free unions are on the rise,meanwhile adultery is viewed with unjustifiiable tolerance.". Clean up your own back yard first, you purple shoed putz, before you come railing after us.

For third year running, Bendadick takes first prize on Vatican City "Funny Hat Day

Is there a man among us who doesn't believe that Tom Brady should be listed here?

Tom Brady, according to news reports, is the dad of the now pregnant actress Bridgit Moynihan's baby. She was his girlfriend for years and she's three months preggars. Sadly they broke up a few months ago, like about a week after he literally withdrew from her, I would guess. He took the breakup bad, waiting almost a day to start dating the Brazilian supermodel, Gisele Bundchen.
Let me state, if I had those two beauties on my mind, I would have lost to the Colts too. What Colts? Bridgit wants kids and she couldn't have found a better gene pool , so I wish her well. But considering he had sex with those two in the last three months, he definitely deserves being a Man in the News.

YOU MAKE THE CALL

It's been a PUNderful life

2007-02-17T08:17:00.000-05:00

Many of you have asked my background.....here's a little of my resume:

I owned a profitable book printing business in Bangkok but had to close down when I lost the Thai that binds.

I was the love slave of an all female rock group, but couldn't get past first bass.

For years I was long-time pastry tester at a bakery, then was promoted to management and, believe, me it was worth the extra weight.

I opened a soft ice cream stand , but after a while, I got dis-custard with it.

I managed a landfill, but left because I was always feeling down in the dumps.

I ran a fertilizer business, but after a while got tired of everybody poo-poo'ing it.

MORE NEXT WEEK BECAUSE . AS I SAID, ITS A PUN-DERFUL LIFE

NB-Gay

2007-02-16T06:59:00.000-05:00

NBA All-Star Tim Hardaway must have been worried that he'd be the chosen one to literally take the 'hard-away' from former fellow player, and now out-of-the-closet Gay man, John Amaechi.

Mr. Amaechi wrote a book about being a gay man in the NBA entitled "Man in the Middle" which ain't a bad name for a gay porno flick, come to think of it.

On a Miami radio station, Hardaway, an African American, said," You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I'm homophobic."

He continued , just in case we didn't get his point, " I don't like it. It shouldn't be in this world or in the United States".

Let me clarify...he doesn't like gay people! But, at least, he thought out his comments. When I asked him what world it should be on, his answer was ,"Uranus!"

So much for his pre-game prayer with the Reverend Ted Haggard, his scheduled speech next week at the Rock Hudson Film Retrospective and his gig as a spokesperson for Vaseline.

Yesterday Mr. Hardaway was banished from this week's NBA All Star game in Las Vegas. In the spirit of Vegas, the sports book was giving odds that NBA Commissioner David Stern would toss him and if you put some money down, you did all right! The new book is 'what time do you think his flight leaves". That's 7-1 for Saturday morning.

Mr. Stern handled it well. He had all the All Stars line up and said, "OK, all you All Stars playing this weekend, take one step forward. Not so fast there, Hardaway."

Mr. Hardaway did apologise by saying, "As an African American,I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause and I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feeling and reactions."

Maybe it's me, but why do I have the feeling he didn't write that! Amazing how he learned that right after he said the hate speech.

In the meantime, I suggest he check his mail. I'm sure there'll be a "Welcome to the Club" letter from Mel Gibson!

Night of the Long Noses

2007-02-15T07:54:00.000-05:00

The US and Britain are now ranked last according to a UN survey of child welfare in 21 wealthy countries. Hearing that, the Bush administration passed an Executive Order re-naming "No Child Left behind" to "Every Child Left Behind" and declared it a success similar to the one in Iraq.

Another "Mission Accomplished".

An assistant secretary of HHS said, " ...the comparison to these other countries becomes meaningless " because the survey is flawed. He continued that the study used different standards of measurement than we do since "we eliminated all the bad stuff in ours".

Yesterday it was reported that the "new information " on Iran supplying arms to Iraq "insurgents" is two years old. More Bush-shit spouting from the long-nosers in the administration since they're presenting it as brand new. Check the transmission before you buy a used tank from these guys.

The helicopter crash in Iraq that killed a Marine captain from my town last week was called an engine malfunction until tape emerged from Al Jezeera showing it was shot down; tape they saw before they declared it an engine malfunction . A Bush official, Polly Graff, Assistant Secretary of Horseshit stated "Well, they use a different standard in their tapes than we do in ours. We see it as an engine malfunction since the engine did stop just after it got hit by the rocket.

And in major news the Presidential retreat formerly called Camp David is changing it's name to "Pleasure Island" Remember your Pinocchio...." The segment from Pleasure Island is, like much of Pinocchio, a tale of morality. The boys who are taken to the island go voluntarily with the promise of fun and unlimited freedom. While on the island, the children are encouraged to commit acts of vandalism, fight, drink alcohol, smoke cigars, and gamble - all things that good little boys are not supposed to do.
The transformation into a donkey is not instantaneous. When boys arrive on the island, they remain human for some time before showing any signs of change. The first indication is braying replacing the boy's normal laughter, followed by the growth of donkey ears and a tail. The head, and extremities come next, after which the boy is then forced into a quadrupedal stance. The final notable change is losing the ability to speak. Before the donkeys leave Pleasure Island, they are checked to make sure they have lost their ability to vocalize, which signifies they are fully transformed.

If Tony Snow starts braying...start praying! HEE HAW

Massachusetts Escapees Have Much in Common

2007-02-14T07:10:00.000-05:00

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt "Aren't I good looking. No, really , aren't I" Romney announced for president yesterday ..... in Michigan. Huh?

Well, he grew up there because his dad, George, was both Governor of the state and President of American Motors , the company which gave us the long dead Nash Rambler , the Rambler.....and the Gremlin.

The headline of today's Globe said "Invoking American dream, Romney begins run". Now there's an unusual and controversial platform.

A sidebar story said, "On big day, Mass. gets little note" . In fact I think the only mention was when he said, "Yeah, if I have to, I'll kiss the Catholic's ass and go to mass".

He actually said, "American families are made stronger when children have a mother and a father, healthcare is within everyone's reach, schools are good and taxes are low. This was the agenda I pursued in Massachusetts and it's the agenda I plan to pursue if I'm elected your president".

He forgot to say that none of that happened here in, ahem,"Tax-achusetts", while he was governor. He stunk as governor. By the way, he's lived in blue state Massachusetts most of the last 40 years, but why admit it?

But he is good looking.....no ,really, he is.

Another famed resident of Massachusetts was in the news yesterday. "Little Joe", the Franklin Park Zoo's resident gorilla was put back on display yesterday in a new cage ... after he escaped from the last one (obviously built by the same folks who built The Big Dig) in 2003, injuring a little girl, an 18 year old young lady and rampaging through a neighborhood before he was tranquilized and captured.

I now must quote today's Globe:" Joe ...strode into the cage, eyed the people..and then ran 30 feet to slam his 400 pound frame against the glass....Zoo officials said Joe's antics were normal and a clear sign that the animal is glad to be back onstage"......could I make this up?...."He's so happy", said one the gorilla's keepers,"It's a sign of happiness".

Mitt and Little Joe.....They were both so happy here that they'll both do anything to get the hell out of here..and,FYI, be careful because they're both great at slinging shit! .

Caught napping

2007-02-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

On December 12th, in Cactus, Texas, which is right next to Armadillo Turds and Go Cowboys, Texas, about 600 miles north of the border, hundreds of immigration officers came into town, in full riot gear, raided the Swift and Co. meat packing plant and six other firms where they arrested 1282 people who they claim were illegal immigrants. If you're interested in moving to Cactus ,Texas, now's the time ....real estate is really , really cheap.

They pretty much emptied the town. At Swift, the work is described as "hard, stinky,dirty and dangerous". My bet is that few Jewish families are encouraging their first born to look into this as a profession. In the meantime, before ground is broken for the synagogue, the town is pretty much dead in the water since 75% of the residents were illegal immigrants, being paid about $11.50 an hour to work in the slaughterhouse.

Yep, that worked! Well, actually it created a whole new poltical environment giving the dis-enfranchised of Cactus an opportunity for political clout!

The new mayor, Bill the Bull (left), the town's first bovine mayor, introduced the new city council last week, a council made up entirely of cows, now that they're the only ones left in town. In their first "moo-ve", they passed a resolution which said how happy they were that immigration finally cracked down on the illegals.

We can learn from our neighbors to the south because it seems that Speedy Gonzales was right all along! A study of Greek men who took regular 30 minute midday naps were almost 40% less likely to die of a heart attack than those who didn't nap.

Few American employers will take this seriously. Even if mine did, I'd probably miss it because the meeting to talk about it would , more than likely, interupt my nap. Most American companies are just too stupid to make a change like this. However, there is one who isn't so stupid. At a company called Yarde Metals in Southington, CT, they have a nap room and last week they added a full body massage chair that incorporates aroma-therapy and motion .... and it can simulate the sounds of a babbling brook or the beach. That wouldn't work for me. I need one with fart noises and stench. When I nap, thats what I do.

You've come a long way, Baby! Have we?

2007-02-12T07:17:00.000-05:00

My beautiful , talented and outspoken Dixie Chicks won five Grammy's last night. How about that! I like the Chicks and liked them long before they made headlines by speaking out against President "Mission Accomplished".

I met the Chicks once at a radio industry convention. They're genuinely nice ladies, really nice, but when Natalie Maines, their lead singer, said her piece about President Bush a couple of years ago, saying that she was embarassed to be from the same state the imbecile comes from, they were castigated for it. Their CD's were banned on "good ol' boy' country stations and Ms. Maines received death threats from the folks who just love America, but hate everything it's supposed to stand for like ,oh what's that thing called, of yeah, "Free Speech".

The Chicks won every category they were nominated in. Congrats, girls. The Chicks may have to speak out again.

See, we're now hearing that supposedly Iran is sending arms to Iraq. We've even got footage of it. They showed us holes in tanks on CNN and the military is convinced they're Iranian holes.
"Obvious Iranian Hole" or "Hole in Bush's head" ...you decide !

The military and this administration have been 100% wrong on every fact and every rationale , they've presented , as in "weapons of mass destruction" which, FYI, weren't there ....and that this war was a "slam dunk".

I'd be a tidge careful in order that , speaking of music, "we won't get fooled again"

I remind you of The Gulf of Tonkin resolution," the made-up-by- Lyndon Johnson and the military" attack on a US ship which provided the rationale for the The Vietnam War and which "50,000 dead, hundreds of thousands wounded and Lord knows how many Vietnamese killed and maimed" later, turned out to be BULLSHIT.

Let's see...... how does Bush make us think the war is worth a surge ,etc....get our other 'enemy' involved. He counts on a short memory, like his.

George Santayana once wrote, "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it".
I betcha' Bush thinks Santayana is the Mexican general who killed Davy Crockett.

WEEK'S TOP NEWS:Toot, toot tootsie, Goodbye!

2007-02-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

In Abington, Massachusetts, a woman is suing the town for the cost of dental work after she took a Tootsie Roll from a candy dish in the town clerk's office and broke her tooth.She wants between $4,000 and $5,000.00! She didn't work there...she was simply getting a dog license. The town is waiting for the insurance company review, but, in the spirit of rebellion, is still offering candy to visitors.

I always hated Tootsie Rolls. They remind me of a turd. In fact when we were kids the fun was putting half of one into your mouth and pretending you were crapping it out. For the totally stupid, candy should come with warnings, like for a Jawbreaker, "Might break your jaw".

Tootsie Rolls have always been hard to chew and should also come with this warning,"Turd shaped bar can cause dental and possibly anal damage if used improperly".

Speaking of long brown things, anal damage and hard to chew , in Colorado, the Reverend Ted Haggard (shown practicing, left) was declared "100% heterosexual" by a review committee from his "Church of the Rectal Lubricant" after he was found to be schtupping his male masseuse, so says his male masseuse who you'd think would know.
Reverend Ted claimed he was doing "sociological research, just like I do each day at my favorite website, "Lactating Lesbian Pygmies. com".

The committee spokesman, Juan the pool boy, reported back that the Reverend, known for his anti-homosexual tirades, is clear of the disease of homosexuality. Praise Jesus! Reverend Ted celebrated by going to see "Spartacus" and then to a Bette Midler concert.

Speaking of mountain highs, we go from Colorado to the village of Viganella, Italy which installed a giant mirror on a local mountaintop to reflect sunlight down to the village in the valley far below, which sounds like the theme from "Billy Jack".

The poor , pale citizenry wasn't getting any sun so, they put this thing up for the cost of about $130,000.00 0r 330 billion lira The designer , Tom Swift Jr. said it should work about as well as "my Electronic Earth Digging Machine". Viganella's mayor, Callamea Irresponsible commented, "Datsa some some spicy mirror dey got upa there. I gets to worka it wid a remote control and right now, I got it aimed at Mamallia Pendulosa's house and me and de boys can see her in de bedaroom from here".

That is all!

Nothing vs. Something....Anna Nicole and Jennifer Harris

2007-02-09T06:37:00.000-05:00

Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !
Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday !

It was all over TV even pre-empting a story about crime in New Orleans on CNN after that freaking moron Larry King had spent an hour talking about the same thing after God knows how many other hours they spent.

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a rat's ass or understand what the hooplah is about. Welcome to celebrity crazed America, 2007!

Did I mention that Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday!

So did Jennifer Harris, from the town I live in, who was a combat Marine...a Captain in the air wing of the Marines.

Anna Nicole Smith simply become famous for doing nothing. She had big boobs, looked like Jayne Mansfield, was a cover girl for Playboy, Playmate of the Year, married some 89 year old 'old fart' worth gaziillions and when he died, she became more famous for chasing his money in a case that went to The Supreme Court.
She also hosted a reality show called "The Anna Nicole Show" which showed her walking around LA with her poodle, put on weight enough to match her tits, then lost it as she worked as a spokesperson for "Trim Spa" diet supplement and is now being sued in a class action suit claiming that the pills were ineffective, had a baby just recently and nobody's quite sure who Dada is , and then croaked spectacularly yesterday in Hollywood , Flori-duh at age 39 at The Hard Rock Casino.

That's a lot of horseshit to cram into one paper bag in 39 years. And that's all it is is horseshit. I was amazed the MADE FOR TV wasn't showing by 10 pm last night.Such an important life!!!!!!
So let me give you a real one!

Jennifer Harris died at age 28. In high school, she played the flute in the high school band. She graduated 5th in her class. She went into and graduated from Annapolis. She then went into The Marines and joined The Purple Foxes, the famous Marine helicopter squadron. She was aboard one of the giant CH-46 Sea Knight helicopters when it crashed Wednesday near Baghdad.This was her third tour in that brutal waste of everything in "Mess-o-Potamia", to quote John Stuart.... aka Iraq. She was just reassigned to Washington DC and due to come home for good next week!

The big news is Anna Nicole Nothing. You decide! What in hell is wrong with us?